Dog dying, parents think I'm horrid

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BirdinFlight, I completely respect and understand your point of view. I just know that I have felt and said very similar things about my own losses and those statements by no means whatsoever illustrated how I actually felt and how much I mourned. And people mourn so differently. I have seen people mourn at funerals and wondered why they were acting the way they were acting because their actions made no sense to me. But it did not mean that I felt nothing myself. My lack of understanding of their actions did not negate the hurt I was feeling. In fact, I am afraid of attending funerals because I know people will look at my surface actions and judge me accordingly not having any idea what is going on inside. And she did say that her reason for wanting to euthanize the dog was because she did not want to prolong her suffering. But we are all speculating here and I would love if OP, you could share with us how you actually feel.

And like I said BirdinFlight, I completely respect how you feel and have nothing against it at all. But for me, personally, and I am only speaking for myself, I don't think that if someone does not feel about death like others do or does not understand why others express how they express, I don't think it makes that person a monster. I just think that they feel and express in different ways and that they might have a difficult time understanding expressions of others. It would be monstrous for her to have gone out and mutilated the dog to death but her only issue is that she does not understand the feelings the others are expressing. I can't make her a monster for that. Otherwise I would be a monster too.

Last edited by skibum on 30 Oct 2014, 5:22 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Ironic because it's aspies I always hear who grieve over their pet and NTs don't feel as sad and don't get it. But I knew it had nothing to do with ASD or NT because NTs have grieved over their pet too. I think it has more to do with being a pet lover and not everyone is as attached to an animal as some people are so they won't feel sad like they would if it was their own child that passed away. I don't see myself much as a pet lover because I don't feel that attached to them.

To answer your question, I never felt too sad when my cat passed away. She was old and the shape she was in and the fact she barely moved, I knew she was reaching the end of her life and she passed away a month later. I do wonder if she was in any pain and if she was suffering. I never had her get taken to the vet to see what could be done and maybe putting her to sleep would have been an option but she seemed to pass away peacefully in her sleep. When my parents moved out here to Oregon, they only brought our old Cocker Spaniel dog with who was mixed with Schnauzer. I didn't want her in my house because she was incontinent. That same day she took off and was never found. I felt relieved. She was 14 and had arthritis and was deaf. But it was the incontinence part I didn't like. She may have found a place to pass away and her body was never found. My parents weren't upset either but we still went to the humane society to look for her and put our name and number down.

I think how you are feeling about your dog is equivalent to how I felt about when my grandparents passed.

I am somewhat upset. But, what upsets me more is not the fact that she is dying, but the fact that she has had 2 seizure and is now in a coma for over 2 hours and my folks are poking at her and hovering and won't just get someone to help. My neighbor has a vet friend who does house calls and when i saw her suffering and my dad wouldn't hear of me getting hold of this guy, it pisses me off.

Thank you for telling us how you feel about this. I totally understand and I would be very upset about the same thing you are upset about. And I think that your understanding of death and the circle of life is actually very healthy. I don't have any problem with it at all and I don't see you as a horrid person whatsoever. What I see from what you have written is that you understand and accept that death is a natural step and occurrence and a necessary passage and what is upsetting you is that their reactions are causing your dog a more difficult time and more suffering. To me, and maybe it's just me, but to me it sounds like you are a very compassionate person and you care very much about this dog and about her comfort in her time of passing.

Not very perturbed by your dog's death does not equal cold. Death is a natural and necessary process, and many cultures see beauty in it. We need to expand our understanding of this and be sensitive to each person's reaction. It always irritates me when someone in my family is insensitive to another's reaction, whatever type of reaction it is.

That's interesting because I feel the opposite is true, that those people over-emoting for the sake of each other's imagined expectations makes them self-serving monsters, and shows no REAL concern for the suffering animal in question.

The poor dog is the REAL issue at hand, and should be addressed competently. The dog has no way to appreciate the crying of the owners.

Someone's upset about another person's lack of emoting is pure imaginative and presumptuous speculation and is not a REAL issue.

I call them monsters because their concerns are focused on their own perceptions of hurt, taking priority over the REAL issue of the suffering animal.

doesn't a huge part of autism deal with our difference in empathy, either how we express/dont' express it, etc? possibly she is looking down on them, which i do not think is good at all, but that doesn't make her a monster, just immature. in my view however i did no think she was looking down on them.

