Being shamed into not liking special interests

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Yes.

I've always loved and enjoyed fantasy worlds, dragons and unicorns and magic--a little bit of science fiction if there is an alien species/culture to explore. If it's all just robots, computers, spaceships and post-apocalypse human society, not so much

But mother, first husband and second husbands have all tried to shame/guilt me in to not reading so much about dragons and magic on religious grounds. You know: thou shalt not suffer a witch to live, and dragons being symbolic of the devil and the antiChrist in the Bible. I don't reject Christianity at all; I consider myself a Christian and there are times when I think Bible study and hymns are a bit of a special interest of mine.

But my mind really wants to explore the impossible, and the most fun and relaxing way to do that is reading fantasies. C. S. Lewis, J. R. R. Tolkien, J. K. Rowling and so many others--and these three at least have huge fanbases on the web that one can virtually hang with and discuss to a disgusting degree of detail (disgusting to NT's and ASD's with other special interests, anyway). I love projecting myself into these imaginary worlds and thinking about what it would be like and what I would do. It can keep me entertained, especially if I can write about it.

But husband #2 really doesn't like it. He used to just tease me about dragons and unicorns. Lately he's been pushing me to stop reading them altogether, to read only non-fiction like he does.

But even the non-fiction I like--mostly about animal biology, human anatomy, human psychology and animal behavior--he doesn't mind me reading about that, but he doesn't like me talking about it in his hearing much at all. The human anatomy grosses him out, the psychology and behavior he calls fuzzy and unprovable, and then he starts talking about everything that's wrong with the healthcare system. Doctors who don't know any treatments but to prescribe the pharmaceutical companies' favorite new drugs, hospitals who charge exorbitant amounts for basic supplies and services, and insurance companies who screw everybody for higher profits.

It takes all the joy out of it.

When it's hymns I'm focused on, he's all good with it. But I feel I need more than just the hymnals. When it's Bible study--it's nice for a while but then there's always something that he'll get defensive about. Because we neither one of us is perfect, and I tend to err on the side of judgmentalism and he tends to err on the side of love and grace and accepting and tolerating, any discussion we have can potentially turn ugly. And it always makes me feel bad afterwards. I'm not very good at agreeing to disagree.

I wish I could just go back to my unicorn and dragon books and disappear into Pern, or Arda, or Narnia or Diagon Alley. But he disapproves. And I want his approval so much sometimes I wonder if it's just plain unhealthy. . . .

I think most of my life my special interests have been ridiculed. I didn't realise that watching a movie over and over was a special interest - I've done that a lot - to the point of learning huge chunks of dialogue off by heart. But I think I have learnt to keep special interest secret - my main study has been the social, which I find utterly bewildering and therefore needs to be worked out. I've probably spent most of my life on this one. But other special interests can be quite socially acceptable - art and music - I don't like to discuss these things though as I find most people don't get the point - they don't understand the why - which is crucial. The more I think of it, the oppression of these interests is like another form of bullying which you have to deal with.

When I was Christian I got seriously into it. Read nearly the entire Bible. Certain parts I re-read a lot. Had no plan nor desire to base my beliefs on what ministers said. Rather find out for myself. Listened to a lot of Christian music. Remember just laying on the ground euphoric in worship. At one point I actually threw away most of our secular CDs. Seeing as how my mom owned most of those she did not like that. I also stayed away from much of secular movies. My family tricked me into seeing a movie they wanted me to see but I did not morally approve of.

I'd talk to people about God and The Bible on a nearly constantly level. Well, when I did talk of course, I stutter, but I felt like what I had to say was important so I tried. Sometimes I'd talk to complete strangers about God. At times people at school would sit by me with the intent to discuss God. That was nice. If they didn't talk to me though I'd often be reading the Bible... or singing Christian lyrics.

Church was everything. I was so happy there. People were usually very nice to me. Truthfully, it wasn't anyone else that stopped me being Christian, it was a change in beliefs. No longer being Christian felt like I was losing a family. I was.

I was shamed for lots of things during my life. I was shamed for stimming, but I was also shamed for 'stupid' interests and interests that are "too young" for me.

