Allowing Yourself To Be Aspie

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I don't stim unless you count rubbing pieces of silky material as stimming or talking to oneself or similar.

I try not to talk to myself in public but I have been known to get upset in supermarkets at times. Not sure if what I have are meltdowns or not.

Other than the occasional talking to myself or outburst/upset (which only happens when I am overwhelmed by something) I come across as quiet and reserved in public so I don't think most people would notice me. I am usually very polite and hold doors open for people etc. So at those times people just think I am a very considerate or polite person.

Old people seem to like talking to me and local stray cats seem to keep trying to adopt me (well they keep trying to get into my house anyway). I am thinking about adopting a dog...not to scare the cats, the cats are sweet, but because I want someone to cuddle and go walkies with. Then if I talk to myself it will look like I am talking to them instead...meanwhile the doggie can wonder what on earth mummy is rattling on about!

I am not sure about the company of humans these days...they all seem to be so negative and unhappy. It has been years since I heard anyone say anything nice or appreciative about something. They seem to be overly concerned with the status of their ego. I don't know why because none of it will matter when they are dead and life is too short as it is. Why not enjoy life whilst you have it to enjoy?

I am not interest in worth/worthlessness, perfection/imperfection, superior/inferior...

I really just want to explore Britains coast line, go beach combing for fossils and listen to the sound of waves and feel the sand beneath my toes whilst I paddle with the water gently lapping against my feet.

I want to ponder our ancestors in the paleolithic and how they lived.

I want to appreciate a beautiful piece of art or play a beautiful piece of music on the piano or clarinete

I want to enjoy good food and share laughter with somebody....

I want to star gaze on a beautiful starry night with a gentle summer breeze caressing my skin....

All humans seem to do is hate and complain. I wonder sometimes if they ever enjoy anything.

My apologies for the digression with the bad grammar. I am bothered today by an argument with the drug head dude who actually bothered to create a new account on a different site because I had blocked him on his old one to carry on a debate about Worthlessness and self hatred which I didn't want to have. He was convinced that my lack of self hatred meant that I thought I was superior or some other bollocks.

My therapist said I had HEALTHY self esteem, not inflated.

I bet if I got a pooch they wouldn't bark on and on all night about their inferiority/superiority drug induced obsession...

In fact he'd probably just give me a cuddle and wag his tail if I decided to go outside and throw his ball for him. Seems so much simpler and yet more fulfilling then human relationships.

Last edited by bumble on 07 Apr 2014, 4:18 am, edited 1 time in total.

I try to stim as little as possible in public, but often I am not aware, that I talk to myself. Sometimes I "thoughtfully" bite a finger or wiggle fingers in the pocket. If something is awfully wrong (I have an appointment and the train is delayed, so I won´t make it to the bus in time) I might pace and talk, but I generally try to keep it down.

After dx, I thought, I was stimming more than before, but I actually just called it something else back then: Rocking = rythmic body motion caused by movement of leg, biting pencils and fingers= outlet of jaw tension and other good explanations.

New patterns have emerged: handmovements, flapping when impatient, - like when I can´t get someone off the phone. Before I just tensed up and clinched my fist. I began loosening up deliberately because my hand hurt. It feels like an energy, that wants out.
Now I am almost jumping about to get rid of the exess tension as well, so I guess I look funny, when I want to end a too long conversation on the phone.

Last edited by Jensen on 07 Apr 2014, 7:05 am, edited 2 times in total.

I don't have much control over myself so sometimes I can be seen shaking my hand and will probably rock after a severe panic attack. When I get really anxious and impatient I'll have a verbal meltdown. I stop myself from losing too much control in public at the cost of my own mental and physical health. At home I tend to destroy objects in my room. I more shut down in public. I can't really stop the staring stims. Went I get overwhelmed I start to look side ways and look up a lot. I can't stop being hyper or impulsive or most of what comes out of my mouth.

I wouldn't sidestep someone who is rocking in public but I have this strange anxiety that when I see people who may be physically or mentally disabled or are very young, I fear I will accidentally hurt them. I'm a very clumsy person. I just think I might knock into them. Once I got int the way of a guy on crutches and he said some sarcastic remark to me. Ever since I've been very cautious around the disabled and small children.

I rock a lot -- both while sitting and standing. When I am not doing anything else with my hands I continually rub my palms and fingertips together (this is very different from what people do when their hands are cold and not the same as hand-wringing, others notice it -- actually it was the first stim anybody ever commented on and called a "stim" -- it's how I learned the word). If I get excited or upset, I sometimes flap my hands. These are the types of stimming I was talking about.

As long as it does not involve anything lewd or harmful to self/others/property, I see nothing wrong with public stimming. Anything that is different/unsual about someone will draw attention, and that attention can be very negative -- but that doesn't mean the difference itself is bad.

