Question for those of you who are married/living with SO.
31 Jul 2014, 3:14 pm
My mom is the same about alone time. But she doesn't need to be alone by herself in the room, she just wants quiet time, no talking and this happens when she has been working hard or been out all day long. Even introverts are the same way. Thy also need to recharge after being around people for too long. I suspect she is introverted. I can't work out the difference between ASD and none ASD for this. Maybe it's tied to it because it's more common in us?
Now onto me. I don't mind being around my husband in the room or with my kids. I love having mine around. I like alone time too. My husband is the same way and he doesn't like anyone in the room with him. That is what makes us great together. None of us have a problem with being alone. For my husband it's because he doesn't like to be seen in pain. For me, I like quiet time and I just get anxious sometimes so it's nice to be away from the noise. Plus with anyone around, I have to watch my body so I am not stimming and I don't like doing it around people. When I am alone, I can relax and be my "true self." My boyfriend who was an aspie, which is ironic, always wanted me around and it drove me crazy and I felt smothered and felt like I was suffering. I need my alone time to keep my sanity. I am sure everyone needs alone time. My parents are not together 24/7 because I see them do their own thing, mom working outside while dad is in the house doing his work or watching a game on TV. I just felt my ex was very needy because he made me out to be a selfish person for wanting to be alone or not always wanting to be with him. When I say alone, I mean do my own thing, not do what he wants to do. Like if I want to go to bed, I want o go to bed, not stay up with him. If he is watching what I don't like, I like to do what I like such as doing my computer or playing my game. He was someone who always wanted his partner around and for me it was too much. So with my husband we are perfect together because he needs his alone time and I like my alone time. I don't expect him to do what I want to do and he doesn't expect that from me either. We have been in the same room together doing our own thing. Then he moved into the bedroom because he got tired of hearing about my obsessions and seeing me stim and he wasn't going to tell me to stop so he packed up his computer and moved it and started playing in there. That is another reason why he likes to be alone and he also doesn't like my shows. He couldn't stand Dr. Phil so he made me start recording them upstairs on TIVO. But the other shows he tolerates. My mom thought moving him down to the basement and some of our son's stuff and our TV and video games would make us be together more but no, I watch TV less now and I don't go down there at all much nor our child.
I can't imagine not wanting to be around my kids so I can't relate to anyone who wants to be alone without their children. Just as long as he isn't all hyper and screaming and bothering me, I am fine or I remove him or myself from the room. I also put him in his room too and tell him it's his screaming zone or jumping zone and whatever he was doing I didn't like and tell him he can come out when he is done. It bothers my parents too so at least I know I am not alone and there isn't anything wrong with me. Perhaps you and your future husband can make plans for when to be together. If you ever have children, plan when you want to spend some time with them and what I mean by that is play with them or read to them or do an activity with them than just having them in the room with you and they are doing their thing and you are doing yours.
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Son: Diagnosed w/anxiety and ADHD. Also academic delayed and ASD lv 1.
Daughter: NT, no diagnoses. Possibly OCD. Is very private about herself.
31 Jul 2014, 9:38 pm
I've had a boyfriend since 3.5 years back now. He is, as far as I know, NT and has no mental illnesses. I love him but we've had our ups and downs, like all people in a relationship. The thing that has been the toughest for us has been the fact that I need a lot of time to be by myself. If I don't get to be alone, I become really depressed, annoyed, tired and I feel like I'm going to panic. Like I'm getting smothered somehow. My boyfriend, on the other hand, is more social and he needs more attention than I do. He doesn't need it all the time but needs to see me more often than I need to see him. It's been difficult, especially since I deal with anxiety and depression even when I am by myself. There has been times when it's almost been too tough for my boyfriend to handle my mental illnesses etc. However, he says that he has changed a bit in that regard over the past half a year or so. He says he's more considerate and that he understands that I frequently need to be alone and that I'm not just being boring/rude.
Anyway, we've been talking about getting married. He really wants to get married and I'd like it too, but I'm really worried about a few things. The main thing I'm worried about is living with someone all the time. I worry that I won't get time to be by myself (as in being in a room all alone, with the door closed, not speaking to anyone but myself). It really scares me to be honest. Being by myself is vital to me and I'd be absolutely miserable if that wasn't possible anymore. My boyfriend says he understands that I need to be by myself but I suspect I'd feel bad about it and if I feel bad about it, it'll be difficult to relax (more difficult that it already is).
So, what I'm wondering is how to deal with all of that? How do you possibly marry someone and live with them and also get time to be by yourself? How do you balance alone time with time you spend with your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever?
I am married and spend time alone at home a lot with him in the other room. He is always on his computer and me the tv. We spend time together when we feel like it. He likes to be alone a lot and I have always known that. I like to be alone sometimes when I am tired at the end of the day. I have married friends who are the same and have their own rooms 'offices' to be alone in. I think it just needs to be discussed before you get married.
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Married to a undiagnosed Aspie and have 2 kids on the spectrum.
