Can You Empathise...

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Could you empathize with a crushingly negative person? I'm curious.

I can actually understand and empathize with other people in my mind. I just suck at actually implementing a way to show it, so people think I have no empathy.

Maybe.

I have thought about this allot, I think that in social situations I use logical intelligence to try to work out peoples behaviours. Because my logic is flawless, but it is dealing with a problem that it is not designed for, I can forget people's feelings. Logical intelligence in AS is usually used for hobbies, mine is mineralogy, and crystals don’t have feelings.

But I am getting better at understanding feelings. Although it just takes me ages to figure them out. A few months ago a female friend stopped talking to me, and I had no idea why. I actually thought she was going mad. Anyway after a 4 weeks thinking about it I realised that I had upset her by telling her I was attracted to another girl and I wanted to date her. It took me a month to realise that I had made my friend feel too sad or jealous or what ever, to be friends with me.

If I asked an NT the reason for my friend leaving me, they would be able to tell me instantly, by instinct. It took me a month! We at least my AS allowed me to tell the truth rather then hide it, which could have been worse for my friend.

I do have difficulty with empathy. But I do try to.

I do feel as if I am obligated to try, so that I can make logical honorable decisions about thier situation or "position".

Sometimes to do so I have to go off on my own in a quiet place and try to imagine being in thier shoes, I will think and think and then often suddenly I see or feel where they are coming from, and then feel more that I can understand.

Sounds cold I guess but really it is not, I mean of course I have emotions and can feel sad and what-not, and I am not un caring as to others plight. I simply have to put effort into it, which I do to try to be able to do right and be able to comfort those I care about.

Also mentioned here was the "inappropriate laughter" yes I do that at times, cripes, is that awkward

Last edited by Jett on 08 Mar 2007, 10:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I’ve always considered myself an extremely empathetic person, in that I fully understand the concept of putting myself in another person’s shoes to understand their emotions. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I’ve been full of s**t because, even though I can actually play out a scenario in my head imagining how *I* would feel in the same situation, I often find that I STILL don’t understand when people don’t react the way I think they should. The thing I’ve been missing is not a LACK of empathy, but an inability to understand that not everyone thinks or experiences emotions the same way I do.

For example, a couple of years ago, my best friend and her husband were involved in a minor car accident where they actually ended up in the ditch. She called me from a gas station after the car was towed asking me to come pick them up – I could barely understand her because she was practically hyperventilating. I asked if they were okay (at the same time assuming they were since they weren’t in the hospital), and she said neither of them had been hurt. That’s good, I thought, and found myself wondering why she was crying so much if they weren’t hurt? Twenty minutes later I got to the gas station, and found that she hadn’t calmed down at all. Again, I found myself wondering why she would still be crying! The accident must have happened at least an hour ago, no one was hurt, sheesh, calm down already! I actually had the audacity to ask her what was wrong. She just started going on about how terrifying it was, how she thought she was going to die, how all that “life flashing before your eyes” stuff is garbage. I was truly bewildered – she was standing here before me, perfectly alive. Yes, the accident could have been worse BUT IT WASN’T. I couldn’t seem to understand why she wasn’t just getting over it. I had personally had a near-death experience of my own once – I’d almost been run down standing in a bus shelter, of all places, and distinctly remember having thought I was going to die. I could even empathize perfectly with the “life flashing before your eyes being garbage” part. But after MY experience, within a few moments of realizing that I wasn’t actually dead, I was perfectly fine. I didn’t cry at all. So why on earth was my friend crying about this? A very similar situation? A whole freaking hour later, nonetheless?

As time went on, I started noticing other people’s reactions when she told the story (“oh my God! That must have been so scary! How are you doing?”), and I truly wondered if there was something hideously wrong with me that I hadn’t been that sympathetic with her myself – or even why my own brush with death hadn’t affected me as strongly as hers did with her - or was it just that the rest of the world were a bunch of babies?

The way NT’s react to such things makes me believe that, no, they don’t process empathy the way we do at all. That’s just it – we process, calculate, and apply it where experience tells us that it is necessary, and as with all mechanical processes, sometimes it doesn’t quite jive. NT’s don’t seem to “process” at all.

I was'nt going to post my thoughts in this thread anymore because I felt like what I was writing and thinking about empathy made me sound like a cold kat, and I am not really. And I was thinking, well if I'm not why do I sound like one? Am I one? I do know a few people who think I am in the arena of empathy.

But then I was re-reading Erilyns post (especially the last paragraph or so) and it really resounded with me, I do not understand the reactions of people in the kind of situation/s she talked about, and would have reacted very much the same. I know the words "how dramatic is this?" (not in a "being an a**" way but really not getting it) would have crossed my mind.

When I think about empathy, of course it gets me thinking about all the different situations where a person is expected to express it, and my personal experiances with it.

Something smaller that happened recently I thought of is how my mate calls me on not displaying empathy about her having a cold. Actually tell me how her co-workers were like "Oh I'm sorry you have a cold" etc. with empathetic expressions.

I have told her that I seriously doubted they really felt anything at all but were being polite, and that I don't actually feel sad or sorry for someone who has a mild common rhino virus. (Not a wise thing to say btw, I would really recommend against expressing that to someone).

But I do feel hard pressed to believe they were actually washed with emotion when they learned she had a cold, but yes I do believe they probably acted as if they were.

On the other hand of course I personally hope she feels better, I do make her tea and do what not.

I guess my point is I don't believe that in this case I am lacking very much more empathy then anyone else. And like Erilyn said I believe we are processing it completely differently and then expressing honestly our conclusions and assessments about a situation and they cannot understand it. (and perhaps NT's are kidding themselves about how much actual empathy they are feeling as well).

