punish or accommodate autistic kid for mealtime behaviour?

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My Misophonia started with eating sounds. It's torture to have to endure sitting at the table with someone who makes your trigger sounds. And having to look at the person makes it worse. If it is Misophonia, he won't be able to block it out no matter how hard he tries.

Whatever you do to a child, universalize it and apply it to a wife or husband. Whenever your wife is disobedient, use a correction technique, spank her or give her a time out. If this is inappropriate in a relationship with your wife and could get you incarcerated multiply it by 1000 and you get the degree of inmorality towards a helpless and 100% dependend child. Due to the involuntary nature of the relationship and the biggest power disparity on earth - you have chosen your child, not the other way arround - the moral standard has to be the highest possible. Don't even think about mutilating a baby boy.

Don't manipulate your child the way you want it and what you perceive as right behaviour, because he is not there to please you. Start reasoning and negotiating. If the little bugger don't want to eat with people, fine. It is good to know, that he has a choice in the matter, to adjust or to opt out.

Make a new rule of "no boxes on the table". Don't punish if it's broken, just keep removing the boxes and put them back in the cupboard. Say "no boxes on the table", put them away, repeat as necessary. It will probably be necessary for a month or more but will eventually become accepted as a rule.

I am suspecting the problem is more visual combined with sibling rivalry than misophonia since boxes on the table don't block sound. Why is it not a problem in restaurants? There may be a lot of visual distractions that make it easier to not focus on her. Or the boxes may have become part of his routine and therefore don't apply at a restaurant since eating at restaurants comes with a different set of rules. Keeping boxes off the table will be an unwelcome break in routine initially but if kept up (but without punishment to prevent escalation) that can become the new routine.

Without the boxes he will have to earn to re-direct his eyes. Preferably he will stare at his food. He may start bringing a distractor to the table (smart phone, toy book). A smart phone or other gadget at the table is still rude but less so than a box barricade. It is also becoming increasingly socially accept.ble so it might be the lesser of two evils,

If it is Misophonia you would be noticing other behaviors developing as well. He would be most likely mimicking a sound or cringing or looking tortured. As well as having Misophonia, I also can't tolerate looking at people eat if they talk with their mouths full or if they mix certain foods together on the plate. That makes me physically sick. I have learned to look away though.

I agree he should change his behavior. He has to learn how to live in society and the earlier the better for him. Being offensive to other people cannot be accepted.
However, I don't think you should punish him like that. I don't know him personally to give a good advice but many autistics are sensitive and sensitive to punishment. Instead assert the rules are no cereal boxes on table, no blocking views etc and explain him why (it is offensive and such); if you think it will reinforce the rules write it down and put it on the wall. Then when you are eating do not let him block her view. It is very important you are coeherent with that, DO NOT let him break the rules. If he does, calmly take the cereal box away and repeat the rules. In the beginning he will go mad but after a while if you do not let him get away with it he will realize he has to obey.

I agree he should change his behavior. He has to learn how to live in society and the earlier the better for him. Being offensive to other people cannot be accepted.
However, I don't think you should punish him like that. I don't know him personally to give a good advice but many autistics are sensitive and sensitive to punishment (as CockneyRebel has explained). Instead assert the rules are no cereal boxes on table, no blocking views etc and explain him why (it is offensive and such); if you think it will reinforce the rules write it down and put it on the wall. Then when you are eating do not let him block her view. It is very important you are coeherent with that, DO NOT let him break the rules. If he does, calmly take the cereal box away and repeat the rules. In the beginning he will go mad but after a while if you do not let him get away with it he will realize he has to obey.
Oh, now I realize my advice was exactly like Janissy

Separate 'needs' from 'wants'
What need is your child trying to fulfil in this situation?
How can you take care of/meet those needs?
How can you meet your families needs?

Fairness is a concept that we can choose to create in our small units. Teach him about fair compromise through negotiation and by default how to meet needs in a healthy way.

I'm more a fan of reasoning with bad behaviors and rewarding good ones (over the age of about 5 anyway-- after they're conversationally fluent in their native tongue I only spank kids for repeated, extreme, willful defiance). It takes longer to get obedient kids that way, but I think (so far) that they're more likely to be deliberate and conscious in their obedience and to continue to be obedient when you're not watching.

Autistic kids (on the Aspie end, anyway, which is all I can speak for) tend to be so cognitive anyway that I think it's the better approach. Punishment tends to entrench the behavior, and make reasoning harder. In my (completely non-professional and possibly invalid) opinion.

