you need to "get over it"

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Usually because they don't understand why something bothers you to begin with. They just don't comprehend it from your perspective at all. So they think you making a big deal out of nothing, or purposely "allowing" something to upset you that shouldn't. It doesn't bother them so they think you should just change your perspective to be like theirs and stop letting it bother you too.

And often when people say "get over it" what they really mean is, they want to be free to do what they choose to do without you getting upset. Sometimes it means they don't care if you actually feel upset, they just expect you to hide it or not say anything about it. They want to impose their choices on you regardless of how you feel about it. They don't want to change their own behavior so they expect you to change yours.



I agree.

I don't know if you're trying to be sarcastic or not, but what I've just quoted from you is unfortunately true - in order to achieve emotional maturity, a person must be able to mask his or her feelings from others as would a psychopath ... especially when those others obviously deserve to have the snot beaten out of them with a flaming ugly stick.

Passive Aggression and Revenge Served Cold are my two favorite tools for dealing with jerks, jackasses, and people who piss me off.

I observe the same pattern.
What it describes is a very one-sided, or one-way exchange of energy.
I recently heard patterns like this described as a linear flow, or lacking a feedback path.

"Revenge" would represent a needed feedback path to help bring equilibrium to the situation.
However, those parties forcing the one-way exchange are unlikely aware of what exactly they are doing, and would be unlikely to adjust their behaviors.

I would say that they are hosting self-serving memes that have evolved memetic defenses against other memes. The evidence of this is that if you punched them, they would just conclude that you are being unreasonable, and not consider your different perspective.
To truly consider the validity of different perspectives would represent a dire threat to the currently hosted memes. Psychology describes memes like this as schema.

I think that once a schema has been hosted for a while it integrates symbiotically with the brain's chemical reward system, so that if something were to disrupt the schema, the individual would experience an interrupted chemical reward, which they experience as discomfort.
That's what I think

My main assumption made is that every process has to have a significant (prevailing) driving force, and that self-sustaining processes require a feedback type of driving force which creates a type of symbiosis.

As a parent it would hurt me very much if my son didn't want affection from me. And even if I were able to recognise it was a sensory issue, I would stop doing it but it would still hurt. We want to show affection to our kids - some people are just huggers. I'm not a hugger, so I wouldn't have trouble not hugging - but I show affection by laying my hands on people (which I can see would drive many people on here to distraction!!) I'm NT, but I do have an area on the top of my head that I cannot stand to have anyone or anything touch me - it creeps me out and actually hurts (gives me a headache) - so I'd assume sensory issues are a bit like that?

Is there an alternative token of affection that would be ok to you - something that would help him feel less rejected but is a form of affection or touch that doesn't cause sensory issues for you. Even like a 'half hug' - e.g. grasping arm and touching shoulders? Something like that.

would it still hurt your feelings even if you knew it put the other person in distress? sorry if that sounds aggressive, i dont know how to word the question into a nicer sounding thing and for me, i guess i would say it is similar to your part of the head that you dont like touched, it can feel like that for me. all touch is like that for me though, unless it is my aunt and only because i feel 100% safe with her and for whatever reason have been very attached to her since i was a baby. so unfortunately for me there is really no 'ok' token of affection (unless you are my aunt)

in addition to hugging, yes he pats me on head or puts hands on shoulder, etc. still dont like that but i will most of the time allow it, although make faces or something when he does. it's not like i don't compromise, i do and i let him show me affection but i really hate it, it really makes me feel so uncomfortable. why does he want me to compromise even more when i already am meeting him halfway?

olympiadis and dianthus and others have given me things to think about, thanks for writing that stuff out you guys have good informative posts i have seen. also i apologize for grammar and whatnot, i have been posting more and so it is a bit difficult to construct sentences 'properly' or just get the ideas out there at all


i have voiced these concerns before, but for some reason only NOW is he responding to them. that part i dont understand as well. although now i am living full time with him (i used to live with my mom but would visit frequently since they got divorced, same city and all that) so maybe he just never listened before.

