Mental abuse by parents

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If he is in the UK then I'd say his first port of call would be to get in touch with the NAS

NAS Website

particularly the Autism Helpline they do:

Autism Helpline

They can provide all kinds of advice - including legal I think.

Thank you and sorry for the late reply !
I had to figure out the post had generated a second page !
I'll inform him and let it know how it goes.

Thanks for all your stories and comments you guys !
About the debate that sort of started :

Even though opinions might vary on the subject whether this is abuse/illegal, or just tough parents, I can tell you again ; this IS crossing the line.
Looking at the situation from any angle is fine by me, but the person at hand has expressed deep depressions and just wants to get out so badly.
But the people supposed to support him simply don't

I dont think they do it on purpose. I just think when parents has a kid with problems, they grow over over whatever its called on english, that they forget that we grow up as well.

Ive had and still has some trouble with this with my mom. One of the reasons i was determined to move by my self, because it just wouldn work.

Sure i have problems and such, but i refuse to be controlled and told what to do anymore. And i know she doesnt do it out of bad will or anything.

The problem is the fine line between helping and becoming over protective thus not allowing us to mess up and learn, at least give the guy a shot.

Its not an easy situation to be in for him, i know all to well.

And the problem is, if he gets stuck there, what then some day, when parents die. Maybe thats what really motivated me, because i lost my dad at early age and only have my mom, i cannot allow myself to become so dependent on anyone, because they will die, and it doesnt exactly get easier to learn the older you get.

That being said doing chores and such isnt bad, and some people do have problems with money and they spend it all. Its hard to say without knowing him. But as with everything there needs to be balance, else parents ends up doing more harm than good i would say.

If you are always being controlled and treated like a child you will never grow up.

But its not easy moving out on your own or taking the big discussion with your parents and sometimes even the angry mad discussions. Sometimes there is only to put hard against hard and tell them enough is enough.

Its not easy taking responsibility for your own life, i know its wasnt for me at least. But it has to happen.

Working and contributing to the rent really isn't the issue here; the problem is more that the parents are taking their adult child's freedom, controlling his money, controlling his activities. If he's competent to make his own decisions, his disability shouldn't allow them to make those decisions for him.

Consider what you would think if a husband were doing this to his wife--taking away all access to money, demanding that she do housework most of the day and allowing free time only in the evenings, restricting access to everything, making all her choices for her. This would be considered abusive. It effectively prevents him from ever leaving, because he has no money to even get a taxi, much less rent an apartment.

It's natural for an adult child living at home to have the responsibility to contribute to the rent and housework. However, it is abusive to imprison him like this.

Since this young man is taking care of his parents' house, he evidently has the ability to live on his own. He doesn't need a group home. He may need an aide, but no more than weekly. His abilities seem to be better than my own, and I live independently--I couldn't take care of a house successfully the way he does, and I manage my own place.

If he wanted to move out and hire an assistant if he needs one, would they let him do it? Or would they try to keep him at home and run his life?

The way this young man is living... that is my nightmare. Not the chores; I've got no problem with those and willingly contributed to the work whenever I had housemates. But to live with your parents, with no rights and no way to leave, with no way to make your own decisions, not even to spend your time the way you want to spend it--that is something I literally have nightmares about. Most nights I dream I'm stuck at home, my mother making all my decisions, and I can't leave. I often put off going to sleep because I know I'll have that nightmare yet again. If I were in danger of having to move back in with my mother, I would probably consider homelessness to be a better alternative. To be hungry, cold, afraid, and free is better than to be warm, fed, physically safe, and helpless.

To clarify: Many people with disabilities do live with their parents, and are treated with respect and given the autonomy they deserve as adults. But with my parents, that would not happen. I would lose my rights. This young man seems to be one of those for whom living with parents is a bad idea, not because he's living with parents, but because of who his parents are and how they treat him.

By the way: You might want to warn him about the very real possibility that he will have trouble learning to make his own decisions. People who have lived in totalitarian situations often have a hard time realizing that they can now choose freely what to do. He may find himself trying to find someone to make his decisions for him, or he may become so afraid of having his freedom taken that he has trouble asking for help. He may even end up with PTSD-like symptoms. He may need help, need to learn how to deal with caretakers without either losing the ability to decide for himself or becoming too afraid of losing freedom to accept help at all. These are solvable problems. Self-determination is worth the confusion and uncertainty of a new life on one's own.

This is exactly what was making me feel uncomfortable about his situation, but couldn't find the words for.

The parents in this case are control freaks who view their offspring as an object and a slave.

They didn't even want him to get services/therapy which he, as an autistic person, should have.

They take his money from him and he gets not a penny, is also told to do their household chores for them, and act as a servant, and they're telling a 25 year old man when he has to go to bed, and keep him under their thumb in every way possible.

Anyone reading the opening thread in this post and claiming this is just him being expected to "contribute to the family" is lacking a grasp of what's normal. Sure family members work together to keep a household running, but offspring are not slaves nor do adult disabled children with a fairly nornal intelligence get told what to do every hour of the day and night.

The parents view their son as "disabled" and thus somehow less than human. This makes him a convenient domestic servant for them.

Whoever can't see this, wake up and smell the coffee. I'd love to know more about where this guy lives...and his name and address. I'd very much like the authorities to be brought up to speed on the lovely life they have him living.

Little alarms are going off right behind my eyebrows, and I think we may have hooked another catfish.