I have, of course, often been accused of being too soft and a lackadaisical parent.

Now for a hard turn to the hard-ass.

It is the AS kid's home; it is his safe place and the place where he ought to get the most accommodation. It is also the NT kid's home, and the place where she ought to get the most accommodation. And the AS kid is going to need more time and more training to be able to do the things he must do to function in a world that, most of the time, won't accommodate much at all.

So, if it were me, I probably wouldn't allow the box barrier, whether it's misophonia, or a strong desire for privacy, or just poke-the-sibling kidshit. AS kid must sit at the table, without the barrier, and cope in a manner that is acceptable to the rest of the family. NT kid must chew quietly, use utensils, and likewise refrain from sibling poking during meals.

Example: I had tactile issues as a kid, and on top of that I was really (I mean like suspected-an-eating-disorder really) skinny. I could not sit properly on a hard chair. It was EXCRUCIATING. In school, I learned quickly to either discreetly tuck a foot under me or put a workbook on my chair and sit on that. At home, though, I had a bad habit of sitting with my knees tucked under my chin (put the pressure on my lower back instead of my bony bottom). It drove Grandpa batshit; Grandma made him put up with it because it was the only way I would sit at the table and eat.

Eventually I more or less outgrew it (though I note that dinner is more pleasant and enjoyable if we eat on the couch, and I'm counting the months until all my kids eat neatly enough for seat cushions (and thinking about getting brave enough to try to sew vinyl), and I scan thrift stores and the classifies for / really wish we could afford $300 apiece for six microfiber or leather chairs that would wipe clean, and I still tend to sit on a foot).

It wasn't defiance, and it wasn't (just) crappy manners. There was a functional issue-- sitting flat on my bottom HURT. Hurt, hurt, HURT. Badly enough to distract me to the point of the exclusion of everything else. To the point of tears, in fact. It's still uncomfortable, but I fidget and sit on a foot and wolf my food and get up frequently (it's excusable when you're the mom of small kids with homework to do and floors to mop and napkins to fetch and dishes to wash and and and and) and cope.

My dad didn't have that problem with me: We ate in fast-food restaurants with contoured booth seats (had to be a booth-- to this day I prefer booths and will only be seated at a table if I'm eating with someone who's too fat to fit in a booth or a big enough booth just isn't available) on Saturday evenings; on Sunday morning we ate at home, but his kitchen chairs were padded. Once we were living together full time, we gave up on the kitchen table and ate in the living room (say whatever you want about manners-- the man got up at 4 am, got home from work between 6 and 7 in the evening, cooked dinner, and went to bed between 9 and 10; if he was going to get to enjoy a TV program and his lazy-boy, it was going to be during dinner time, and we had some really great conversations over Hogan's Heroes, M*A*S*H, stand-up comedy, and Crossfire on CNN).

The upshot of this is that I think, in hindsight, we all would have been better off if G and G had gotten a seat cushion and made me keep my knees below the level of the table.

In short, I don't think I'd tolerate the box screen, but I don't think I'd punish him either. Explain why he can't have it, brainstorm acceptable ways to cope with whatever might be eating him, and reward him (both of them, actually) for using the acceptable behaviors. Praise, BTW, is also a reward. Incidentally, I'd only do that at proper meal times-- consider letting them eat snacks separately-- either staggered, or away from the table.

And NO. DO NOT stop eating meals as a family and take up letting the kids eat in their rooms. NO.

The farthest I would go toward that is taking up eating in the living room, with the kids at opposite ends of the seating arrangement. That might help if it's misophonia or proximity defensiveness. Come to think of it, putting something like classical or modern instrumentals, or nature sounds, or mutually acceptable music with lyrics might help at table too, at least if it's misophonia causing the issue.

And if I did the living room thing, I would either demand that the TV be turned off, or at minimum absolutely require that parents choose the viewing, that nobody complain about it, and that it be either ignored in favor of conversation or discussed over the meal.

Because I did learn a lot about history and psychology and human interactions and reel vs. real discussing Hogan's Heroes and M*A*S*H, and I did learn a lot about social problems and economics and political and economic systems and how to have a civil debate over Crossfire, and we have a lot of fun and actually discuss a fair bit about psychology and culture and history and evolution and religion and all kinds of stuff over Naruto or Ratatouille or The Croods or Frozen (but some things, like totally vapid viewing, or the news when it's a particularly violent or nasty news cycle, or stuff that annoys one or more family members witless is absolutely banned for viewing at dinner time).

