Awareness of your Aspergers

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Maybe the insight would help him. However, if you introduce it with the intention of changing him or 'improving' or 'normalizing' him, then I could not imagine anyone would welcome the info.

A friend first introduced the idea to me that I was kind of aspie-- initially I laughed and brushed it off as her ridiculous skewed personal judgment. I interpreted this comment through her emotional neediness. However, when I was in a crisis later, and was ready to understand what this really meant, I started reading as much as I could find and got really excited about understanding it. My point is that depending on your dynamic, he is more likely to be open to your telling him this if he knows you are telling him out of deep care for HIM and not to benefit yourself.

However, if you are thinking of starting a family together, it's important to be honest and to discuss all these core issues which can become bigger conflicts as time goes on. I would urge you to accept his limitations, and for you two to figure out a way to accept what you each can bring to the relationship, but not to blame each other for what you cannot each reasonably bring to it.

It does seem like you must see some of the aspie traits as positive, otherwise you might not be with him. So maybe you can make sure he understands you see both the positive and challenging together ...? If telling him this helps you build a stronger and more realistic relationship together, than it will absolutely be worthwhile.

I know, i just found your comment about your wife 'funny' in some way.

i'm now 60. i first heard of asperger's and said, "ah hah" around 15 yr ago, was diagnosed about 3 years ago. in some ways it's been worse knowing; i hadn't really investigated about it until then, didn't know that there wasn't a pill, weren't any real therapies.

before i was diagnosed i could hold hope in the chance that i was pinocchio, and could someday become a real boy. losing hope can be rough.

As you have read reactions will vary greatly depending on the person.

The main question to ask is his life inhibited being by his condition.? Obviously he is in a relationship.

If you do tell him the very subtle approach advocated by some here may not work as he may not pick up the message you are sending.

Either way do the common sense things, routines, no surprises. Keep him way from things that could cause sensory overload such as florescent lighting. As little multitasking as possible,information given in small "chunks" instead of all at once.

Still sitting on the fence. Honestly, now in even more frightened about saying something. Fence sitting is a pain in the arse!

I realize he may go through the stages of grief with this. I know intellectually that keeping oneself in the dark, especially with regards to one's own life curcumstances, cannot be a good thing....

Yeah, I'm pretty awesome

Awwww.. he might be "traumatized" if he learns the truth that he is an aspie!

Awwwww...

Poooor baby!

I'll tell you what "trauma" is.

Trauma is finding out in highschool that you have diabetes, and that for the rest of your life you're gonna have to stick needles into your arm to live.

THAT'S trauma.

Thats what happen to my sister. She survived the news. AND survives the condition itsself pretty well to this day.

When I was in my Fifties I was dxd with aspergers. The only "trauma" about it was "why didnt someone tell me this decades ago?".

I'm sorry folks, but I don't see the need for kit gloves on this issue. Im not saying that one chronic condition (diabetes) is worse than another (aspergers), but that not knowing is always worse than knowing. And further - if he really is an aspie- then he has already been pretempered for the news because a real aspie wouldve been already traumatized by being dumped on all his life for being odd anyway. So if the news traumatized him now-then his aspergers is the LEAST of his problems!

But thats just my pov.

When my aunt told me I have ADD in my 20's I kind of denied it (she also gave me books). She was working on her Masters in mental health social work at the time. I said, "how can I have that? I did so well in school."

I did read the books and let it sink in. You see, there are six types of ADD and I have type 3-hyperfocused. I also worked on some of my obnoxious traits, like interrupting others. It's a struggle, because I get stuck in hyper focus mode and loose track of other things. My emotions are hard to deal with too, lots of anxiety.

I do know what it's like to get a bad diagnosis and go through the stages of grief myself. I am a cancer survivor, yet am fortunate that it ended up being curable....

One thing that struck me as interesting from all you wonderful people is that no one questioned my opinion about this man's AS. At this point I, myself, am quite certain. The small chance that it's not AS, then it would have to be something similar, like PDD-nos.

Honestly, at first I thought he was just a jerk. Sorry to put it so bluntly. And that he was just not that into me. In time, I realized that this wasn't true. He was into me, but didn't realize how to show it properly :/

I'm glad your cancer was curable.

My mother had breast cancer in 1986, had surgery, then was cured.

I didn't question it--because the way you described him is the way many others have described Aspie "significant others."

Good advice.


Just curious, how do you know that what you observe are not symptomatic of something else, such as a personality disorder (as the behavioral symptoms are quite similar)? Do you have evidence from your significant other's early childhood?

Truth be told I am not in this field, so I hesitate labeling anyone, which is what I told him. He admits communication is very difficult for him, he admits that he 'hates being spontaneous', he admits to being over sensitive to certain sersory stimuli, he won't talk on the phone, is clumsy, obsessions, I could go on.

What struck me most was the way he communicates. It is so different from anyone I've ever known personally. I don't think communication deficits are symptomatic of a personality disorder. Withholding, maybe... But the ability would remain. He is clearly trying, and it is difficult for him.

Me neither.


Is he interested in understanding himself better? Is he seeking a label?


What does ?communication is very difficult for him? mean? Can you provide examples?

What do you guys think of me simply sending him a link to this site, with a simple explanation, like "check this out.." Or something like that?

To answer the first question, I'm not sure.

Well, as I mentioned, he hates talking on the phone. He will only text, and the messages are brief. He lacks 'theory of mind" so on occasion he will say something so cryptic, I have no idea what he's talking about; or he'll omit crucial information as if I should already know.

He will just ignore certain questions I ask, which I assume means he doesn't know how to answer them. He doesn't exit a conversation properly, for example saying 'talk to you later', instead just doesn't respond to my last message. He also doesn't understand that if he's going away for a few days, that's it's nice to tell the person that you care about, especially since he can't message me if he's out of wifi...

Often it's so subtle, that the more of a response or explanation would be expected, and all I get is 'ok'. Communication is way better with him in person.