cuddle limits at school

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Sometimes hugs and cuddles are fine and appropriate and sometimes they are not. I think that if the person says what they need and want than you should respect what the person says they need and want. If your LSA says only one hug per session than you should respect that. You can also ask her if she would rather not have any hugs if that is better for her. Then you can respect whatever she says. I am a huggy person too and some people who are close to me also hug everyone even clients at work and it is always fine. I even hug people I meet for the first time sometimes. So it really does depend on the person. Some people I can't stand to touch because of the vibe I feel from them. But since this is a school situation, just talk to your LSA and ask her if it's best to not give hugs at all or if it's really okay to give one. It's difficult to put a hard fast rule on this because situations are different. And now that sexual harassment is such a concern and people can freak out over any small impression, you do need to always consider that. But I think the best thing is to really ask her and talk to her so that you understand and then respect the boundaries that are set. They are for the safety of her job position as well as for your own safety. It's a shame that this is the reality we live in but unfortunately it is.

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OP's aide has a relationship with him that she probably feels helps her to do her job. Some people in OP's position do need closeness or physical contact to bond with their aides and it can be helpful. but there are real risks and the rules to mitigate those risks need to be applied on a general basis with individual exceptions few and far between. Op's aide does not want to hurt his feelings but physical contact between people in the staff-client relationship is not generally ok.
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Last edited by buffinator on 24 Dec 2013, 12:20 am, edited 1 time in total.

If other people don't want to cuddle with you, then you should respect their wishes (or school policies that they are following) and not cuddle with them, even if you want to.

Well that's not good, but you're projecting it onto the OP which is also not fair.

I'm not saying OP is going to hurt anyone. I'm explaining why the rules are the way they are... or trying to. I know another guy who is very contact heavy in a non-sexual way and once his staff get's used to it it's fine. But there are higher forces at work in schools and society that can get in the way.

let me state my points concisely.
- If you are asked to stop cuddling so much you need to do so.
- Being asked to stop cuddling doesn't mean the aide doesn't like you.
- Sometimes the reasons for a change like this aren't obvious.

- cuddling can be viewed by a boss or parent as inappropriate touching
- Misinformation can cause simple cuddling to be treated as much worse
- the consequences for the staff can be severe.
- if you are asked to stop again and will not or can not they may give you a different aide. (I want to be clear, I'm not saying this will happen, I am saying it can happen.)

Be glad you didn't go to high school where I went to high school in the 1970's: just showing the slightest form of expression would have you expelled.

This is why I think it's important that he talk to his LSA and that he makes sure that he clearly understands what she needs and wants. It is her job to set the boundary. It is not fair to him to keep it unclear and have him guess just to spare his feelings. She needs to be the one to say if a hug is allowed and what type of hug is allowed. There are many types of hugs and some have less contact than others. But if she is not clear in the boundaries and definitions, he will not be able to figure it out. And once she clearly sets the boundaries, it is both of their jobs to respect them.

Buffinatior, It is horrible that your colleague got molested. That really is a terrible thing and like you mentioned, she should have set firm and clear boundaries from the beginning and if the client refused to respect those boundaries than she should have been released from that client for her own protection. But I think the OP really wants to do what is right or he would not be asking. And I don't think you were speaking anything towards the OP, I think you were saying what you said to protect him. But it really is important for the LSA to be very clear and not to be insecure when setting boundaries. I do not believe that the OP has inappropriate motives towards the LSA, I think he is just trying to understand what is best in his situation and I am sure he will choose to do what is best once he understands what that is.

Last edited by skibum on 24 Dec 2013, 12:29 am, edited 5 times in total.

That is scary.

I don't know what the difference between a cuddle and a hug is I guess. Because cuddling over here is what people do when they watch TV. They lean on each other for a long time. A hug is wrapping your arms around someone. Your LSA should NEVER allow a student to do either. A 17 year old never hugs without there being a sexual component. And she is saying "Once per lesson," but you just can't control yourself?

Is this actually true? I have known plenty of 17 year old boys and have hugged them without any kind of sexual anything. Most of them were from church though where it is custom for everyone to hug each other so maybe it's just because they were kids from church. And girls hug all the time without it being sexual. So it never occurred to me that a hug for a teen boy would automatically have a sexual component to it. But I think that the OP is the only one who can know for sure if he feels that way or not.

If she says "don't cuddle me", then stop cuddling her.

It's always best to err on the side of caution in a situation like this.

I hug/cuddle no one. I see people do it sure but they seem to know when it's okay. I don't. I only know it's okay to when someone wants to hug/cuddle me. Only people I hug/cuddle are my son and husband and perhaps my parents.

Really guy's
I use the words hugs and cuddles unchangeable.
Its a hug
So no need for slot of your lots bs.

In fairness, you may use them interchangeably but most people don't. They actually do mean very different things so it is impossible for us to have known that you use them interchangeably. By definition cuddling has much deeper implications than hugging. Whether it is cuddling like a little child does or like adults might do in a sexual way, it is still much more than the actual definition of hugging. So please do not be offended if people misunderstood you.

Then hug her only one time per session and no more. Tell her to remind you and hold her hands up to stop you and say "We already had our hug this time". What's the problem with keeping it at one hug per session?

Where I live, people are touchy feely. We hug, we touch each other on the arm, all that. It's very common. A student and teacher would hug, usually if it was a female teacher hugging a female student but in some situations they would hug a male student, it depends on the situation. These are just ordinary out of the blue hugs when the student is having some kind of problem or upset, or if the student or teacher had been on vacation or home sick then hugs on returning would be normal, but just one or two per student and those would usually be initiated by the students.

But, even though we are touchy feely down here, and people hug all the time, and I love hugs as much as the next gal, I would probably get frustrated and annoyed with 3 or 4 hugs in a session if it happened very often. That could be the problem. Also, are you very boisterous with your hug and energetic and just GRAB HER, or is it where you hold out your arms and she hugs you back and it's gentle? Because that first kind is hard to take.

There is a simple solution here, and that's to only hug her once per session. If you really like hugs that much, see if she can give you a hug as a prize for something so you can have two per session, or on certain days you can have an extra one. Maybe she can give you a little token that you can redeem with her for a hug at a later date. You can use this as positive reinforcement too you know.