"The Look"

Post Reply New Topic

Yes, this is what I do. But I come from a very passive-aggressive, "behind-your-back" society, so nobody ever responds. It just makes the atmosphere more awkward.

I think you may have described it spot-on. You described it pretty well.

And like someone said here before, it makes you realize that even though you've worked SO HARD to change, you couldn't change ENOUGH.

I appreciate your bravery, but I can barely look at someone's face.

That sucks.

Seems like NTs would have learned that social rule that it's not nice to share private jokes in front of people who aren't in on them because it makes people paranoid. Especially if there's only 3 of you and you are the only one not laughing. I realize the first reaction is to feel singled out and embarrassed and paranoid. But why leave it there and not take it to "Man these people are rude and awkward. I'm autistic and even I know not to act like that."

"I'm autistic. What's your excuse?"

Well-said, both of you.

This is great to read only because now I know I'm not the only one getting "the Look".

I've always called it the "weirdo look"...when you say something that was apparently
too direct, too honest, over the top, over their head, or humorous only in your own mind,
and they lift their eyebrows, dart their eyes and say "oookaayy..."

With friends and family, I usually call them on it and say "Don't give me that look. What's wrong with what I said?"
But with co-workers and people I don't know very well, I usually take it as a sign that
they don't get me or maybe I did say something bizarre; then I just keep my mouth shut.

In fact, now that I think about it, I'm usually a very quiet person at work or with people I don't
know well, but I wasn't always that way. I'm pretty sure it was "getting the Look" enough times that taught
me to just shut up until I knew it was safe to talk naturally around a person.

Hah. I tend to think that way actually. But it's so freaking common that I start to wonder if being a jerk like that is just the norm - or a coping mechanism NTs feel the benefits of are worse than the negatives.

Nobody covets my friendship. Nobody feels they have to work for it or that upsetting or alienating me will have any negative consequences to their reputation or social life because I'm not an "in" person. That's basically it - they only feel the need to uphold the "polite" behaviour when they are concerned their reputation would be ruined if they were rude in front of the wrong person. They have no desire/incentive to not alienate me as I am not an influential person.

I think that's why people have no issue with being rude or a bully to autistic people, because everyone knows they are low status so them disliking you has absolutely zero impact on your reputation. So they can get away with doing whatever the heck they want, whatever the heck feels good for them.

Interesting, because my experiences are identical, and I am in the process of "learning" to be quiet around people I'm not friends with. I'm naturally bubbly, outgoing, and talkative, but am slowly becoming self-conscious and introverted as I am starting to gain awareness of people's disapproval of me.

Yes, I've experienced this all my life too, and I relate to the comments about how it sucks to have just enough awareness to know people are laughing at you or think you're strange, but not enough to know where you went wrong in their eyes.

That's behavior I picked up as a young child and honed throughout my life. I generally don't say anything around new people until spoken to and am very timid even then. It takes me a long time to warm up to unfamiliar people (and understand them), but when I do I can't keep my mouth shut-- aspie power-style.

Yes, I think that's spot on. I'm sure they don't actually think those words, let alone say them, but that is what they're silently communicating.

I know what you mean, aspieMD. Fortunately this hasn't happened to me for quite some time now, but I still remember how much it used to hurt. It's not just that it's cruel, but it's so needlessly cruel. They usually don't realise how much pain they're causing, though, and sadly, there is probably no way to make them realise it. However, I still think there's a benefit to challenging them when they do it. It might not stop them from thinking you're weird, but it might make them think twice about expressing it.

When I don't feel like confronting them overtly the other thing I do is refuse to act embarrassed and just carry on as normal, but still give them a certain look in response. This is they know I'm aware of what they think, but don't agree with it. This might make them second-guess themselves a bit: "hmm, the guy knows I think he's weird, so he's not totally oblivious, yet he doesn't that he did anything wrong - maybe there was some reason for it, after all?"

i think the worst thing about it is not them thinking what you've done/said is odd, but the way they express that. one of my biggest pet peeves is people who talk about you while you're in front of them as if you're too stupid/oblivious to know you are the one being talked about. it's insulting, it's demeaning, and it's just plain f*****g stupid because if they bothered to really take stock of you, they would know that you are indeed aware of your surroundings.

as one poster noted, we are in a dysfunctional "stuck-between" states of awareness: aware enough to know we have deviated from convention somehow, but not aware of how until after the fact, if indeed ever. but i posit that the NTs in this kind of situation are also in a stuck-between state: aware enough to know that we are high functioning enough to normally be expected to avoid such social gaffes, but somehow not aware enough to know that such a high-functioning person should still be dealt with as an equal and not an object of ridicule.

so this all makes it true that the energy expended in trying to problem solve with people clearly not being logical or fair is wasted, not to mention the emotional stress. but then, you can never tell yourself how to FEEL, not really. an upset person is an upset person. it's more or less all damage control, trying not to let your emotions lay waste to you or get out of hand. and if you're really feeling up to it, trying to keep a little bit of empathy for the NTs in mind. yes, they're wrong, and i don't condone that kind of rude, sh***y behavior. but i also know i'm not perfect and it is hard to avoid those modes of social exclusivity.

My response to this:

"What?"

No matter their resonpose:
"f**k you."

Fairly effective in discouraging future behavior like that.

I feel you there man, I really do. I always think that the "look" others give is somehow taunting. I sometimes tend to think that People will say things behind my back when they give that expression. or thinking how strange I'm, and walk away. That "look" discourages someone like me to ever want to have another outside communication ever again. I say to just ask any NT that gives you that "Look", "what is the issue?" maybe it'll get them out of that expression with some well needed answers.