But-- BIG NO on isolating. And that includes isolating by having everyone in the same place and consistently a million miles away at the same time.

If it is misophonia, you can't change it.

Trying to change his behavior is then the equivalent of pushing a paraplegic to walk. Don't be too absolute about this stuff until you actually know, because taking some of this advice if you have it wrong amounts to being abusive to no purpose.

Dealing with Misophonia is not a joke, and your son not learning to cope will cripple his relationships.

I almost divorced my husband over his severe Misophonia. He would make a little fortress with newpapers, cereal boxes, magazines and crank up the Tee Vee or radio so loud you couldn't have a dinner conversation.

His family let him to this to keep peace at the dinner table. They never explored the reasons for it.

I finally lost it one night, and screamed, "What the hell is wrong with you? Do you want me to leave?".

He was shocked. Told me I ate like a pig. I called BS on that one.

Then it all came tumbling out. He has horrible sensory issues with anything to do with eating. He hates the sound of anyone eating. He hates the sound of himself eating. He hates most food smells, textures and sounds. At work he hid out in a spare room to eat because he is clumsy with utensils. I could eat watching an autopsy being performed. Any talk about the most benign bodily (like my nose is running today), his whole plate of food would hit the trash.

Told him he was a 45 year old man. Get help or I'm out. I was serious. Not being able to eat with out all that scaffolding, had seriously ruined friendships. It made me feel like a disgusting sub human. Meal sharing is a big deal in any relationship. If my own husband won't even look at me during a meal, what the hell is wrong with me?

My husband received therapy, and it is much better. I'm careful about his triggers, but the days of the magazine/cereal box fortresses are over.

Your daughter can't aggravate him, but you are doing no favors by letting him just slide like this is a non issue. The parenting board might have more suggestions on how to help your son.

I was thinking misophonia or sensory issues, too. I don't want to take sides here (On the one hand, I totally get having sensory issues at mealtimes, and on the other hand, I would feel hurt if someone went out of their way to ignore me during a time when we were supposed to enjoy each other's company) but misophonia or sensory issues could be contributing to the behavior.

We've had a breakthrough of sorts, and WrongPlanet is responsible in a VERY direct way.

I was talking with my son about the problems that his box barricade at the table are causing and pointed out that he never has a problem eating at a restaurant. When I told him I notice him smile when his sister gets upset about the boxes and that I think that the only reason he continues with the boxes is because he knows it bothers his sister, he as much as admitted it through his expressions.

This confirms my suspicion that my son sometimes uses his autism as an excuse to annoy people. I truly believe that the whole box barricade thing began because he had a genuine problem coping at the table. Over time, however, he outgrew that issue but kept the boxes because he knew they bothered his sister. The fact that the boxes were originally a general barrier but slowly evolved into a focused wall with his sister (with him pointedly moving the boxes to block his sister) was a give away.

I then told him I was getting some great ideas from a web site and let him read this whole thread.

This caused a MAJOR tantrum. He was hopping mad and told me he was upset that people were talking about HIM and that his problems were public on the Internet. He went to his room, sobbing, and stayed there for a while.

Now here is the really interesting thing: he came back down for breakfast about 10 minutes later with a frown on his face. He then sat at the table and ate his breakfast in silence WITHOUT any boxes!! ! Not one word was spoken while the family ate breakfast, but we made it through the meal without any further problems (or boxes).

I am crossing my fingers that we can now get through supper together without the boxes or tantrums. That will really be something.

Here is another thing to consider. Maybe the very thing that bothers him is something he may not want to talk about because it might be embarrassing. Plus, he may see you telling him to move the cereal box as an act of picking on him. CIP: When I was in elementary school, we had to sit in class for up to 2 hours at a time and because of the stress caused by this. I had to ask the teacher if I could go to the restroom. I never really had to go but I needed to leave that room for a dark and private space so I could relax and have a stem fit. I could never tell the teacher what I was really doing in the bathroom because they would never understand what I was doing and the fact I was embarrassed about doing it in the first place.

I guess my post above came 18 minutes too late. Never mind then.

I'm glad there is an improvement in your familys social dining experience.

^This reminds me of being pre teen and chubby, my mum got me to stand on a weighing scales in front of my extended family at a gathering, while they all commented on how overweight I was.

When I asked her about it, she said it was to help me lose weight. I didn't like her for a while after that