Have you ever felt that your honesty scared others?

Post Reply New Topic

I tell the truth as I see it. I think that does scare some people, and I think some people like it too.

It all depends on what I say, I can be a bit unpredictable with it.

Something that I consider to be a Truth is that groups of people operate within norms of expected social interactions. What these norms are is usually influenced by the prevailing culture.

If I wish to communicate a thought effectively to such people or groups, it is helpful if I do so in a way they can most easily receive and process it, which is to say in a way that is consistent with the group's norms.

A classic and frequently cited example from business training is that, when negotiating with Japanese, saying "No" to a proposal is considered quite rude and inappropriate, and can lead to an unsuccessful business relationship. Instead of saying "no", a Japanese businessman is more likely to say: "That would be difficult." The training point for American businessmen is to understand this difference and govern themselves accordingly... if they wish to achieve a successful result from the meeting.

So I see speaking truth as one thing; the manner in which I speak it is another.

And also, as a friend once counseled me: "Marky, not everyone is entitled to your opinion."

I didn't see any reference to "brutal" truth telling in this thread. The OP made it clear that this is about situations where there is no intention at all of offending, and no awareness that the comment may cause offense. As I understood it the very premise of this thread is we are surprised by the reactions others have to our honesty. Therefore there is no realization that the comment will hurt or that it is willingly phrased to be hurtful.

What you are asking about seems to me like it is a completely different kind of situation - opposite, really, to what is being discussed in this thread. I don't read all the threads on this forum, and I don't recall seeing the kind of comment or discussion you are referring to, but I am wondering why you would bring up it up in THIS thread when it seems to me this discussion is about something different. It seems like your line of questioning is conflating the two different types of scenarios, and implying that they are somehow intertwined or interrelated.

When I responded earlier in this thread, I did not have anything in mind remotely like the kind of willingly hurtful, brutal honesty you are referring to.



What I had in mind are situations where honesty upsets the status quo...a scenario where people do not want to acknowledge something that is already known or self-evident, and that may even be quite factual in nature, and instead they prefer to avoid the subject or pretend that something else is true. Think of the classic story about the emperor who has no clothes on.

http://deoxy.org/emperors.htm



You are incorrect.

In my job for instance, we have used some of the same promotions and sales tactics over and over again with poor results. The results speak for themselves. It is factual information, whether is it complex sales data, or a simple count of how many contracts or promotions were sold. A "1" or "zero" result for an entire district involving thousands of customers is a fact, not a matter of opinion. A reasonable opinion would be to say that something that has failed multiple times in the past is not likely to succeed in the future. Then there is also the matter of personal feelings, such as feeling discouraged by the situation, or feeling a lack of motivation.

So there are 3 different types of honesty that may be expressed in this kind of scenario: facts, opinions, and feelings. However it is tacitly forbidden to actually mention any of this in a meeting when we are getting ready to sell one of these promotions again. Instead people are expected to be "positive" and talk about how well it will do. Some people on the team will try to be optimistic and say what the managers want to hear. Others will just keep silent. Both of these groups will vent their true feelings about it later, in private and out of the hearing of the managers. A few people may be more honest in a one on one meeting with a manager, as this is sometimes more acceptable than airing things out in a group setting.

But there may be one or two people in a group setting, who WILL be honest, in varying combinations of facts, opinions, or feelings. This puts everyone on edge and there is usually a stunned silence while everyone waits to see what will happen. People tend to follow the cues of the leader(s) of the group as to how they react.

The same thing can happen in personal relationships. For instance certain things just aren't pointed out or mentioned in a family, until a small child who doesn't know that makes an innocent comment. It could be something like, "Uncle Bob's hair is sliding off his head" where it is factually true that Uncle Bob wears a toupee and everyone knows it but it is understood that no one ever talks about it.

Hello,

NT here.

Stuckwithin - thanks for explaining the 'brutal' part to me. Of course, I failed to take into account the connotations of 'brutal truth', a second language slip up (false friends of sorts... )

And what you mentioned about the car accident - my husband would react much the same - fascinated by the technicalities and likelihoods involved.

I remember when I was diagnosed with cancer - he told me, quite matter of fact: we all have to die once Yes - I knew that to, but to mention this was totally uncalled for at that moment. And my grandad knew that smoking is unhealthy so no need for me to tell him.

I think there is also a difference between abstract truth based on anything that has been established within a scientific framework (peer reviewed, tested, , background and finances laid open etc. - and which of course can become flase a soon as new evidenc turns up) This is crudely phrased, i know.

and "subjective truth" based on information informally gathered, resulting from generalizing life experiences (Love and Dating is full of this). Like pople telling me, my kid's behavioural problems came from too much TV (they very often do - but we didn't have TV at the time).

So I think I'll have to be very careful and structured when dealing with this topic.

Greetings

Ennik

I feel that my negativity and attention to detail often scares others. I say it as I see it. I don't put a sugarcoat on things. The attention to detail further scares others because it makes me seem obsessive (guess).

I wish you (or anyone) could give some real examples instead, because I really don't know what kind of real life truths you are talking about.


What the...? If someone I loved told me they had cancer that would so not be my reaction! I may have frozen completely in shock, but I sure wouldn't have said that to someone important to me! Actually I hadn't said that to anyone.
When my dog was getting old a neighbor of mine said to me that "Everything dies, the dog too". I knew that, was very aware of that, but I still thought it was a lousy comment (understatement). She thought I was in my mid teens (she asked me if I was in junior high or high school; I just laughed and said I was through with junior high), so maybe she said so because she thought I was much younger than I was (30), and needed to be prepared, but I still thought it was a harsh comment. Not all aspies love brutal truth.
You can state the truth and still be gentle about it.

I did give some real life examples in my previous post.

I think my honesty baffles others.