What does a meltdown feel like for you?

Post Reply New Topic

Melt downs are too difficult to describe what they are like for me. I can explain what I do during them, but that's irrelevant.
Shut downs are also difficult to explain, but they are not as difficult to explain as melt downs. What I do during shut downs is also easy to explain, but irrelevant. Shut downs are irrelevant on this post in general anyway.

it feels like someone stuck a beehive in your head and proceeded to give it a whack. if anything inside your head was ever ordered and systematic, it promptly devolves into chaos. i consider myself highly logical and temperate but during a meltdown i'm so overwhelmed, disintegrated, bombarded with information i can't process (and needlesstosay frustrated) i lose my ability to think rational, cohesive thoughts. i enter a state of pure response not unlike fight-or-flight. i'm very difficult to reason with during these periods not because i mean to be difficult but because i'm too stricken, panicked and utterly overloaded to really be very receptive at that stage. it's like trying to calm an animal that has its leg caught in a bear trap. you might have all the best intentions, wanting to calm it down – but from the animal's perspective what it feels is blind panic and overcoming that panic to enter a calm state is easier said than done.

I tend to bottle up most of my "more intense" emotions, because my mother and sister are sick of hearing about them, and I'm tired of trying to explain my situation to new folks all the time. Every few weeks or months, I wind up screaming and crying into pillows, venting all my anger, pain, and rage the only way I can without hurting anyone else.

For me, there's just a lack of linear thought so it's impossible to move forward. It's like five different people have me backed into a corner, and each one is demanding that I do something completely different. One wants me to solve an algebra equation, one wants me to talk about my feelings, one wants me to sing a song, etc. I can't do it all at once, so they each begin to scream at me for not answering, not responding properly, etc. It's just total mental overload--impossible to do it all at once and impossible to think coherently about any one of them sufficiently to get them all done.

I like StarCity's explanation of what happens next, which is something along the lines of ***Just Make It Stop***. Anything to make it stop. Unfortunately this might mean screaming, crying, lashing out at the ones we love the most, etc. which really sucks because, of course, these are the people we love and we don't want to hurt them. But it happens...and then comes the guilt, shame, etc.

The thing I hate most about meltdowns is that I don't seem to get any notice. (That's actually why I signed on and searched "meltdown" because I'm wondering if anyone else feels this way.) I'll just be going along, trying to follow what's happening, kind of confused but that doesn't really raise red flags because "kind of" confused is not that uncommon (especially in very stimulating situations), and then suddenly I'm totally overwhelmed. If I at least had some warning I could say, "Wait, hold on, let's take a step back and start from the beginning," or "can we talk about this later, I'm having trouble concentrating with this background noise" or something, but no. I just try to stick with the conversation or whatever, and then suddenly I'm off the deep end and can't think at all. Ugh.

Like my stomach disappears into the ground. There is no rationality. There is an urge to scream. Sometimes it's hard to internalize it. A feeling of overwhelming hopelessness and tunnel-vision.

it feels like it is the end of the world

I start to feel hot. My clothes suddenly don't fit right. Any background noise annoys me. Things around me start to close in.
Then I start feeling too hot. My clothes feel like they are torturing my body. The tv sounds like a concert in my living room. Furniture, toys, dishes and any clutter starts to suffocate me.
Then the inevitable explosion.
The final stage is shame. I cry.