Should Marriage Be Our Ultimate Goal?

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That's just the wedding. Marriage is a different ballpark altogether.

I think it's a matter of personal preference, but it shouldn't be everyone's lifetime goal or measurement. It's not some kind of "magical institution", and I think way too many people approach it in an idealized way. The reality of marriage, and kids are much messier.

Been there,done that.Im thankful for my kids,but the marriage part was not a good thing.I won't do that again.And I am not having any more kids either.I wouldn't mind living in sin with the right sinner.

Not really, even though I may think so at times; I am just trying to find some stability in my life, and that takes priority over marriage.

If we lived in a commune, or even a city for that matter, children could choose their parents.

Absolutely NOT. I hope to find great love someday (how cheesy), but I don't ever want to get married. But finding love isn't my goal in life either.

An interesting concept... Would not work for very small children, though. The youngest children simply need good parents. A two month old infant could not choose his parents.

If a child is being mistreated by their parents, we take the child and put them with parents who will not mistreat them. That's as good as you can get for choosing your parents when you are very young.

Later on, once you're older--ten, fifteen, maybe--you do start to branch out and have mentors beyond just your parents or other adults living with you and/or raising you. Apprenticeships and mentorships have a lot of the "choosing your parents" vibe that you seem to be suggesting. But there's no need for them to be your parents, formally. The benefit of mentorship is pretty obvious--a child with interests that their parents don't share can talk to someone who does share their interests. They can practice making connections with non-family members. They can learn from adults.

I think the need for older children to "choose their parents" can be fulfilled just by having families integrated into a community, so the average child has a wider social circle than just their family. The "it takes a village" idea, I guess. But the parents are still needed, as the primary caregiver, as the safe home base from which to launch exploration. As the child grows, they're needed less and less, which is as it should be... if you were completely dependent on parents at 17, you would not be ready to be on your own at 18.

I'm never getting married.

What I had to find out about that myself is, that if you cannot be satisfied with what you have now, no matter how small it seems, then nothing will be able fill the void you created, and it will just keep hanging over you like a dark cloud.

As for marriage , my mother has high functioning autism and she still feels lonely sometimes, feelings of loneliness are a part of autism, and they may not go away by having someone around all the time.

Maybe the time will come for me one day, and I'll find the right person that I want to spend the rest of my life with, but until that time I will count my blessings in the here and now.

My ultimate goal is to not harm others and try to be more selfless than selfish (these are the things I want).

Anything else doesn't really matter to me.

So far, the results are interesting. The "no" people dominate. This would be in complete contrast to, say, 3rd word countries or the Muslim or Southern communities where getting married and having kids is written in stone. I guess if you're gay in those communities you have to suppress it at all costs.

If I was designed for anything, then perhaps whoever designed me should have made it so that I'd invariably follow their plan. I'm not going to do something just because it's meant to be my "biological duty".

This is all very well and good but it still does not resolve the question as to whether or not marriage should be our ultimate goal. By saying that there will come a day when marriage is obsolete I am not advocating that Men should get Women pregnant and let the poor Women and children fend for themselves homeless and on the street.

Rather I am advocating a communal living arrangement where all the needs of the Women and the children are provided for just like in a traditional family but within the greater security of an even larger family. Thus any divorce will be much less devastating because it will only involve one member leaving the City.

Now of course there will be a transition period where we may have pair bonding but this will not be a concrete as a traditional family. The burden of raising a family will be easier because the burden will be shared in a more efficient setting.

It wouldn't work. Humans are physically incapable of forming with every member of a large group the close relationships needed for a healthy childhood. And I do mean physically. It's a matter of how much brain space you have. Humans can maintain more relationships than any other animal, but we're still limited.

Yes, you could raise children in groups and say they belonged to no one in particular. But one of two things would happen: Either the children would be neglected (emotionally if not physically), and grow up intellectually and psychologically stunted. Or else, the children would form parent-like relationships with a small number of adults, leading to ersatz families that might not be genetically related, but psychologically would still function as families. That could only happen if there were enough adults to go around, and it's essentially just a reshuffling of which kid gets raised by which adult. If there aren't enough adults to go around, enough adults to form close bonds with each child, then psychological neglect happens and kids grow up with serious problems. And not just emotional problems. They'd have intellectual and social deficits, too.

Efficiency is no good if it results in a sub-par situation for practically everyone involved. The optimal situation for human childhood, for good development of the brain, is a small group of people of different ages living together. Or, perhaps more correctly, the human brain evolved in a situation where small groups of people of different ages living together were common--and so it is optimized for that situation.

This wouldn't be a matter of some minor transition period while everybody got used to it. It would be as impossible to get used to as living without food.

I agree with Callista.
Adults should get to choose the living arrangements they enjoy, but
When kids are involved you need a bit of stability and routine - not necessarily traditional, but with plenty of one to one caregiving.

I realized recently that my ideal husband would be someone with verry merry berry intense career that precludes him from having much time to devote to me, but I would like to get married one day, when I grow up.

Marriage was never my goal, nor was career or even happiness. I just want to live my life in relative comfort and achieve a little something, not wanting too much. I just happened to have met a good guy at the right time and landed on the "normal course". I think the most important thing in life is to do things you like, and like yourself, instead of living up to made-up expectations. I still struggle with this sometimes, but I will get there someday.