I do "feel" something for other people when they are really sick, have lost a loved one... died etc albeit I may have to process it a while first and maybe it is not as strong as NT's.

But I also think my "expression" of empathy is very hard for NT's to get and they simply label me non-empathetic because they don't get it.

And also I very often wonder if they are just "faking" it, for lack of a better term.

I know what how another person feels and I act as not to discontent them but I really dont care what the hell there feelings are unless that would benefit me or they are of a selected few people. So in otherwords people say im very emphethetic but in my mind im not.

Exactly. I always think to myself "this situation really isn't all that bad", not because I'm being a heartless b*tch, but because I just generally feel that humans, as a whole, really tend to overdramatize things. They live in a constant state of fear, waiting for the sky to fall. If I'm a freak for not cowering under the nearest tree along with them, then so be it.

I DO feel emotions. I cry, feel anxious, share happiness, and feel bad when something terrible happens to people. But maybe I really don't feel those emotions quite as strongly or deeply as NT's do. Or maybe the NT's are the ones that are full of crap, lying to each other on a daily basis just to stay afloat in their little social game. I don't know. We are hard-wired to be truthful, so maybe part of that just means taking a realistic, practical approach to when and where to use our emotions.

I remember my time as a moderator on a spiritual forum and they had a prayers section and a healing section etc etc. And I soon came to realise that the NTs there just posted their generic sympathies from habit and to look good to others... like sheep following the pack. It sickened me as I could sense it was not actually honest...it was like, oh, may as well say something nice or I will look bad, sort of thing, and I could just tell. Each post was just 'I hope you feel better soon', or, 'I am sorry to hear that'. Carbon copies with little thought put into it. To me, those who take the time to give good and well thought out advice for improving situations are those who show the true empathy, not those who come out with throwaway, sickly sweet lines.

I remember, I once did a post about death and grief, and said that mourning someone is a very selfish thing to do as it is simply a reflection of your need for that person rather than a reflection of any respect or true value...afterall, the person, if a loved one, will not be up wherever, celebrating our misery down here... I then stated that true respect would be to celebrate their lives and the time you did have together and to make the most of your life and be relieved they are free of any suffering they had in life. Some didn't appreciate it and said how it is human to miss the hugs and the physicality of that person... I simply replied, that physicality was just a body, not who the person truly was lol.

I am convinced more and more that they really just may not be capable of understanding. I can easily see they are not as logical, and I believe in this aspect as honest as well about how they feel (even with themselves) and as you say it is somewhat like a social game... and yeah a lot of them I do believe are just full of crap on these issues... (ha ha).

And then they cling to the idea that we because don't react in the way they think of empathy that it is wrong... or we are emotionless, that is far from the truth.

Honestly I think NT's are the ones who are reacting in an empathetically incorrect manner.

Besides how would they like it if I went around criticising them for being what is IMO too empathetic and telling them there was something wrong with that, then I'll give them a nice weird look like they are nuts... lol. J/K but it might be funny.

I always wonder, did they realllllly light that candle they said they would???

I have gotten into trouble on that same subject (last paragraph in quote) expressing similar ideas, not to say that I would not feel very sad at losing a loved one, but I absolutely agree that a grieving certainly isn't an expression of sadness for the person that died, because we feel sorry for the deceased, but really for ourselves in losing them.

When we think of the relief of the persons worldly suffering and such it is not as sad as to sit and think about our own loss, or as selfish.

Although I know when certain people I am very close to all my life pass it will be more "difficult" not to think of myself and be selfish about the loss. Fortunately it will help to be aware that is what I'm doing.

Ok did I stop making sense yet? lol

I’ve always sort of felt that traditional grieving is rather selfish. They don’t grieve the person’s loss of life, they grieve their own loss of that person. They rarely talk about all the things the person didn’t get to do before they died unless they were very young. If a person has lead a happy life, then celebrate that life! If the person was suffering, then appreciate that their suffering is over.

Even in the case of young, tragic deaths, people grieve the loss of all their hopes and dreams for the person. But grieving a loss of “what could have been”, in my opinion, is akin to having my husband or best friend sit around and cry for me now because I know that I’ll never have a $10 million mansion. I don’t miss what I never had, and I don’t expect my friends to feel bad that I didn’t get it before I died. I mean, it’s natural to have hopes and dreams, but there’s no point living life continuously hoping for things that may never happen. You’ll just make yourself miserable. Maybe that’s why everyone is so damn miserable all the time as it is.

Make the best of every moment. This moment is all we have, and all we ever will have. No one can predict the future, and life certainly isn’t always fair. If I’m happy now, that’s good enough for me, and I want people to remember me that way. I don’t want them to be sad because I’m not alive to be happy tomorrow. If you can’t be happy that I was happy, well, that’s your problem!

ROTFLMBO!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !



It made perfect sense to me. We're totally on the same wavelength!

LOL I told my mate, in all seriousness in a similar discussion... when I die do not be sad and just know that I was happy, I have loved life with it's ups and downs and eccentricities...

But then I realized if I die she will remember that, and it will probably make her cry

Of course, when I die, I’d be honoured if someone actually missed me. But I want them to miss me for ME, not for what I did for them! I want HAPPY tears, not selfish tears.

LOL… and it just occurred to me…… there I go again, assuming everyone else should just feel the same way I do.

Intellectually, yes, definitely. But only after the event or when I read about it. I can intellectually reconstruct people's perception within reason, to deduct why they may have acted a certain way.

I do occasionally genuinely empathise, often when I read about people losing a pet or for example when the father of a former school friend died a few years ago. I got very upset thinking about the family that was left behind.

Like ZanneMarie though I freeze and get totally overwhelmed with emotional displays.