My autistic brother is aggressive

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What should those who don't have a choice do? It is normal to fear people who punch people in the throat. It seems a lot of mental illness advocacy is about silencing or makng it socially unacceptable to point out people who's aggression puts others in danger. There should be no shame in saying this person punching others at random should be kept from society. What will our future be when those who are mindlessly aggressive have more rights than their victims?

Violet, I agree with you a lot.

I also agree with KimD, but I disagree with all the reasons she gave for his aggression. My brother is most aggressive towards people who he perceives as weak and towards the people that he's closest to. That means my mum gets attacked a lot because she's near him the most, and my little 6 year old sister is absolutely terrified of him because, as the smallest person in the house, he attacks her almost as much as my mum.

As his older sister, I care for him a lot but he hits me the least. When it's only me and him in the house he will rarely hit me regardless of what we do together. I could shower him, help him get dressed, make him food etc - and he'd stay calm throughout. If he gets angry he'd simply cry, I'd put him in the safe room, and then he'd come out when he finished crying.

When he hits me it's usually when my mum and my little sister are also around. It's like he gets into a "hitting mood" and then he hits anyone around him. But when we're outside with him he only attacks us, not strangers. If he's alone with the house with my mum, he'd still hit her. It's gotten to the point where my mum is terrified of him and she always calls me to help her when he needs to get dressed.

As for wanting to do things himself - we try to promote independence in him as much as possible, but it seems like he prefers other people to do things for him. He knows how to eat with a spoon if he's pushed to it, but whenever possible he'd grab someone's hand and motion for them to feed him instead. As for clothes, he simply doesn't want to wear them at all.

So I agree with Violet. I think that if someone is so abusive, he should be removed from vulnerable people in the house. At the same time I am scared for him and I know he would find it very difficult to be in a care home because he isn't used to it and the workers there would definitely not care for him as much as his family. That's not to mention that my mum would never consider it.

Personally I think that putting him in care should only be considered after everything else has been considered. That is, I would only consider putting him in care if meds didn't improve his aggression at all. I would need to convince my mum to do it though because I don't think she'd consider it on her own.

Edit: I'd like to mention that my mum very often seems to be the trigger to his aggressiveness. I don't know the reason for it, but I am a self diagnosed aspie and I also find it almost intolerable to be around my mum at times and I sometimes get intense anger when she's around (although I'd never hit her of course). I don't know the reason for it.

I sometimes look and seem agressive all the time while I'm actually not agressive, people think I'm angry because of seeming agressive and talking in an agressive way or something (I talk like that as a joke and being sarcastic) and I also hit people as sarcasm at the same time
But I only do it with my family or friends I've known for so long
I never took any medications

Don't you realise that hitting hurts other people though? Whether you mean it sarcastically or not.

No I never realise that but when I remember that some people might feel hurt I try to stop myself
Most of the time I act like that I do it without thinking, I just do it

Maybe your brother doesn't realize that. While it would not be OK for his parents to hit him, I think that's well within your role as a sister. Give him a good smack next time, maybe he will think twice about it.

Well, first of all, there's an awful lot of variables here...

Firstly, you're saying that he seems to be hitting people who HE considers "weak". This may be the reason you get irritated with your mother, as well. Does she not discipline any of her children? In my experience children like a certain amount of discipline because it makes boundaries. Also, in my experience, children like rules, so they don't have to figure something out----ESPECAILLY ASD children (even ASD adults).

Secondly, he might hit for different reasons at different times. You said, I think, that he laughs (or smiles) when he hits people, and that he hits his teachers and he LOVES them? Maybe he thinks he's being friendly, and / or, maybe he thinks it's his way of "loving" someone (showing affection). A hit is quick----you have physical contact, but not too much, and then it's "done"----whereas a hug can be EXCRUCIATING to some people.

I definitely think medication, for him, could improve ALL of your lives. What I recommend, quite often, is what "I" take: Hydroxyzine (Visteril or Atarax----I can't take Atarax because whatever additional thing they put in it, I'm allergic to). Hydroxyzine is very calming. It's for people who have insomnia, allergies, motion-sickness, etc. Now, the only side-effect, really, is that it can make you drowsy----but, only if you succumb to it. If you want to do an activity, you'll be fine----it's only when you're idle that you might be drowsy, and even that usually gets less over time (is transitory). Now, since you probably can't get a doctor's appointment before, say, Monday, go to Wal-Mart, or some such place, and buy Benedryl. Make sure to read the package to see which type a 10 y.o. should take. That should hold you until you see a doctor----it may even be cheaper than seeing a doctor and filling a prescription. (Also, if he's on any other medication, make sure to ask the Pharmacist. There's a couple of meds that don't "play well" with Benedryl, but I can't remember what they are, right now.) A quick fix that "I" use, is: Quite simply, a spoonful of sugar. Yeah, initially it made me hyper, but then it slammed me down, and calmed me. I know I'm 5 times his age, but I've been doin' the sugar "trick" my entire life.

