I Feel Like a Fraud..
Aside from the sadness, WP seems saner than every other forum I've ever been on.
I share many of the OP's doubts about myself also.
Last edited by Stannis on 01 Feb 2014, 11:01 am, edited 4 times in total.
Hello Norny!
I think I know what you are saying. You don't sound like a fraud, you sound like someone who has had to struggle to survive without being detected.
I think a lot of people who come to WP have had to do that in their lives.
For me WP is a place where I can be who I am without being judged. Nobody is judging you here.
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I just feel discombobulated (cheers, Bumble) in that I feel as if I do have Asperger's, but I've adapted so well that I may as well not even bother with a diagnosis. I distinctly remember having really annoying compulsive desires/rituals/thoughts when I was young (just as an example), and that lasted for years. I kept them to myself though as I knew if I told others I'd have no control over it, and they'd call me stupid or something like that. I have really good self awareness in some aspects, and as they were stressing me out I just changed them over the years.
Using an analogy, those with a typical case of Asperger's are squares. Neurotypicals are circles. I started as a square, but have adapted and now am somewhere between a square and circle. Most people with Asperger's seem to have adapted in one way or another, but rather than existing somewhere between a square and a circle like myself, it's as if they are still a square, but can transform in to somewhat of a circle.
Basically, what I mean by that analogy is that most cases of which I read, the people with Asperger's can 'cover up' their symptoms (they still have them at their core, while I have gotten rid of some of mine completely. In a sense, I feel as if I am actually a Neurotypical (a circle) but shaped by Asperger's (a circle with added parts that make it a square). It's really hard to explain, and I know the rituals etc weren't just age based as no one else did them and my sister thought I was really strange when she saw me doing them.
That's me to a large extent. I'm 60 and my sense is that many if not most members here are younger and in some cases, much younger. I started as a square, and I see myself now as somewhere between a hexagon and an octagon. But because I am still limited in my social/communicative abilities, I will never be a complete circle. I've come as far as I can in those areas. Someone mentioned timetables and schedules and it triggered a memory. I was fascinated by them well into my 20s and even into my 30s. I used to go into Penn Station in NY every year just to pick up their national system wide schedule.

OP, my opinion is that even if you feel like myself and Norny, or even if you feel completely NT, you have a place in a forum like this. Your life experience has value. Everyone's does. ASD awareness among NTs is also important.
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AQ 34
Your Aspie score: 104 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 116 of 200
You seem to have both Aspie and neurotypical traits
my life was hard, but at the same time, i was mostly left to fend for myself, so i was a very happy baby
when i was only 3, i would walk around the reserve i lived on all the time, alone, in my Pjs, bare foot, and not groomed. my parents had no real control over me, they just gave up with trying to dress me. but it didnt bother me, i was very very very happy as a child. so i had a lot of issues but mostly i was happy.
dont feel like a fraud here, its a support forum, your welcome here as much as you are here, im sure many people, if not half dont have a diagnoses, but a diagnoses will not change the fact that you may have issues with socializing, functioning and communicating. Diagnoses mean nothing to the general public, it can be used but it doesnt mean anything, its a tool for doctors, and professionals. so dont sweat.
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Obsessing over Sonic the Hedgehog since 2009
Diagnosed with Aspergers' syndrome in 2012.
Diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder Level 1 severity without intellectual disability and without language impairment in 2015.
DA: http://mephilesdark123.deviantart.com
I'd like to pose the same question. I am discombobulated...as usual, again.
I'd like to be combobulated one day. I can live and dream..
No we would never fight, Ezra and I are fabulous.
Norny is my sworn enemy. He tasks me. He tasks me and I shall have him! I'll chase him 'round the moons of Nibia and 'round the Antares Maelstrom and 'round perdition's flames before I give him up!
Oh wait, that's from Star Trek Wrath of Khan. Never mind, were buds.
btbnnyr
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Joined: 18 May 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,359
Location: Lost Angleles Carmen Santiago
In my life, I am not crippled by autism. I am going for what I want and trying my best on what I do and making the most of what I have.
Am I a fraud? Of course not. Do I feel like a fake? Not at all.
My point is that you shouldn't compare yourself to others on the Internetz and judge yourself as this or that based on what you read. In real life, the autistic people I know are more like what you described of yourself than most of the descriptions on forums and blogs.
