Socialising advice please.

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The problem is I like to be out and about (I love traveling around the countryside and coast and want to take up activities such as horse riding and kayaking). I don't spend a lot of time online as a result. Plus I had a bad experience with online people where they accused me of not wanting to help myself and refused to give me a chance socially. They were local Norfolk people and it is clear to me that they just don't want to accept me regardless of what I do. In fact I have done a great deal to help myself, more so than most people would do in a lifetime.

It is either a case of there not being anyone willing to give me a fair chance or there just not being anyone compatible with me in this county (ie I like to go out and visit museums etc,...if I do meet a contact (usually a male wanting sex) they want to stay in the house watching television all evening. I find this uninteresting and do not wish to entertain their company, even for the sake of having sex).

I think the suggestion of moving to a different area might work best if I don't decide to just commit suicide. I want to, I just lack the courage and the method right now as I know my social issues are never going to change, especially if I stay where I am living.

Norfolk people have made it clear they are not going to accept me.
Online groups are also full of people who bully me (except this site thus far)
I am not asexual and hate being rejected by every male in the area when I am not even unattractive (not to men in other parts of the country anyway).

If I can't move I'd be better off dead than stuck trapped alive in this miserable existence in a world full of people who will not give me a break no matter what I do or how hard I try.

I hate that I am still alive. My only wish tonight is that I will die soon and that my suffering will be over that way. It is the only way it is ever going to end.

Why put effort in if no one is going to give you a break?

Just the occasionally guy who keeps on and on all evening about how he thinks he understands your depression and why you are so hard on yourself when that is not one of your symptoms (depression yes, hard on myself no...I'm very kind and understanding towards myself actually which is why I think the kindest thing I can do for myself now is end my life. Keeping myself alive is cruel given the circumstances...a loving person that goes out of their way to try and make sure people are comfortable, remains polite etc forced into isolation against their will with no chance of things changing. The humane thing to do is to end my life, the cruel thing would be to keep myself alive and watch my mental state deteriorate as a result of other peoples inhumanity, cruelty and rejection when I have done everything a human could possibly do to try and change things).

I am tired of getting emails from people saying things like "people pity but no one wants to be with you" because they think I sit at home in bed all day beating myself up when I do not.

In fact I am out all day most days as I hate being stuck in. I go to the gym, I eat healthy, I drink sometimes but not usually more than once a fortnight, I try to make social contact with people, I try to be polite, friendly, considerate....and so on.

I think those people who sent me those emails want me to end things anyway. They have told me to kill myself before.

I want to die, I just wish I knew the best way of doing it. I don't want to suffer much. I have had enough suffering as it is. i really just want to go quickly and preferably in my sleep.

I got into cycling many years ago, and I made some pretty good friends that way... plus, I got fit... really fit. Cycling is great because you are alone, but you can talk a little, and then there are stops, and flats, and views... very fun too.

Also, I learned to play backgammon (and read some books about it), and then years later I moved to the Caribbean. Turned out that the local folks loved to play backgammon, and it was a huge ice-breaker for me.

No - you're not a monster. Far from it!

Bumble, although we live in different countries, I've read quite a lot of your posts and have come to like you very much. You're a gentle, kind hearted soul who's absolutely crackers about cross stitch.

I'd like to be your friend - long distance friend at least.

Personally, I prefer non-fiction books on Quantum Physics, Scientific and Historical Anomalies, Conspiracy Theories and some True Crime. I like writing horror stories and those are subjects that really get my dark imagination working.

I used to read a lot of Science Fiction and Horror. I grew up on Poe, Twain, Asimov, Heinlein, Tolkien, Michael Crichton, Richard Matheson and Later Stephen King - but I worshiped Rod Serling and HP Lovecraft, though I don't often pick up fiction anymore. I prefer to learn something from what I'm reading and I'd usually rather write fiction these days than read it.