Are You Female And Get Constant Unwelcomed Stalkers?

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I had an AS "stalker" recently (he wasn't malicious, just a bit pathetic). Most of my social life centres on my University's Scifi society. They have monthly "bar nights" were we all go to the union bar and hang out for an evening. this guy graduated from the university 10 years ago, but still comes along even though he lives in a town 80 miles away and knows nobody at the society. He has pursued every female in the society, much to the annoyance of everyone, so I guess it was just my "turn". Late one barnight I was a bit tipsy and chatting to someone there whilst he was within hearing range. I made the mistake of mentioning that I'm single, and suddenly I was the only person there he wanted to talk to. I didn't manage to put two and two together at the time, and it was only later, when he emailed me that I realised he was interested. He invited me out to a bonfire party, which seemed quite sweet and I was actually quite intrigued, as I don't tend to get many offers and he did seem quite nice. I couldn't make it due to other commitments so I sent him a chatty (not flirty) reply and told him I'd see him at the next barnight.

He turned up blind drunk and proceeded to get drunker. He followed me around all night and wouldn't give me a seconds peace. I tried to tell him that I wasn't looking for a boyfriend, that I wanted to get to know him as a friend, but it was all to no avail. I didn't know what to do and had to hide in the ladies' toilets. One of the other women in the Scifi society came to my rescue, told me that I wasn't the only one to have recieved this treatment and suggested that I get one of the men to pretend to be my boyfriend for the evening. This wasn't a tactic I'd ever heard of before, but it seemed a good way to get the point across without embarrassing either of us. It didn't work. He still pursued me whenever my "boyfriend" had his back turned and when he saw him in the gents gave him a morose monologue about how he "always got all the women" (he'd performed this "service" for one of the other women who'd recieved this guys attention) and that he hoped he'd look after me. Eventually I crept away early feeling quite shaken by the whole ordeal. The guy was spending a weekend in town and came along to another Scifi event the next day (a play put on by the uni drama society). There he approached me again and I told him on no uncertain terms that I didn't fancy him. I felt awful, as he seemed quite upset, but it was the only way I could think of to do it.

He later sent me an apologetic email telling me that he had AS and that that was the reason he'd been foolish (I think desperation + AS is a more likely explanation). Now, I can sympithise with his lack of social ability, and I've made an arse of myself in similar ways myself, so I tried to give him some pointers as to how to get along with the rest of the Scifi society (who were at that point discussing whether or not they want to exclude him permamently as he puts off female members) and explained that I didn't fancy him but wouldn't mind getting to know him as a friend. I haven't hear from him since.

My analysis of his behaviour is that he wants something to put his penis in (I'll edit that phrase if it's a bit graphic for this forum), but lacks the social ability to trawl through bars and clubs like most NT men do when they're in a similar position. He therefore visits the Scifi society, a place he's been comfortable in the past that is very accepting of those who are strange, to try to pick up women (no interest in befriending anyone other than single females). He doesn't realise that the women are wary of him because he's a random stranger with no friends in the society, and that they are far more likely to go out with the men close at hand who they know well and see frequently. And there's not exactly a shortage of decent men on offer- the university's a tecnology and science one with a 4:1 male:female ratio (the ratio is lower in the Scifi soc, but still...). I still feel a bit sorry for him, but I certainly won't tolerate any more advances from him.

I've never had anyone stalk me. If I did, I didn't notice and they probably gave up out of frustration.

Your blaming him for something your weak at, although he was wrong your ability to handal the situation caused the conflict... Just want to point out (2, 3, 4) as showing interest... 5 is due to your skills of handaling a drunk or not even taking a word of what a person is doing to be them... (6) backs that up... and (7) is showing that your using something he knows is not true...

Your attacking a male that finds it hard to socialze its harder for a male as he has to be the one doing most of the work, while the females guides it... Your lack of understanding & his lack caused the problem, but also the lack of all the other females knowing why he is doing this caused an even bigger problem for the guy, he was trying his best to socialize... A male As will make more mastakes than a Nt Male... And its harder when you have no friends...

Got to say a little understanding from you females would go along way, and that BS that you Girls get big headed with the 4:1 you do know most of these males are putting a act on...

