Do aspies only enjoy the company of people...

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It can create some very dangerous situations, but I think that anyone who is under extreme stress or fear can become mute.

I actually find it really hard to relate to people who I have little mutual interests with. I'm more than willing to listen, but responses from me are hard to come by unless I can dig up something relevant to say from my mental databanks of interesting knowledge. Luckily, having cognitive science as an interest is a really easy way for me to drag up appropriate info for a lot of social conversations. And then I can spend a significant while rattling off everything related to that to where generally people actually get interested.

It especially seems to work on other autistics. Nearly everyone in my support group has had extended conversations with me about how people work- both what we have in common with NTs, and what we don't- and the conversation can go on pretty much indefinitely.

Now I wonder why...

not really. it's always fun to find someone i can talk to about my pet interests, but far from what really helps me feel comfortable or connect.

for me it's more about an instinctive sense of trust, which is usually born out in future conversations. i can just tell there are no (inordinate) hidden agendas and that we have a common mind.

with my BF this is more intuitive, since he doesn't do as well putting things into words as i do. yet he is direct, and accepts my directness, which is invaluable.

with my one other friend, it's more direct, as he has an easier time discussing more abstract concepts. we got to talking recently, for instance, about social anxiety and he really understood where i was coming from. very few people i meet have similar panic and social anxiety issues, and it was a huge relief to be able to be acknowledged by someone i respect.

so those are two sides of a similar coin. basically i can be myself, be honest, be direct, and not be received by avoidance, denial, or shame, but rather acceptance, validation, and reciprocal honesty.

I think if you liked their special interest it would only increase your chances of getting along and allow you more opportunities to reach out, but there are Aspies who are social, Aspies who only enjoy the company of others with their special interests, Aspies who only want an outlet for talking about their special interest, and Aspies who aren't social at all. The one in question might be any one of these or could just feel that he's not as welcome in the family as he really is because of his difficulty when it comes to understanding social settings and people.

I have 2 friends plus some others that I want to eventually be friends with.

All of them are quriky interesting people that I enjoy spending time with. I try to not discuss my special interest, but it usually comes up anyway as I usually can't resist for very long. Instead, I try to talk about what they want to talk about. That is why I like quirky people. Even if they don't like my special interest at all they usually have something interesting to say themselves. Even allowing them to choose the topic, I still have conversation issues that I have recently become aware of. I tend to stay on their chosen topic long after they want to move on! I also enjoy playing with humor in conversation. Even if we have no other common interests, I enjoy talking with people who have a quirky sense of humor. We make funny observations then discuss them. (Note: Aspies having no sense of humor is a myth). Sometimes I do tend to make jokes others don't understand or go on and on about one that they originally thought funny though. Of course, nothing is as enjoyable in conversation for me than my special interest. But ever since jr high, when i became aware that other people get irritated when i discuss it extensively, I've been trying to cut back on special interest monologues because I do want to make and keep friends. It has been about 15 years or so and I am still trying to improve in this.

One thing that I appreciate about talking to people with different interests is that they introduce me to things I would have never tried on my own.

I don't have special interests, but I do get along with some people. I would call them "like-minded", and they have an above average number of aspie traits (or are aspie). I wouldn't have a clue what any of their special interests are, if they have any.

If I like someone depends primarily on whether they are friendly to me. It's also a bit about how they behave in public, if they are similar to me in terms of characters, political views, etc. Like, I cannot be friends with someone who drops racist comments all the time. (That's no surprise because I'm certainly a bit "different", so I get along better with people who tolerate some difference in general.)

Enjoying someone's company is certainly easier if they don't get annoyed by me talking about math all the time, sure. I almost enjoy talking about math at the university more than I enjoy socializing, but I still need the latter.

There are mathematicians who are jerks, sure, and I don't like them. There's a more reliable criterion, though: People who play an instrument from the violin family are often friendly.

I would love to meet another person who has an obsession with TGM bus-drivers, but they are most probably very few and far between and it might not be possible I may ever meet them. And no, being friends with an actual TGM bus-driver is not always necessarily the best way either, because I do speak to some of them and I try not to make it obvious that I'm obsessed because I might come across as creepy or annoying or weird, and then get a name for myself. So I have to just try and keep it casual. At least knowing another person with a special interest with the TGM bus-drivers is a little bit different.

But other people with the same interest as me are not the only people who I enjoy the company of, by the way. I enjoy the company of people who I get along with, make me laugh, understand me, and are nice to me.

I would think talking about the other person's high interest subjects would be helpful for building a relationship with anyone.

When I was in the diagnostic process, I started asking similar questions of myself. I became rather critical and realized that it was honestly quite difficult for me to focus on anything anyone says that is not at least adjacent to a special interest of mine. It's something I dislike a lot about myself. I need more practice to be better at being genuinely interested in other people's thoughts.

The people I became friends with were people that shared a special interest with me (we met playing soccer), but it isn't the only thing keeping the friendship alive. I chose friends that were open minded, made me laugh, and let me be me. We don't even talk about the common interest we have. We talk about everything and anything thats on our minds.

[quote="CuriousMom123If I had an aspie family member who's known me for decades but didn't enjoy my company, is it possible that would change if I liked their special interest?[/quote]

Personality differences can not be overcome just by common interest. Personality differences are fundamental differences in approach to life and people.

I have a number of people at work who I just can't stand to talk to. Nothing but nothing will change that. They just rub me the wrong way, the end.

I don't talk to my brother for a similar reason. I have no want or desire to speak with him, be in his company, or give him my time. Nothing will change that.

I enjoy the company of any people who can talk about intellectual stuff, or is reasonable or just generally pleasant.

Amazingly there are few such people in my side of the family. Loving my family is like hugging a cactus, I just have to grit my teeth and do it. I discovered not too long ago an aunt of mine is a clever and reasonable person. I was so excited. ( It took me a long time to learn her language so we have little contact before.)