I rock and sometimes talk to myself under my breath. I flex and extend my fingers or figit with my hands sometimes or shake my leg. I also rub my eyebrows or rub smooth surfaces. All of these things I do in public. Sometimes I gently pace or hum in public too. I seal my ears shut when I hear a Misophonic trigger and I don't care who is around or what they think. It' snot fair to me to have to not seal my ears just for society's sake. And if the choice is seal my ears or rip someone's face off and gauge out their eyes, I will choose sealing my ears shut. And if they have a problem with me doing that, once they know the alternative they tend to stop having a problem with it.

Before I knew I was Aspie I would have never stimmed in public because I did not even understand why I was stimming so I would have just gritted my teeth and suppressed everything. But now that I am learning how I tick and the reason I am what I am and feel what I feel I give myself a lot more freedom to express it publicly. It relieves a lot of stress which was killing me before. And I am very open about telling people I am Aspie and Misophonic. But I never suppress the urge to rock anymore, And I don't rock violently I always rock gently because that soothes me more than quick violent rocking so I don't think my rocking should be offensive to anyone.

DVCal, I would be really encouraged if you challenged yourself to not cross the street if you saw someone flapping hands or rocking. If you did that to me it would make me feel super hurt and embarrassed for something that I might not be able to control. Remember that sometimes stimming is involuntary and as much as the person would like to not have to do it they might not have a choice. Sometimes I rock and am not even aware that I am rocking until it's pointed out to me. I understand if it is disturbing for you to see it but perhaps you can imagine how the person feels who is going through it. It might already be embarrassing for him and then to be treated like he has some horrific contagious disease or like he is so gross and disgusting that you can't even be on the same side of the street with him, that only hurts more.

Before I knew about Autism I used to think it was a little odd when I saw someone stim but I never thought to be obvious about how I felt. Sometimes I even felt scared when I saw something like that. But now that I know what it is and now that I give myself the freedom to do my own stims and that I now recognize the stimming that I have done all my life, when I see someone spinning or flapping in public or doing whatever they do, I just smile and think to myself, "Stim on Dude," because now I know how helpful it is to them and how good it is for them to do it.

Exactly!

I agree.
And I see NT's react to situations in public by cursing loudly and stuff and no one seems to have any issues with that.

The only time I get self conscious and embarrassed about it is when my dermatophagia gets really bad and I rip a huge, deep piece of skin off from around my fingernail and it starts to bleed - and without fail, someone at work will bring a printout of code or something else that requires pointing at the paper, and they'll say something like "What happened to your finger?" and all I can think of saying is "I got it caught in a mechanical rice picker!" (- Nah, that's from Star Trek.)
I'm sort of forced into telling them "I chew my fingers ". That gets all kind of weird reactions. I hate that. Especially when they follow it up with "WHY???" and all I want to say is "Because I work with dumb humans like you who can't understand simple code like this!! !" but they don't like it when I say things like that. Pity!

Yeah. basically, my finger's falling off because you are a moron! LOL! It's too bad that you actually hurt yourself though. Hopefully it's not too often.

I've been picking and biting them since before I can remember. I can't remember a time when I didn't do it.

Half the time, I'm not even aware I'm doing it. It doesn't usually hurt and I find it extremely pleasurable and best of all, I can do it most anywhere (except for in-front of certain close relatives, who try and stop me. That just makes me be more sneaky about doing it when they're around I can even do it one handed!

Some anxious behaviors can look suspicious to them as well....but then again not all cops are evil I try to keep that in mind because when there are cops about it does make me nervous not because I did anything wrong but some past experiences and things I have heard/seen. Around where I live though I don't really stick out....as being out of place. Its not exactly a very uppity sort of area, there are some areas I am worried I would stick out as suspicious seeming but yeah where I live the cops mostly stick to pulling people over for speeding and such...unless someone causes a real scene and someone calls the cops. Once you get into Denver though the cops are more likely to harass people but i live a bit outside Denver.

It is unfortunate many police really don't know how to deal with people with mental conditions or mental illness, sometimes its a problem of ignorance though I don't think its out of the question that some cops might get pleasure out of harrassing someone with mental problems.

I have Aspergers, and am High functioning and I don't stim I don't think. I do sometimes chew my hands (though I try not to do that), and I do like chewing a pen and grinding my fingers on them (try not to do that either, but sometimes do when I am nervous....did start using stress balls which is more socially acceptable). I also sometimes talk to myself and I pace a lot.
I didn't really view that as stimming..... I know a lot of NT people who talk to themselves a lot or pace, or chew their fingernails, or using stressballs e.t.c.........

I generally try to fit in with NTs and have learnt to respond appropriately. I try not to draw attention to my AS.

xx

It is stimming, and most people are doing it to some extent, aspies or not.

You are so cute in this post. You said you don't stim and then listed a list of stims that you do.

Lol "What happened to his ears?" "He... had an accident as a child... with a mechanical rice picker." Love that episode.

Most every time I try and think about the ways I am not autistic I end up finding more ways that I am.