Life after abandoning suicide plans

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I gave up on life at one point, but I have such an ability to immerse myself in my own thoughts and develop such a huge degree of detachment from reality that, as long as there is a trickle of glucose flowing into my veins, the world passes me by unnoticed. The thing is, I become extremely dyspraxic, almost zombie-like to outward appearances. Killing myself physically was never necessary because I had cut myself off so completely. I was part-ghost for a while, I guess.

I will tell you the motivation that I had. The motive was to simply remark, "A pox on all your houses." That was pretty much it. It was a statement of rejection and contempt toward the society that I lived in. It was the Lorax picking himself up by the seat of his pants and carrying himself away.

You mean the tendency to live without giving a damn to anyone around? If so I tried such way but failed - I just can't, can't live only on my own and deal with only my own problems. Now I'm almost sure that if I ever have any mission in life it should be something related with society around, with not only my but their problems.

Sometimes I miss times when I was political activist - all these public speeches, struggle, organizations, ideologies, even intrigues (don't like them but still miss). But now I don't believe in any ideology and not sure what do people really need from politics - either making the world a better place or corruption and show. I'm leaning toward the latter or else there won't be so vast amount of jerks being elected in the democracies and money won't be the determinant in the election process.

A couple of years ago I had the worst depression of my life that lasted for 5 months or so. It included passively suicidal thoughts. I put myself through written cognitive behavioural therapy for several weeks. I learned a lot, but the CBT wasn't working.. my depression scores continued to get worse. I knew something must be causing it but couldn't figure out what.. but I knew there had to be a logical explanation for it. I can't even recall how I stumbled upon the answer, but in the end I learned that I was very sensitive to salicylate acids and that they were built up in my body causing all sorts of problems - including the depression and passively suicidal thoughts.

I quite eating all herbs/spices for a while & most veggies and fruits, some nuts, tea/coffee, and anything else high in salicylate acids. (Which are plants' natural pesticide and preservative. They're boosted sky high in GMO crops for these properties, but wreak havoc on some peoples' nervous systems.) In addition to stopping consuming them for a while, I also made a lotion with tons of epsom salts in it to put on my skin to absorb the magnesium sulphate in order for my body to detox the acids out via urination. (and drank a lot more water.) When I first started doing this, the depression that had been getting worse and worse for 5 months was nearly completely lifted within 5 days.

I can't possibly know if you have the same biochemical cause of your depression.. but I have read that 70% of people on the autism spectrum are sensitive to salicylate acids. It's a very inexpensive thing to try out to see if soaking your feet in epsom salts or taking epsom salt baths or using epsom salt lotion on your skin every day and night works for you as it has me.

Once your mind is clearer you may figure out the purpose of your life. Maybe it won't reveal itself for some time yet, but everyone has something to live for whether we know it now or not until later.

Thank for your assumption, it's interesting but it seems false - my ration had no geenral changes 2-3 years before and after starting of the depression. In fact last time I started eating much more cayenne and you see that I almost dropped suicide ideas.

It could simply be the compound effect of things over time.

For me, it took taking dexedrine (adhd pharmaceutical) for a few years to deplete enough magnesium from my body to allow the acid levels to build. For others, it may be some other stimulant - caffeine? (not sure if caffeine does the same - guessing.) or some other variable that slowly over time does this sort of thing to the body.

Regardless, it will cost less than a dollar's worth of epsom salts to try using on your skin to find out if they help. IMO, that's a very small price to pay to try something that might help.

Okay, for an idea as to how deep into your own mind you can go, consider this.

Imagine you are in a small, square-shaped room, and on the floor are nine square tiles, laid three-by-three. There are 12 doors, three per wall; the ones in the corners smaller, and the ones mid-wall are larger.

Now, imagine that, when you walk through one of the smaller doors into the next similar-looking room, the colors of the tiles under your feet, in front of you and behind you, remain the same after you've crossed from the middle-tile of the first to the middle-tile of the second, but the ones to either the left of you or the right of you, depending on whether you went through a right-hand door or the left-hand door, are, in most cases, different.

If you pass through one of those in the middle, all tiles are different.

As you wander around in this bizarre purgatory, you realize that you are on a giant rubix cube that turns and goes through permutations as you walk across it, and you are stuck there. Your mind is really stuck there.

For each of the "rooms" on it and for each of the tiles for EVERY DIFFERENT PERMUTATION, you have a subtly different set of internal thoughts, each of them sort of categorized in accordance with the permutation that you happen to be in. Some of them seem noble. Others, you're sort of embarrassed about. But all of them are there, spread throughout this weird labyrinth.

