It's official and he's not happy about it

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I think it may be too early for him to come here.

Is there some activity he could do with the kids to build his self esteem back up?

About self esteem.

Men take it really hard when it comes to job issues, and health issues.

If he is still working. You are so lucky. He will have that structure to build on. That will really help because he will feel capable. He will be around other adults (sorry you don't count), that sort of don't care about *his issue* and treat him more or less the same.

If one thing I could do over, I would not have tried to *help*. Like thinking of things for him to do with the kids You can't speed up the grieving process. You can't make it better. He has to come to terms with it in his own time frame.

My husband, who has really crummy social skills, saw throught all the things I tried, and he felt emasculated. The more everyone tried, the worse he felt about himself.

I would just let him vent, and try to keep the status quo. He hasn't changed at all. Whatever went on before his diagnosis, should happen afterwards.

One thing though...if he starts not functioning, speed dial his therapist. My husband flat out checked out 4 months later, and was suicidal.

When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I grieved for a year. That my life wasn't going to be how I thought it was. People tried to jolly me out of it, and it was aggravating. I almost had to reconstructed myself in my own head. What parts are me and what parts are the bipolar? What was really real and what was a distortion of my mental illness. What parts are my personality and what is the start of a mania? There was a lot of self exploration.

Diagnosis is like an onion. You start peeling the top layer, and find out there are other layers you have to deal with. I found very few people can just get a mental health diagnosis, and just keep bopping along. You start digging through those layers until it's unlayered to your satisfaction.

I know Autism is a developmental disability, but in the States it's dumped into mental health treatment wise.

I read above you have kids on the spectrum. Just because you have children do, does not mean he will be more accepting of his diagnosis. There was a man in my husband's support group, who was recently diagnosed. He has a son on the spectrum. That fact did not make it better. He said he always figured his child would be able to get more skills to function. Children are better at adapting and changing. As an adult, he was so beat down from work and home just coping, that any type of meaningful change would be overwhelming. He did not consider his son's diagnosis and his the same. The outcomes would be different in his mind.

Good luck, hope the weekend goes well..

Hi,

I wanted to chip as I am 35 year old man and was diagnosed with ASD in October last year. For me it was a relief to finally get some answer for the way that I am as I always knew I was different.

However, it one thing to suspect you got ASD but it;s another to get the diagnosis and read it in a report. I was a little upset, angry at the world, and just had thoughts what would my life be like if I wasn't autistic.

After a month, I accepted the diagnosis and I felt like I was starting my life all over again and didn't feel stressed about trying to fit in. Of course, I still need to make an effort in public. My parents are great and they are very supportive.

I can give you a few bits of advice. The first is to find out as much as you can about ASD and discover how his autism affects him and then find workarounds or solutions so they don't become an issue for him.

The second bit of advice is to be supportive and look to see if there is any support groups that you can both go to so your husband can talk to others.

In the UK, we have the National Autistic Society (NAS) and they have branches all over the place and all run mostly by volunteers who are either Autistic or knows someone who is Autistic.

I hope that helps you out.

Regards

Data001

It is a called a spectrum because while we all have issues, we have different ones. We also have widely varying abilities. And we also have different environmental considerations.

I've heard cases here where kids were just as stressed out as adults--learning to be "normal" can be just as stressful as having a full time job.

Oh, dear, WTH, I would give, almost anything, if I could come-up with some "magic" words, right now, that would help you and your husband (and family) through this. Unfortunately, there just ISN'T anything I can think-of, because everyone grieves differently, and everyone "requires" something different to help them.

If I had read that he just got his diagnosis, and you were asking what to do, I would've said: "Just DON'T tell ANYBODY"----but, that's near-impossible for an Aspie, cuz it's just as good as lying.

It seems that more parents, than NOT, react this way. I'm thinking that it has something to do with them being afraid it reflects on their skills----or, lack, thereof----as a parent. I think THEY (parents, like your husband's) think OTHER people will think they did something wrong, in raising him, that "turned" him into a flawed individual. Then, since you said they're really religious, too often that adds an entirely different dynamic. I don't understand it, myself, cuz I've seen a MILLION-and-ONE so-called religious people be the very FIRST ones to be judgmental, and scathing, etc. I dunno..... Maybe they think that their being religious will make "all the world, alright"----like, maybe, religion is the answer, for EVERYTHING; and, something like this throws a monkey wrench into their beliefs----and, "all the world, is NOT alright".

The only thing I can say, is..... Give him every bit of support he needs (and, when YOU need support, please let us, HERE, help), but you're already doing that. My heart really goes-out to you. ((((HUGS))))

In speaking of "my heart really going out", to somebody.....

Tawaki - I put YOU in that category, as well! I was so glad when I got down to the end of your first post on this thread, and there was a happy "ending". I sooooo feel for people that have struggled, so terribly, when they first get their diagnosis. I didn't have that much trouble accepting MINE----BUT, I lost almost my ENTIRE family, and ALL of my friends, when I got my diagnosis, and I know what a terrible struggle it can be.

I'm almost AFRAID to say: "God bless you guys", WTH, and Tawaki----so, I'll just say.....

"I'll continue to hold you in my heart, and thoughts".....

I, too, am in the camp that found a lot of answers once I figured out my diagnosis. I just is what it is. Learning a lot about it has helped immensely. To me, there's no value in denying it as all you end up doing is wasting time whereas learning about it allows you to live a better life with it vs. being frustrated by symptoms you're unaware are even symptoms.

I found reading a few books really useful. "The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome" by Dr. Tony Attwood. "Look me in the eye" by John Elder Robison. "Asperger's from the inside out" by John Michael Carley.

