Feeling Different

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I became aware that I was different on the first day I started kindergarten.

I never understood why human animals should enjoy special rights on this planet. I enjoy being alive but don't feel at home amongst humans.

1. Repeatedly, in different contexts, other children did not want to play with me, and I had no idea why.
2. Started noticing that the things I was interested in were often very different from the interests of other children.
3. Preferred to observe, think, and learn about the world over interacting with others. Have never had any desire to fit in. Moved between several cultures while growing up, which provided a logical explanation for feeling different.
4. As a teenager I perceived the social behaviour of others as increasinly silly and impossible to understand, certainly not worthwhile emulating.
5. At school and university I would consistently come up with solutions to problems that teachers and peers would find unusual and unconventional.
6. Noticed significant double standards in human behaviour. Developed a deep distrust of all so-called established authorities.
7. Found decision making in organisations to be highly irrational, and applied and refined my own problem solving techniques rather than conforming to established standards.
8. Was so irritated by the faddishness of technology and management culture that I opted out of the corporate game.
9. Finally realised that my cognitive style is inaccessible to most people. Beyond not fitting in, I understood that no one will ever be able to fully understand my thoughts and feelings.

Jabberwocky, you said it like I would have liked to have said it

About some experiences I had that made me feel different:
- When I was like 4 years old I was playing with neighborer girl my age. I found a toy water sprinker and realized it feels nice when I use it to blow air on all parts of my body. I wanted to show the girl how nice it feels and blew some air on her. She escaped and told me to stop that. I couldn't understand why she doesn't find it pleasant.
- In pre-school I remember sitting outside the circle and watching other children play. I was trying to join but they were telling me to go away because I "can't play".
- In elementary school I liked to sit near entrance to basement although there was a rumor it is haunted and the area was dark. I preferred to risk that a ghost is going to attack me than the noise of school hall.
- Also in elementary school. There was a bomb alert so they let us go home. I was on my way to grandma apartment when I realized the apartment house basement is open. I was curious so I entered it, just to find a few alcoholics sitting there and talking. I was not scared. I started to listen to them and I didn't escape when they realized I am there and made me join the conversation. When I finally returned home and told my grandma what happened she scolded me for lacking common sense. I couldn't understand why - nothing bad happened, the men were friendly to me, we were just talking.
- Till middle school I was wearing some loose, totally unfashionable tracksuit pants and I refused to wear jeans or skirt. I changed my mind when a boy took off my pants(and undies ) in front of the whole class right before religion class(I couldn't understand how he could come to such idea, especially right before a class about morality). I started to wear only jeans since then. They are not so easy to take off.
- In middle school other girls told me I am supposed to use a bra. I couldn't understand why - I didn't have breasts. They explained me I should be ashamed for showing my body like that because boys could enter the room at any moment for prank. In the end I not only started to wear a bra but also started to change in a key-locked restroom cabin on other floor. I didn't want class boys to see me, not only my non-existent breast but also me not fully dressed. Whats funny I still had no problem showing my naked body to my male friend. He was 3 years younger than me and we often changed in front of each other when going to swimming pool.
- I was the only one listening to a history teacher in middle school. Apparently my class decided to make his life hard and were ignoring him all the time. The history class was a total chaos, worse than school hall during breaks. I couldn't understand why they break the rule and don't listen to the teacher although they listen to all other teachers. By the end of year the teacher gave up on teaching because he couldn't deal with my class.
- For some reason other kids(elementary/middle school) were scared of visiting the principal room. I couldn't understand whats their problem so I was just asking what they want from the principal, going there and passing the message. It wasn't hard at all.
- When my class was deciding to skip a class I was always the only one staying there. I couldn't force myself to go with them, that was against rules - I could have a problem then and I would have to explain and I couldn't explain because I had no logical reason to skip class.
- Once, when I finally decided to skip the class with them I went straight home. Next day I acknowledged they skipped one lesson, walked around neighborhood for 45 mins in group and returned to school for last lesson. I couldn't understand it and had no idea that was their plan although I remember they were looking weird at me when I told them I am going home.
- When I was 15 a classmate asked me if my parents do sex. I told her they do because I can hear them in other room. Then the girl asked me if I peek on them doing it. I said I don't. Then she told me that she would peek on her parents if she knew they are doing it. I couldn't understand why. It wasn't anything interesting. Parents do it because it's what married couples do but I had no interest in such things and considered it dirty and ugly. Why would I peek?

i once wondered whether i felt "different", and so i researched the stories of other people who felt "different", but i found i did not feel like them. maybe that meant i did not feel different at all.
"different to what?" was the remaining question.
do i feel different from everything else i have ever seen? i guess i do.

I think I've known I was different pretty much my whole life, but that feeling increased by a lot when I was around 12/13 and all of the other girls suddenly started acting differently, and became interested in different things. I remember in high school, the way everyone acted was so foreign to me, that I had to keep making mental notes about how to act and what to say in certain social situations. It was tiring.