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Drain and plane and grain and blain your brain, and then again,
Propane and butane out of the gas main, your blain shall sustain!
Yes, for the most part. I don't know how impaired I may actually be, but I feel like I have learned to compensate very well. I think if I could have been evaluated properly as a child or teenager, I most likely would have been diagnosed, but I'm not sure if I would be now. Inside I am still the same person with the same neurological oddities I have always had, but I have learned how to live with it.
I can relate to what you wrote. I wouldn't go so far as to say I feel like a fraud on this forum, but I wonder how much right I have to consider myself autistic when I see other people here with far greater difficulties than I have. On the other hand, I feel more like a fraud in "real life" in my job or in other situations where I essentially pass as normal. I have felt that was since I was 6-7 years old, like I was faking my way through everything and fooling everyone.
I feel like I am caught somewhere in the middle and I don't know how to identify myself...I am not severely impaired, for the most part I am able to get by and function okay. But any number of things could happen to upset the balance of me being able to function.
I don't know how much I actually suffer from my autistic traits, in and of themselves. I think I suffer more from the way other people have treated me (because of my autistic traits?) and PTSD and basically just the heartbreak of knowing how much I have missed out on in life.
I was diagnosed last year, at age 50. Sometimes I question my diagnosis, because I am not as "crippled" (I probably would ordinarily not use this word) as many others in WP. I am married. I have had two kids. I have been able to maintain employment in the high tech industry for ~25 years (albeit with lots of social struggles and fairly regular changes in employer).
I do suffer from dysphoria and anxiety (according to the psychologist who diagnosed me, I have an ongoing, underlying, mild depression that gets worse with stress and dealing with change). I have found the key is to keep myself (and my mind) busy. When I do that (on things that I find useful), then I can cope fairly well. At least in that moment.
StarTrekker
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Joined: 22 Apr 2012
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,088
Location: Starship Voyager, somewhere in the Delta quadrant
I'd like to pose the same question. I am discombobulated...as usual, again.
I'd like to be combobulated one day. I can live and dream..
No we would never fight, Ezra and I are fabulous.
Norny is my sworn enemy. He tasks me. He tasks me and I shall have him! I'll chase him 'round the moons of Nibia and 'round the Antares Maelstrom and 'round perdition's flames before I give him up!
Oh wait, that's from Star Trek Wrath of Khan. Never mind, were buds.
Yay! Another Trekkie!
_________________
"Survival is insufficient" - Seven of Nine
Diagnosed with ASD level 1 on the 10th of April, 2014
Rediagnosed with ASD level 2 on the 4th of May, 2019
Thanks to Olympiadis for my fantastic avatar!
From what you've written I don't know if you feel that you're fake to yourself or fake to others, or rather, I don't know which one is upsetting you. That distinction matters greatly IMO.
Lack of a clear self-identity has been an Asperger's trait on lists for female aspies, although I don't recall seeing it mentioned anywhere for all aspies, although I would assume if it is an aspie trait that it would apply to anyone.
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Not autistic, I think
Prone to depression
Have celiac disease
Poor motivation
Maybe you're schizoid. People with schizoid personalities superficially resemble autistic people. Schizoid personalities fall within the range of normal personality variation; they don't have problems with reading non-verbal communication, social reciprocation, and sensory issues, as well as language/speech delays. And they also have better adult adjustment.
They tend to be more withdrawn and different from their peers, and have trouble fitting in.
I sometimes wonder how many people with schizoid personalities have been misdiagnosed with Asperger's.
Last edited by Acedia on 01 Feb 2014, 5:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.
They tend to more withdrawn and different from their peers, and have trouble fitting in.
I sometimes wonder how many people with schizoid personalities have been misdiagnosed with Asperger's.
I sometimes wonder about this myself. When I was diagnosed, I was part-way expecting a schizoid diagnosis. Perhaps because my uncle (who works in the mental health profession but is not very familiar with autism) suggested that as a possibility. I would not at all be surprised if there are people on WP with the incorrect diagnosis (either professional or self-diagnosis).
I was diagnosed with schizoid and then that diagnosis was disregarded and I was re-diagnosed with Aspergers.
To be honest though, I didn't even know what was happening to me when I was being diagnosed. I was in such a state back then.
Sorry if I've gone off subject.
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We have existence
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