Also, another thing to consider.... Is he currently on any medication? If he's on Ritalin, Concerta, Adderall----or, anything like that----you might think about getting him off it. Those drugs make me so angry, I could, TRULY, severely hurt someone!! !!

Also, he needs one of those talking devices, ASAP, imo.

Thanks for your advice, I'll look into hydroxizine. He's never been on any medication before because we try to avoid it as much as possible.

What do you mean by a talking device? I've never heard of anything like that. At school they're teaching him to use PECs

Edit: I'd also like to say that you're absolutely correct about the discipline thing. I have a lot of arguments with her because she gives none and refuses too. She believes kids should have "freedom".

Another edit: I don't think hitting has anything to do with the duration of the physical contact though. A lot of the time he can pull someone's hair without letting go f it for much longer than it would have taken him to hug, but he absolutely hates hugs.

Double Post...

Last edited by Campin_Cat on 16 Oct 2014, 8:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You're welcome!! I'd go get some Benedryl and give it to him over the weekend so you have two whole days to watch him all day long to see if it'll work for him----if you get really lucky, he could be an entirely new kid by the time he goes to school Monday.

Well, I don't know what the talking device is called----I tried to look it up, to give you a link, but I didn't have any luck finding it. I don't know what PECs are. I wish KingdomOfRats was around----she hasn't been around in a long time, though----she would be able to tell ya. What I was talking about is a machine where you type into it and it says what you typed.

As for the disciplining: Yeah, give children their freedom so they / you can figure-out what they want to be in life----like, if you dreamed of always being a concert pianist and couldn't for whatever reason, and you think if your child could be a concert pianist, it would be wonderful; but, maybe, your child doesn't have any interest in that, and wants to play soccer, then you shouldn't push piano on him----THAT'S freedom!! ! However, if you're lettin' your kids "rule" you cuz you think it's giving them freedom, it's NOT----it's HELL----ESPECIALLY for a "special" kid----you're doing them NO favors!! ! ALL people like rules to a certain extent. Rules tell them what they need to know, guides them, trains them, gives them boundaries, answers questions----the list goes on and on. As I said before, with us ASDers, it gives us that many less things that we have to figure-out on our own, and figuring-out stuff could take YEARS, and DOES!! Why not save us all that agony?? I've seen a TON of spoiled kids, and whomever spoiled them are doing them NO favors!! What happens when, God forbid, the parents die and the kids are left to figure-out stuff on their own? They end-up being incredibly disliked adults if they're lucky enough for their parents to live that long. NOBODY likes an undisciplined person. Also, some people tend to be soft on "special" kids, especially. I know a woman who is very strict on her son (I think he has Downs, if I remember correctly), and everybody LOVES that kid!! Conversely, I have seen (worked with) special kids that everybody HATES, cuz someone spoiled them to death and they think they're entitled, and they let everybody know it.

Well, as for your last comment: Hair's an entirely different texture than a fleshy part of someone. Even if he's not always touching skin when he hits, he's feeling someone's body----it's more "intimate" (I don't mean "sexual", I just mean he's closer to them). Pulling hair sounds like he's meaning to be mean, though----but he might want someone else to hurt cuz HE'S hurting (is frustrated); whereas, the hitting could be interpreted several ways----sometimes kids hit cuz they're angry or frustrated at THEMSELVES (him being non-verbal), and they don't know how else to express those emotions. (Another reason why your mother is doing him no favors----she isn't teaching him what he needs to know, to cope with so many things that life throws at everyone.) It's, IMO, the same way with bullies and "control freaks". My theory is: they can't control what's going-on on the INside so they control everything that's going-on on the OUTside----with bullies, sometimes, they might "beat" someone (literally or figuratively) into submission, therefore controlling them (I don't mean that they have no control over not hitting someone, I just mean that they get so angry and frustrated at THEMSELVES that they take it out on everybody, and every thing, else).