I was shamed for liking birds and being obsessed with them. Most people in my life thought birds were the lowliest scum of animals, horrible disease-carrying vermin with small brains. But they also thought it was wrong to be that interested in any animal.

When I was a teen, I still liked cartoons, and my siblings liked to pick on me about it, and my father would act angry about it like I should stop liking cartoons once I am a teen. And Star Trek- .. when I was a teen kids at school hated Star Trek. I liked it as a kid and kept liking it as a teen. At school Star Trek was considered the ultimate nerd show and back then nerds were despised and picked on. My sister loved to harass me about Star Trek, and any time she saw me watching it, she would start a huge nag fest and complain and make noise so that I couldn't hear anything, and try to have the TV changed to some other show.

I became interested in aircraft and flying, and people in my life said things like "that's not for girls" and "you're too incompetent to ever be a pilot". "It's for boys, It's for boys", blah blah.. and "You're not smart, or competent" This went on for years from some family members, to their death.

I never stopped liking any of those, even though they were ashamed of me, and hounded me to stop. Sometimes I pretended to be disinterested, but whenever I did, that was just for them to leave me alone and go find something else to do. Sometimes I would feel a 'sinking' feeling in my abdomen, or nausea while doing things people were ashamed of me doing, but I still kept liking them even though I sometimes felt that imposed dysphoria or something like that while doing.

Now my dad is disgusted with my obsession with Skyrim and has shamed me a little about it, but not as bad as the levels of shaming I received when I was younger.

My special interest is geometry -- specifically, polyhedra. Have people made fun of me, or tried to "shame me," for this? Yes, and sometimes, they still do. Did I care, and do I care now, about their disapproval? Not in the slightest. To paraphrase the physicist Richard Feynman: why should I care what other people think?

Here's what I've done with this special interest: reveled in it, without shame. I investigate polyhedra, and other aspects of geometry, purely for the fun of doing so, and post my discoveries on my blog, at www.robertlovespi.wordpress.com (along with occasional posts about a few other topics, Asperger's being among them). I've also learned how to turn this special interest into a career. I'm now a math teacher, and half my classes this year are geometry labs -- with polyhedra playing a prominent role in these labs, of course.

It helps to have an internal "switch" in my brain, which I can use to consciously control whether or not I care about what a given person thinks of me. It usually stays in the "off" position. There do exist a small number of people whose opinions matter to me, but that list of people is deliberately kept quite short. The writing and installation of that brain-software "switch" was deliberate, and done in childhood, long before I even heard of Asperger's. It is a defense mechanism I found necessary to create, both for surviving horrific abuse in childhood, and for preserving mental health in general, on an ongoing basis. This will continue as long as I live.

The human brain is a carbon-based computer, much more complex and versatile than any silicon-based computer. With practice, and effort, people can learn to rewrite their own brain-software, thereby consciously changing who they are, and how they think, in a manner of their own choosing. I usually do this "reprogramming" in my sleep, where I am free from external distractions. It's a technique I've spent decades developing, and then practicing, and the fact that I never doubted I could do it helped immensely. I use sleep-reprogramming for far more than just that one "switch" described above. I now use it to adapt to whatever life throws at me, on an "as needed" basis.

I am convinced that being an Aspie helped me, with this lifelong project . . . although I do not rule out the possibility that non-Aspies can do the same thing. It would not be right to call a non-Aspie who had done such a thing a "neurotypical," which is one of the reasons I don't use that term, but use the non-judgmental term "non-Aspie" in its place.

Consider Sam Harris, a neuroscientist, and one of my favorite authors. I have no reason to think he has Asperger's, or is anywhere on the autism spectrum, but his keen intellect, and amazing understanding of the human brain, would make it utterly ridiculous to call him a "neurotypical." No serious thinker deserves that label, and Aspies do not have a monopoly on the ability to think -- we simply think differently, which does not imply "better," nor "worse."

Eleanor Roosevelt, learning from long experience, said 'No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.' He may be a great guy (or not?), but he didn't understand you. That's not your fault, so so eff him.

Narrow interests is one of the things that makes autism so great. I am desolate when I am not consumed by one. Oh joy, when I am.