It will help if you can learn to tolerate it. The various forms of contact are common social exchanges and refusing will usually just start things off on a awkward foot. What your Dad doesn't realize is that that aversion, if an autistic person has it, is always going to be there. Compromise works well. My son is undiagnosed and doesn't know, but has never liked hugging. What has evolved unspoken is a kind of half-hug.

It'd be funny on Ren & Stimpy

Unit - yes it would still hurt me. Because I have a NEED to express affection to my son. Obviously I would try to understand, but it would still be something that I'm missing because the social animal part of my brain needs that. He's experiencing this as rejection - I'm not saying that's logical - but I'm saying that's how he's probably feeling. And rejection fires up neurons in the same part of his brain that he feels physical pain.

That's why I'm suggesting a compromise solution. It also probably really hurts him that you can express affection wtih you aunt but not with him. Clearly he should stop hugging you - I'm not saying you should have to tolerate discomfort or have your body space violated - but it might be helpful to cognitively try to see this from his perspective.

And - this is horrible - but maybe take a cue from ebola stricken lands. They can't/won't touch each other anymore but they are still humans with need for contact. Instead of shaking hands now they hold a fist over their hearts. It's symbolic hand shaking. Can you talk to your dad about a symbolic gesture of affection.

In the case of your father: he Means well, but as an NT, he can´t know how you feel. He thinks , it is emotional or can be trained away. Still, he knows, that your disorder is a biological thing, I suppose.
Write him a letter telling him, bit by bit, how it feels for you, physically - and give him a few links to articles or texts, that, according to you, explains it well.

Then you can Work on finding out how to tolerate it just a a bit, so you can get through life.
Hugging/touching is an unavoidable part of life and is meaningful as a sign of sympathy to most humans.

oh i see, that's a good way to explain it thank you. thinking about it from the scientific point of view makes it clearer for me. and that's a good idea i've never thought of that! symbolic gestures, i will look into it.

and that's also a good idea jensen, except i'm not sure he would read it or believe it (about it being biological i mean). he seems to think you can pray away any problem. maybe this is a factor as well i had not thought of. and i guess i will just have to 'suck it up' a little bit since it is so important to people. ah well.

I don't think anyone should have to tolerate things that are uncomfortable or painful just because they are important to other people.

But for your own sake it's good to be able to tolerate those things up to a point, because sometimes it may happen unexpectedly, or even unintentionally.

You don't have to "get over it" in the sense of giving up having your own preference though.

That is the crappiest excuse people give me.

FYI, I love hugs.

The thing is many people on the Autism Spectrum tolerate things that are uncomfortable or painful their whole lives. I heard PTSD is common for people on the spectrum as a consequence of living in a society that disregards their pain. So it's kind of a non-issue that no one should have to tolerate things that are uncomfortable or painful when it comes to the Autism Spectrum.

I don't think many of us know what it's like to live without constant hypervigilence. Especially in a world where for example if you scream in pain from a loud sound, others will just look at you like "What's WRONG with you?!" It's very isolating and upsetting knowing you cannot depend on others to empathize with your pain. I recently wrote another post about the noise from a repairman here, and was shocked at being responded to by others with Autism sending me the message I should've made my sound sensitivity more convenient to the repairman. I had a huge meltdown where I lost control and am told, "It's your fault that happened." Since it's so outrageous to just be warned before there is going to be loud noise?

The issue isn't we should not have to tolerate pain, it's who can we trust to ackowledge our pain is real and matters. It just takes one moment of having someone trigger you to remind you that you're not safe. Remembering all the times people treated your sensory issues like a toy, playing with them to watch you react. It takes a long time to feel safe again.

Whenever I've complained about something like that, I've found that suddenly all my extended family begins to do it also.
I don't like touching people at all. One day my parents decided to hold hands while we pray, especially before meals. I find it horrible. I complained a lot, but went through with it anyway. Then, at my grandparents they started holding hands for prayer when I was there. After that, the aunts and uncles.
Then, they required me to hug them more. They instituted a "one hug a day rule." I obliged, but with protest. Now, my grandparents and uncles and aunts require it.

If I don't follow the rules I will be thrown to the streets... So "get over it" to me is more of a threat than anything else.

^That is INCREDIBLY selfish of them.

Humans punish each other for perceived infractions of social norms.