Now you see this!! !! THIS is why I didn't approach a woman that seemed to be running off the same thoughts I was! EVERY step, direction, etc.... Even when we were headed STRAIGHT, it was a circuitous route to avoid others and obstacles. Think of it! DOZENS of turns that are based on immediate circumstance, and we did the SAME thing! WIERD! Out of HUNDREDS of people around that day SHE STOOD OUT! I "followed her" to the train station. After all, we WERE going to the same spot. Down there, I INTENTIONALLY 8-( changed direction. We might even have gone to the same building, etc... but I never saw her again. WHY did I lose her INTENTIONALLY? Because I knew SHE didn't see me. I had no proof we were so close, etc... She would have acted just like you here. 8-(

Steve

Reason #262 why CockneyRebel SHOULD NOT leave wrong planet..

Sounds truly frightening. We men have no idea what you ladies go through. As to the beggars, I get the bite all the time. I feel like I must have the look of being kindly, and well heeled. Neither of which I am, by the way.

Well said.

Well for me-these are always people with 'some' real over time proximity. Home, Work, School, work customer if in the service industry. Somewhere with access of more than a freak occurrance, and a perception that because of this proximity....they have some glorious right

It's not like the guy who runs up on the street and says-hey! you look like my kind of peep, wanna cafe???

These ones are known and are only a problem when I inadvertantly bump into them.
They join the long list of turned down by SeaBright. I don't like having so many enemies. I am polite enough. There should be no reprecussions with turning down a person who does not fit what I am attracted to. What makes them ask? Like you described? The stars were lining up and I percieved it was for both of us.

Then they suffer hurt feelings. I need to be more assertive.

I KNOW what you are saying! I AGREE with it! Men ARE almost like beggers when it comes to women. American/European society, for the most part, encourages women to say they are accepting, EVEN IF THEY AREN'T! HEY, MOST guys know that they may not be! Still, I am like a fat kid in a candy store with little money. 8-( I REALLY want that candy, but have to exercise restraint. 8-(

BTW Women usually DON'T like societies that require them to flash CLOSED!(Arab and India, etc....)

BTW if this sounds sexual, please realise it isn't meant to be. Even a nice FRIEND would be nice. I never even saw that persons face. She and I were BOTH in a hurry. If I had run, or something, that REALLY would have freaked her out. But MAN did I want to! I never saw anyone that acted so much like I do walking.

BTW IRONICALLY...... I need to be more assertive ALSO! 8-(

Steve

I assume not all of them are "putting a act on" as many are long term relationships or friendships with members of the opposite sex.

Big headed? No, I'm merely stating a fact in this case. There are far more males in the given social group than females, the people in the group know each other reasonably well and see each other on a day to day basis. A socially awkward stranger who makes no attempt to befriend anyone other than potential shags isn't exactly going to be considered prime material. If he was just socially awkward, but seemed to be genuinely interested in Scifi and/or had befriended one or more of the members then he'd have every chance of finding someone who was interested in him in or associated with the society. We have a lot of members who aren't very socially able (we're a geeky society in a geeky university...), some of whom can be a nuisance to some of the other members, but I can think of at least one who sucessfully got a girlfriend.

I don't think he was entirely to blame, as yes, I'm not very good in these situations, but even taking AS into account it can't be an excuse for all his behavior. Overhearing that somebody's single really isn't an excuse to harass them. Especially when, as far as he knew, by the second barnight I was "taken". Even if he didn't fall for the charade (which I doubt- I later found out that he has harassed women in real relationships too), what sort of guy continues to pursue a woman who's going to those sorts of lengths to avoid his attentions? He has friends, both in his home town and in this city, so his social skills can't be that terrible. He isn't completely alone. Before the second barnight I was interested in getting to know him better, but his behaviour really scared me. Maybe I have been a bit harsh on him in this post, it wasn't meant as an attack on AS males in general, I just find this sort of behaviour frightening, and I'm not the only female in the society who's had this sort of attention from this guy. We've tried to make him welcome (who isn't even a member), but he treats the society like a singles bar (and that's putting it nicely!). Even taking his diagnosis into account, a line of decency must be drawn somewhere, and this guy definitely crossed it.