The way you worded this does make me think twice about my stance. I do not know why I feel as if a parent has more of a right to be controlling than a husband. If both people are adults, than they should be treated the same way. What I'm finding hard to look past is that he is choosing to stay with his parents, and that he is allowing them to take control of his finances. I look upon the situation almost as if his parents are doing a service for him by allowing him to remain in their home. I feel the same about any situation in which someone over the age of 18 is still living with their parents. I have many opinions, all for various reasons, and am entitled to them like everyone else. But I will be rethinking this particular opinion, so thank you for bringing the lack of logic to my attention and for not attacking me for my views. I love analogies, they're always enlightening and I use them often as well.



If you are referring to me, and claiming I lack a grasp of what is normal and that I should 'wake up and smell the coffee' I ask you, How do you know what is normal? There are many different ways to 'keep a household running' and just because someone's idea of how this is achieved is not the same as your own, does not make it abnormal. There is no possible way for you to know what goes on in the majority of households. I can tell you from experience many people living like the original posters friend, are not apt to share their stories because people are bigoted and are quick to scream 'ABUSE!' if they so much as mention their parents used corporal punishment on them. I also don't see anything about the parents deeming their child as less than human, where did you read that? Where are you getting your information?

I don't now the whole situation in the OP to know if the situation is abusive or not. Some people are careless about money and just spend it and then can't pay their bills or their rent so the parents or spouse may have to take it all from them to keep it from happening. I know I would have done the same if my husband was a spender and we couldn't pay our bills on time or our house mortgage because he blew it off on his game and other things and couldn't not spend it and couldn't grasp we have bills to pay and he can't keep on spending it but of course I would give him some money so he can have some spending money and it would be like an allowance. Some people give themselves an allowance because it helps with their own budget and how much they can spend and not be broke. Maybe the parents are trying to teach their son to manage their money or they could just be using him and don't want him to be independent so they never gave him help and refuse to. But is it really abuse if parents hold their kids back? That is what some parents do with their disabled children and I find it sad and I think it teaches them to use their condition as an excuse to not try because they have always been told they can't do with or that and not able to learn and they think they can do whatever they want and not have any responsibility. Some parents look at the label and use it to define their child and my mom says labels can be and bad and damaging because then people let it limit them and not get help so in a way, they are bad.

Also if you are living in a household, you are to contribute and pick up after yourself. Even when I was little and we had to stay with a friend for ten weeks because we had no place to stay, my parents contributed by cooking, washing the dishes and doing some cleaning because we were living in his house and we were being respectful guests and not trashing the place and leaving the mess for him to clean up. When you are an adult and still living at home, you do pay rent (unless you are going to school or just saving up to buy a house or to move out) and do chores and pick up after yourself. This isn't being a slave. It was nothing like Cinderella.

In the past, there have been posts on here by members who are opposed to paying rent (such as now this thread) and doing chores and blow their money off on stuff and then can't pay their bills, my ex was like this so to see posts like the OP I am always skeptical and need more information. I have seen people call doing chores slavery and that is one of the stupidist things I have ever read.

The way Callista put it, that sounded abusive and nothing like I saw in the OP. There is a difference making someone your slave and having them do chores.

But if there is no intrinsic will to grow up, then a parent must enact an extrinsic motivator. I certainly would not want to house a 25-year old who sat home all day, played computer games and nothing else. If this person is capable enough to do as many chores as he says he does, and whatever projects they are engaging in together, then certainly he can try to get a job. Or perhaps he's not being so honest with you about his situation? I think you have never met in person, right?

I feel the same way too. I wouldn't have a problem with it if he had a job and worked and cleaned up after himself and I wouldn't care then if he sat on his butt playing a computer game on his days off and in his spare time. I think lot of people feel this way.

I can't believe what I'm reading, are you for real?

I've been in a situation similar to what OP is describing and every notions of autonomy, dignity and perspective are destroyed, depression grows and a feeling of powerlessness, guilt and dependence are taking over; the "parents" or persons in situation of power, play between the contradictory blame that the victim is "dependent and weak" AND that the person is "owing something" to them (WHICH CREATE the dependency), a vicious circle which is a typical bully tactic.
I've had people reacting like you and this disgusts me, you're exactly part of the problem and not of the solution; you basically have the same reasoning as the abusive parents of the guy have.

Jeez...

So your solution is to let the guy (who is obviously a capable human being) sit home and play on the computer all day and do nothing else, for years on end? Really?

the bigger issue is that if no one will hire us... for many reasons... since we get fired... then we sit at home on the computer since the quest for these jobs has failed... by my standards sitting on a computer all day is bad... but we walk around the house and take breaks... for example if bittorrent is running then we just leave it on downloading data from the internet..

society has become more negative towards us since the sandy hook shootings since they blamed autism/aspergers on the shooting (said that the guy had aspergers)... a government inside job basically.

No but don't blame the guy for this situation, sometimes the "parents" or the persons in charge create a sterile situation; a bonehead yelling "get a joaab!" is not empowering for the person at the receiving end, especially since the guy might have issues like Asperger too AND there is the difficult social context.

I think keeping a young man active, with purpose, and not letting him stagnate in his room all day is healthy. The longer one does not do anything physically or constructively, the harder it is to get going. Indulging one's own special interests is a dream life, but people do not live in dreams, especially when one day this person is actually going to have to live independently when parents kick the ol' bucket. He has to learn how to take care of himself and be responsible. If the way he can show responsibility is to do household chores, then that is not a crime. As far as his contributing money toward the household expenses in which he lives, I also see nothing wrong with that if he otherwise would be spending all his money on hobbies and nothing else. What the young man should do, however, is show some initiative and tell his parents he will contribute 50% of his money toward the home in which he lives (to show good faith) and the other 50% will go toward saving to get his own residence. It actually might make little sense for him to do that if he remains unemployed. If the parents are going to will the house to him anyway after they die, then he has a pretty easy-peasy life if you ask me.