Thanks everyone.

Tawaki, I'm sorry that you guys went through that, it sounds pretty awful. Really bad timing.

My husband already lost his job, almost 2 years ago. Leading up to this, we moved across the country, and his anxiety levels sky rocketed. When he was fired, it was like that was the end of any hope that he could overcome this, the drop to hell from there was a 90 degree angle. He's done the whole not eating or leaving the house and then trying to kill himself thing. To me, the Big Change happened about 2 years ago and now we are rebuilding. I don't feel like treating him differently anyway because since he has gone so long without a diagnosis, we already work around specific "symptoms" (that's not the right word but I can't think of a better one). I just hope we're not going to go back to him not leaving the house and stuff again. *deep sigh*

It seems like from talking to him last night that what changed for him yesterday was not that he now has this thing (he already knew that was quite likely), the change was that he realised that people can tell he is unusual, even when he's putting in his best effort to appear usual. He thought he was better at faking it than he actually is...

I think at this point, low self esteem is probably his biggest issue, and this seems to have lowered it even more....

Ohhhh----ding, ding, ding (goes the bell of understanding)----I totally get that. Please tell him, something like the fact that not just "everyday people" can tell he's unusual, but a PROFESSIONAL spotted it, and they're TRAINED to spot it----and, of course, someone else, who has experienced it, might spot it.

Just.... give 'im lots of extra hugs and kisses (if he's not opposed to that), and let him know you think he's still a strong man, good husband, good father, etc., and that you guys'll work-through this, TOGETHER----but, something tells me, you already ARE doing all of that.

I'm awfully sorry your husband got that sort of response from his own mother...he needs support and open-mindedness from his loved ones, not emotional abuse and threats - but you already knew that.

I actually denied I had AS for a long time, too....I was officially dx'd when I was 12, and back then, all I knew about living with AS was that it entailed hours and hours of therapy, social skills therapy, and ABA camps every summer. It was until much much later that I realized there was a whole community of people who understood what I was going through (the ABA, the social skills training, the bullying) and that it wasn't fair. Now I feel really at home and accepted in the autism/disability community....certainly more at home and accepted than I feel IRL, anyway.

Does your husband know about this forum, and others, such as AspiesCentral and Asperclick? I second what Androbot1 said; it might be good for him to reach out to an autistic/Aspergers community right about now. Please let him know we're all here for him.

You are still gifted, you are still the same person, you still have your own and unique personality (just like anyone else with or without AS), the diagnosis simply confirmed that your brain is "wired a certain way".

And to the OP: I would stay away from that so-called mother (her comments are very destructive - having given birth to him doesn't give her the right to destroy him). 2 of my cousins did this (stay away from a mean "mother") and they are happier for it, it takes a lot of emotional strength tho, and not everyone has this kind of strength.

I can tell my mother anything I want.
your mother and his were being abusive

Give me her number and I'll tell her to f**k herself, myself.

She is an abuser....he deserves better than to be psychologically assaulted by her.

We will accept him.

He is a valuable human being.

Why would his mother disown him for that? That's ridiculous.

Religion and being disowned...

This still goes on today. When I had outpatient group therapy there was a person dealing with this issue.

There are small branches of Christianity that still believe disabilities and mental illness are caused by sin, and or a punishment on the family or a test by God.

The metal illness (which usually this camp throws Aspie/HFA in) is considered a failing by the person and a shame on the family. The ASD person's faith is weak, and needs to repent his sins (usually lack of faith in God's awesome power and glory).

Some groups believe you will be totally healed if you surrender yourself over to God. Other's believe you will walk as an example to wake people up and repent until you die. You won't be healed, but your mission in life is to pull others closer to God. This is a big honor if you do it. Your crown in heaven will have many stars.

The family shame is they did something wrong to anger God. They failed. Whether their faith wasn't strong enough to who knows what. If you have a LF child, the child is blameless, you are the ones who are being punished. Same if the child has Downs Syndrome. You/your family sinned somehow, and now you have this child to pull everyone closer to God.

I don't know how "disowned" the OP husband is from is family. The guy in group with me totally was. He had ASD/depression/post suicide attempt. This family actually changed the home phone number and the house locks. One sibling was a contact person. He would be welcomed back with open arms once he had counseling with the church minister.

The disowning can be not being wanted back (but the family wi let you physically come home) to being actually shunned

A milder variations, which you will see on special needs children's blogs is something like, "God only gives special children to special families." A more positive message, but still God is passing out special needs children to raise awareness of his awesomeness.

Remind your husband he's still the exact same person. Nothing has changed other than a label. He didn't get weak, sick, or lose an ability. He still has the same job, hobbies, habits, lifestyle. His wife and kids still love him. He doesn't need to take any pills for it. I don't see why this even matters to his mom. She is no longer responsible for him and this doesn't change her life in any way.

Diagnosis is good for understanding and accepting oneself. Other than that there's almost no difference for a functioning adult. I remember feeling a bit let down after my diagnosis. Having the label only answered some questions. For an adult with job, family and responsibilities, you don't get out of any of those by having a diagnosis. Nobody will give you any extra help or automatically understand you. The acceptance and relief comes from within. Knowing one's strengths and weaknesses and limits can help one cope with life better, achieve more satisfaction and like themselves more. Hopefully as he understands himself better and gain confidence he'll relate more to the kids, and thus help them as well. He will need to stand up to his mother, though probably not at this moment. Right now he needs to come to term with the diagnosis and accept himself first.

OK.