experience of grieving around diagnosis

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This.^^

And this. That about sums it up.

I am a bit computer illiterate, so I don''t know how to put 2 quotes in one reply.

For me, it has to do with the fact that I now realize that I'm always going to be the same childish person struggling with most of the same stuff. I always thought (and other people told me!) that if I could just 'get out of my shell' I would be a lot more amazing and happy. Its true that I'm happy in many ways (possibly even amazing, though that's debatable), and I don't want to be anyone else, but the hope of one day becoming a vibrant, successful grownup is pretty much dead now.

Its not just about grieving for me. Its not even largely grievous. I'm happy too, partly just because I'm always going to be that childish, struggling person. I know more about how to move on from here and what to expect and I feel like the burden of having to be someone else is gone now; I can just be my own sweet, awkward, pathetic little self. I think I'm dimly hilarious, and if I was better socially I wouldn't amuse myself so much.

I wonder, too. In some ways I think it would have given me a physiological (psychological?) explanation for things that I saw as moral issues; if I knew that I had 'a touch of autism' and that was why I didn't experience the feelings and connections that I thought I should, I might not have believed I was a bad person. On the other hand, I already felt like I was predestined to hell, and if I knew that I was born a little bit autistic -- apparently 'lacking humanity', as someone else mentioned -- this would only have confirmed this belief. I realize now that people on the spectrum have the capacity to love (and it really is love, even if it seems weird), but back then, I probably wouldn't have seen that, and I would have assumed that I was cosmic rubbish that had been deliberately crippled in my ability to love, and therefore to be fully human, before I was even born.

Well to be honest no one died...so no not really. I was actually just more glad to have the knowledge and more understanding of why I am the way I am.

It's not a horrible disease that spreads from person to person. It's a neurological difference where our brains are 10% larger than that of the general population. It also doesn't mean that we're inferior to NTs of better than they are. It means that we're different and being different can be fun.

It's a mixed bag. On the one hand it's a relief to know but knowing doesn't in and of itself fix anything. It's a different life being on the spectrum vs. not. Will always be.