I know men with AS tend to make more mistakes than NTs. A few years ago I dated a guy who I recently found out has AS and ADD (we're friends now), and I have known several other people on the spectrum. With one exception (two if you count the guy discussed here) I've found them easier to get on with than most of the people I know who are supposedly "normal". If I was looking for a boyfriend (am not just now for personal reasons) and I found someone I liked, it would take a lot more than AS to put me off them. In fact, intelligence, dedication to ones' interests and a lack of the usual social "games" are all traits that I tend to find appealing. I think this guy was either very, very desperate (in which case he might be an ok person once he's had some time to cool off and come to his senses) or he's got personality issues that are nothing to do with AS, and I've had too many bad experiences in the past to work on the assumption that the former is true (although I haven't completely discounted the possibility).

I avoid putting others in the same situation, as much as possible. Probably missed at least a few rejections and maybe even some happy times that way. I treat neighbors, coworkers, ect with the same actions-distance that I would like.

Only one person has ever came forward and complained that I was trying to put the move on him and he was offended. (last thing from my mind really)

In the end I'm really not that interested in finding out-if some particular so and so would have said yes to coffee and a plane jump.

Chances are we never would have communicated over the long term anyway. Aspie v Nt

It's better just to leave everyone else alone and utilize dating sites

that's it!

that's exactly it.

But I picked up that making others smile heals the world and all that. And I believe that alot more people are uplifted by my friendliness that not-and I by them. This all is just the sad byproduct of that decision.

I need a manual! I need a manual! I need a manual!

Lol use dating sites that opens up the door for more bs specialy fake pictures I am glad I look at porn as most of these people would get away with bsing me if I didn't... , And always only 3 people active in my area lol rest is like 1 month 3 months so on, these 3 to like 20+ males...

Face party is ok but I stopped using it after my pushed over the edge, of what a person did even the social worker of the crisis team was shocked...

You girls might hate having allot of attention but ill give my left arm to be you seriously...

why doesn't that work

we are afraid to hurt another's feelings or suffer retaliation by stating the 'actual' reason why there is no interest. in addition to not being able to formulate those sentences under those conditions. in addition to not wanting to formulate those sentences even if we could, as it is work we are not getting paid for nor asked for.

That might just be me. CockneyRebel seems to have the hang of it....for which I'm unabashedly envious

I'm just going to start telling people in response to the query 'but, snivel, why are you not interested (be my stranger-therapist stranger lady person-they appear to say)' "because you FEEL like a real creep" and let them figure it out.

I did actually recently have the opportunity to date someone who absolutely amazed me. But, that was his day face. At night he drank and turned into mr hyde, smoke pot, was a clepto. All things which were at odds with what I wanted to experience.

Then, even when you do make a good match up there are all those 'little' things.

yes. we all have problems in that we are taught we are all supposed to function under the same polite rules. I didn't attend mens proactive bootycall training. For those not interested in, rather more prone to the security and simplicity of one, these guys are really screwing it up for you! Patience much appreciated! It might have been helpful to see what they are learning to know how to get every one what they want.

In the end. All the good men and women don't hook up because they are backtracking all the goings on-in my humble opinion.

And I really wish they would legalize and regulate prostitution in more than just nevada. It would totally just take that equation away.

If you think all these people with smiles on they face are in a happy relationship its far from the truth, they hide the real relationship from people, sometimes they tell people, but My uncle works in a Hospital as a nurse when they hit depression because of the relationships they in... A relationship is moulded from the beginning it is not set as been great most are in the sad world or a bad relationship but hide they stress & stay in the relationship, if you could watch most of these peoples life’s you would see they is a total different side to they relationship...


A good relationship is one 2 people work on to solve their differences than to keep it locked up, from the start they are honest about themselves, if you think these males who have you as friends just see you as a friend most likely they trying to wait for a slot to open up to approach pushing you further, every time they only going to 1 goal that is the way life is. Some might see you as just a friend but most likely allot won't... This is why females don't understand what happened to they guy...

You know he might of just been jealous as he thought you where interested in him, and trying to talk to a drunk is like trying to talk to someone in another language...

If you want 1 guy you have to accept your going to lose the other stuff, most likely if you try to talk about the problem they will just leave or tell you to stop been silly, some will bend...

I DOUBT this is true! You should hear how some NT males think! And I bet most of the pickup lines are from NT males!

They are LUCKY they get any girl friends. STILL, I did surveys over years in MANY areas. MOST people fall into one of three categories:

1. Met at church
2. Met at school
3. Met at work

MOST were introduced.

Steve

"mens proactive bootycall training"

I'm sorry, that phrase just made me giggle, thank you