OP you are not a monster. i am thinking maybe they (your parents) are in denial, or don't want to face the fact that they cannot do anything to help your dog maybe. i can see how your thoughts would put someone off, i agree with you, but it makes other people think you are callous or something because you are coming from a very "logical" point of view. possibly you can phrase it to your parents in a way that will make them understand such as "i know this is very hard for you, but if we get the vet we can lessen her suffering" or something like that. probably someone else can phrase it better for you, put more emotional....words? into it.

people get very touchy over death, as evident in this thread. not that this is bad in any way, or makes them in any way worse than you because they are more effected emotionally. but i guess if something like this ever happens again you'll know to be more tactful, because everyone reacts differently.

1. The OP wasn't bashing his family. They called him cold.

2. It seems the first thing you don't understand is that him not grieving for his dog's death is not a sign that he doesn't have any emotion towards the dog. I would expect a bit more from folks here, that you wouldn't antagonize and mislabel him for processing things different here of all places.

1. You shouldn't be assuming anything of that nature. Not only is it unfair but you should be able to recognize as an autistic person that you probably aren't the most adept at gauging that.

2. That he doesn't understand what they are feeling or why simply means that he doesn't understand. Period. If anyone is being insensitive it seems that it's you. It doesn't "preclude" anything. It just means what it means. Having a different understanding of death is not at all mutually exclusive to emotion and you seriously need to expand your perspective of it if you are going to appreciate that, as it's pretty apparent that you're not very helpful or empathetic here.

Today our family's 14 year old German Shepherd was put down. We are deeply affected by this loss although our grieving began as soon as it was clear that his condition was terminal. It has reached its nadir today, this is a terrible day for us. He was part of the family (not "just a dog"), a loyal friend and companion, a constant presence, a great watchdog, cat lover and character.

Personally I find your attitude impossible to understand. However I accept we are all different. I just hope that people reading your post OP don't think your reaction is typical of ASD people and that it doesn't attract hate speech aimed at all of us.

Also OP if you expect your family to understand your perspective, you might equally make some sort of effort , however limited that might be, to understand theirs. It was your dog, but it's not just all about you.

B19 I am so sorry to read about your dog. I wish both you and GirlwithAspergers my deep and sincere condolences.

I think the most important thing in this thread is that we understand that we each have different ways of processing death and dealing with sorrow. NT's are the same way, each person deals with it in a way that is unique to him or her. There is no right or wrong way. I think it is important to respect each person as he or she goes through the grieving process and not be judgmental as to how people do that. People are allowed to feel whatever they feel, that is their right. And it is fine for us not to understand how others might feel or express their feelings. But I think even if we don't understand, we should be able to be respectful to each other about it. And GirlwithAspergers clearly loves her dog and that is evident in her desire for the dog not to suffer. I respect that very much.

Thank you for your condolences Skibum.

OP, I am aware of what you posted back in July in another thread about how you treated your dog, which made me sad, though I applaud your honesty (then and now) in being frank about your behaviour and response. Sounds to me like you never bonded with the dog from the start (?), maybe that explains your response to his death now.

Obviously I am particularly sensitive to this issue right now.

We just got back from putting her down. She had a 3rd seizure right before we brought her in. My parents were visibly more upset than me, and it was disappointing to see how quick and painless it was in a way, because if we had brought her sooner she would not have had seizures and suffered brain damage as she did. And, to clarify to those of you who think me emotionless, I have a much different grieving process. My process is that when something big happens, like a death, I seem even more cold than I usually am. Then, for a certain period of time, I act like it didn't happen. Then, after a few weeks to a few years (it's not predictable) I will break down over the loss, but I will direct it at something else, usually something very trivial, instead of the actual event, probably in an attempt to further deny it or protect my own psyche.

I have little sympathy for dogs.

This pattern sounds very familiar, especially with us and those that experienced some past overload of psychological trauma.
Things like this that threaten to cause immediate emotional overload are delayed and/or redirected in an effort to manage and avoid mental break-down.
Logical rationalization works, and so it is often employed in the short term.
This ability makes it easier to handle emergency situations in the short term, but does not eliminate the emotions of pain and/or loss.