It's not that you DON'T interact with the people around you, but you CAN'T. You are trapped. It's almost like you are cognitively in a coma. The interactions you have with the world around you are more like a dream, and your thoughts seem more luminous, more vivid, and more real. Even fun things that you used to enjoy, in real life, seem dull and gray compared to your internal experience, simply because you have been so deeply cut off from your senses that they barely register with you, at an emotional level.

This is sort of a metaphorical representation of the level of detachment from reality that a severely traumatized person is capable of, only it's a more general sort of "funk" in which one is just completely emotionally disengaged from the surrounding environment.

You have to understand, when some of us decide we would rather be dead than deal with anything in the world around us, we can dive far enough down the "rabbit-hole" that we might as well be dead. It is actual insanity. It may sound like some horrible limbo, but here I am today, more mentally healthy than most people. It was a terrible medicine, but it saved my life. If I hadn't had that dreadful limbo to dive into, I would be dead now.

When I was less experienced, I might have felt sentimental about it. If I were less wise, I would feel negatively about it. Because I am neither naive nor foolish, I see it as a terrible, bitter medicine that actually saves some people.

I can only really give you a short report of how I'm doing, as I started out similarly.
I was at a point where I decided what I currently had wasn't life, so there were 2 options, death or life.
And because you can only try out both in a specific order, I had to go with life first.
First off, I had to get help, depression isn't a fight you can win by yourself, so I got it diagnosed (got aspergers at the same time), got medication, found a good place to live(Important), and since I live in norway, there's alot of help to get economicly too..

currently going along fine, slow, but stable, still no job, tried a few, didn't work out.
I believe that if work is stressing me out in any way I might as well go for the final option, I've suffered enough.

dunno if it helps, but it's the best I can offer

Ah, I wish I have some welfare to evade the necessity of going to office every day. But it's not possible for me neither in Russia nor would be in US.

Medical help is definitely not what I need, there are no problems on this point. The essence of my situation is that I'm trying to find out what to do in life. I can't just seize the day but rather need to do something important. And here's the issue - I don't know what exactly. Those few desires I have are driven only by hate and >99% of people around would say these desires are mad.

Right now I just have no point how to get any other desires - maybe its due to last year I don't actually believe in anything, don't feel anything towards people around. I realized that despite I'd like to have girlfriend no girl is seems to be attractive to me (I appreciate personality more than appearance) and when just a few days ago my "friend" felt very badly sick I had no compassion.

I was reading forums a lot and found that many people in such situation consider moving in rural area and living on farming. That's not a point at all. I need something entirely different. Living off the land is boring, it's dirty and hard process with no real goal except maintenance of life. And I need some goal.

After all I found not a single reason to live. Passed another christmas and new year and those were the worst holidays in my life. I feel tired of everything around - career, people, relaxing, reading, travelling (I spent holidays in Israel with so-called "friends") and so on.
And I'm sorry for creating this topic - it was bad and useless idea.

I'm sorry the holidays were bad for you.

But what makes you say this is a bad topic? It seems like a very relevant topic for a lot of people.

Yep...it's quite relevant for lots of people.

Individually, I would say that most people, in a visceral sense, hate to think suicidal thoughts. Andreger, IMHO, seems like he had his depression, and wants to move on from it.

This is why HE thinks it's a waste of time. But it's not a waste of time for others.

It is. I have diagnosed depression and know what causes it but can't evade these circumstances ad feelings. Psychologists and other related specialists are definitely not what I need because I have not medical reasons of the depression - so for a long I was searching ways how to change those factors that prevent me from normal stance. But... the deeper I search the more I realize that maybe I'll never find the answer - it seems like people consider things I want to evade as integral part of life itself and of course nobody has the answers. So it looks like dead end.

When it comes to human progress, it's only a dead end if you make it a dead end.

It might be a dead end now--but tomorrow brings different input which would create new paths, thus dissolving the dead end.

Human progress? Sorry but I don't understand. As I see the problem progress is sometimes a disadvantage - when considering from my perspective and issues I have than for example nowadays one have to go to the office to have decent paycheck, that you can't simply choose the country where you'd like to live, that you have to spend 2-3 hours a day in public transport or traffic, that you need to pay even for volunteering, that society imposes the only "right" way of life that looks like Groundhog Day and so on. Yep there are alternatives but they're not better than life 100 years ago only without any benefits that were present that time.

I don't mean progress in "general human terms." I mean progress of a "personal/individual" nature.

These are just generalities about nothing. Like what one can read in any psychological site with no exceptions. But when you continue asking on what exactly should be done by you to change these circumstances around the answer is silence.