When he hits, does he slap or punch? Does he always touch skin, or will he hit someone on the back, for instance?

I'm not sure if we have any benedryl in England, but I do think my brother hits people just because he wants to hurt them. When I say "hit" I mean mostly "hurt". He never punches. He shoves, scratches, bites, and pulls hair. He started slapping recently too but pulling hair is his most favourite thing to do. Yesterday he pulled me by the hair towards him and tried to bite me in the face, but my mum stopped him.

Psot2 I know many people here will want to hear this, but if your brother continues this and your mom does nothing, you should consider calling whoever the British version of child protective services are. I know she's trying to stop him, but there is no reasn you should have to live around someone who hurts you and your siblings.

I found a founation called Childline that helps kids in the UK, their number is 0800 1111

Champin Cat: discipline, control, structure, yes! Yes! Yes! You put it all so very well.

PECS stands for ?picture exchange communication.? It can be really helpful for some people. Though it can be cumbersome when the person using it gains a larger vocabulary (because you use cards to represent words) it?s not as expensive or finicky as communication devices like iPads or gadgets that use pre-recorded messages. There's an official website, a certification program, and all sorts of copyrighted materials, but if you're just looking for functional communication (like nouns and verbs) for basic needs, it can be approximated pretty easily.

I?m sooo glad you found some meds that work for you; it can be really tricky, no matter what you?re trying to ?treat.? Everyone?s body is different. As for Benadryl, I can tell say that at least some of the parents I?ve known through the years will give a small dose of it to their child if they have trouble with getting their hair or nails cut! They swear by it.

KimD: Thankyou!! I also recommend it to everyone who has to fly and is afraid of flying!! Thanks for clarifying the PECs thing----I've totally heard of / seen that!!

psot2: Sorry about that----I assumed you all had Benedryl over there----ANY antihistamine will do. If you all have a favorite product that you like to take when you get a cold, for instance, get that----you all REALLY need a break, this weekend!! ((((cyber hugs, to you and yours))))

PSOT2: You and Cat are right?your mom?s getting picked on. She?ll have to change the way she handles things, and your brother?s teachers might be able to help. (Might?I don?t know them.) Since she?s letting your brother run wild and free--and has been for 10 years, I assume--she may find it hard to change or understand.

However, she DEFINITELY needs to set some well-thought-out rules?QUICKLY--and stick to them, as do you and the rest of the family. Keep them reasonable and practical, and let her know that it?s important to be IN control in a smart way, without going totally overboard about every single thing, just for the sake of being control-ING. IAs one of my best mentors always says, ?pick your battles.?

When you/she makes the changes, you all need to be prepared for him to rebel against them and know that while he may get the hang of at least some things, his aggression may get worse temporarily because he?ll likely be pissed?who wouldn?t be? Hang on and give him time to get the message and accept the new circumstances. Don?t falter.

Some people, when they see what I do, say that I must have phenomenal patience, but honestly, my patience is finite. However, I can be stubborn as hell and when I feel like screaming or giving up, I use that tenacity very deliberately when I need to be especially sturdy. If my co-workers and I aren?t on the same page, though, or if one of us ALWAYS rushes in when another?s having trouble, the kids with control issues will use that to their advantage. If we cave on a rule, resort to bribery, sound/look/act scared, wimpy, or desperate, or can?t seem to make up our minds, things only get worse.

Your brother will likely benefit from some self-calming techniques at some point, but for now, it might help him if you show him?when he?s already calm?how to touch someone gently, if he can tolerate a hand-over-hand sort of thing on family and himself (like on the arms). If his body never learns what different types of physical contact feel like, and he doesn?t know how to control those muscles when he?s not emotionally overwhelmed, then some of his hitting and hair-pulling may become totally automatic, if it?s not already, and harder to stop. I?ve used that sort of technique with a lot of high-energy and aggressive kids, and you might be amazed what it can do over time when you combine it with rational discipline. Like Campin Cat said, some kids hit even when they're trying to show affection, and when they learn how and when certain forms of touch are appropriate, it can work wonders as far as opening others? hearts to them. At the very least, he'll have an alternative IF he--and the other person--are okay with it.

Am I missing something here? Seems this is how this thread has going.

I need help my brother is hurting me!
Stop picking on my mom!

Why ask for help when you're going to get mad at those trying to help you?