My husband pretty much told me he doesn't love me

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Take one step at a time. It's good you can stay with your mother. Once you get your hearing sorted hopefully you will have some money work with.
Might be a good idea to change states.
Do you have a federal disability pension that would transfer to a different state?

I'm really sorry that you're going thru all that. I wish I could give you some advice.

There are signs when a relationship can be saved, and others when it isn't worth saving. I don't know you, or even all of your situation, but from just what you posted, I'd say that it's time to go.

He's not supportive of you. He's emotionally abusive. He's more willing to support his friend than you. It doesn't even matter if he's the one on the spectrum or you. Either way, it's time to go.

I know it's hard, heck I'm divorced myself. I allowed my ex to treat me like crap for several years, but she'd always take advantage of my kindness and get me to apologize to her when she was usually the problem.

I'd say that you need distance from him at the least, and time, for sure.

I'm not going to wish you luck with salvaging your relationship with him, because frankly, I think he went way out of bounds and it's not worth saving.

I will say good luck in getting away and recovering your life without him, and maybe one day, when the time is right, finding someone who will treat you with love and respect, no matter who else is around.

I have tried to get counseling, but the one just spent every session trying to find someone more qualified to address my particular problems, and the other told me she couldn't work with me if I wasn't on an antidepressant -- except that I have problems with getting a lot of side effects from antidepressants. I would like to try again, but I don't know where to start since it's actually really hard to get an appointment with a psychologist where I live in the first place.
I've been trying to learn what I can on my own, but it's a slow process since I can only read short articles or summaries in my current condition and not whole books or anything very densely written.
We're going to try to work things out. We talked, and I asked him if a similar situation comes up where he doesn't understand why I'm upset to just accept that I AM upset and give me a hug or tell me in a calm voice to sit down and take some time to cool off instead of invalidating me by telling me I'm being irrational and then yelling at me and escalating things. I told him I never want to be in a situation like that again and that I need to be able to trust him with my feelings. I just started taking an anxiety medication that turns out to help a bit and has had no side effects for me, and I offered some to him, and it helps him too. He won't go to a psychiatrist for himself, even though he needs help, because of the insurance deductibles, though, so I'm afraid he's not going to get his own prescription... I'll encourage him to, though, since it'd be best if he did.
The good thing about this anxiety med is that it shouldn't have any interactions with any other medication I would use for pain, even the cannabis (might as well just write the word lol it's not like no one knows that's what it is). The cannabis already would help with my anxiety and mood, so this prescription would just make it even better if I used them together. I'm sort of still hoping by the end of this week the gov't insurance will fill the other prescription I wanted to try, though, since this anxiety med doesn't do anything about the debilitating pain, and that one might, so maybe I wouldn't need to worry about the legality of the cannabis and whether I need to move away to use it. I just can't see myself staying in pain for much time after the hearing to continue trying prescriptions when I already know of something that WILL work and give me my life back. I just can't afford to use it before the hearing because then I'd have to explain to the gov't why I'm suddenly better (I can't lie -- I'm terrible at lying), and the best case scenario would probably be them refusing to award me my benefits from the past few years I've been waiting for the hearing (I didn't know about medical cannabis and what it could do for me until I used it for 2 months last year or I would have withdrawn the case before it got to this point). Everything is so complicated!

No, he didn't.

He told you that you're no who he fell in love with.

Big difference.

That means that your actions/behaviours have changed from when you were first together.

This is an opportunity for you to reflect on what is so different about yourself & then formulate an action plan of what you're going to do about it in order to be the more loveable you the he fell in love with in the first place.

She explained why she acts differently from when they got together, and it's because she's ill, not something she can choose.

And if you have to work to be 'loveable' to your partner, then the relationship is not worth it.

So, then the solution is to get healthy. Focus & work on that. Some people remain ill for longer than they need to, or permanently, because they accept being ill vs. working on becoming healthier. I have no idea what the OP's illness is, but chances are there's some course of action she could take to become healthier.

Nothing worth doing is easy - including relationships. People ought to want to work hard to maintain and improve themselves vs. allow themselves to "let themselves go" or become, or remain, unhealthy. You may not agree with me, but I don't think that people are owed any sort of automatic attraction & love from their partners unconditionally forever - especially if they're the type to "let themselves go" and do nothing about it. Life is hard, relationships are hard, everything requires work & effort for the desired outcome. IMO YMMV.

I cannot projectile vomit hard enough to get the bile of these words out of my system.

OP, take it one step at time and work towards independence.

Absolutely. The guy sounds like kind of a creep. He also likes his "housemate" too much.

Hard work & self improvement > quitting, IMO.

I agree with this.

If I were the OP, I'd want the housemate guy to move out due to the disturbances he's causing by being there.

Hard work and self improvement is greater than quiting
=
Is it quitting when you stop accepting abuse from someone?

I support it is really. Quitting the relationship. Having escaped (quit) a relationship, I can tell you that sometimes quitting something/body is awesome.

It can be.

But this situation makes it sounds as if the OP has changed considerably and could use this as an opportunity for some self reflection and self improvement vs. quitting, especially if she's still in love with her husband and wants to make their relationship work.

And no, it's not all one sided, either. He's got to want to make it work and do whatever he needs to to make that happen, too.

So, just what self-improvement is warranted here? Oh right, the elimination of illness. Because in HappyLand no one is ever chronically ill.

And then there's the damage to the truck. What a travesty for the OP's husband. It is important to not damage one's partner's vehicle when having a meltdown even if it is just to get him to stop yelling.

At least we agree that the roommate should go, but that won't solve the problem. In fact, he might become more resentful at the absence of his buddy.

Yes, the elimination of illness. Physiological, mental, whatever it happens to be. A focus on health first and foremost would be ideal. It likely won't happen overnight.. Rome wasn't built in a day and all that - but a focus on improving one's health sounds pretty ideal in a situation like this to me. Even if the OP were to call it quits on their relationship, if she's not happy, chances are she isn't healthy.. and so, my advice still stands. Focus on health. Health is wealth.

There's no reason to damage or vandalize material things. Sure, they're just material things.. but someone had to work hard to pay for them, and the Earth has provided the natural resources to produce them etc. It's terribly wasteful to damage things. Sometimes things get damaged in an "out of control" moment of a meltdown or rage, I get that, but there is absolutely no reason to ever consciously decide to damage things. If it's happening beyond your control and someone else points it out, it's appropriate to regain presence and cease any activity that may cause property damage - yes. ASD/depression/anger etc aren't "get out of jail free" cards to be played in order to justify wrecking things.

Yeah, the roommate guy needs to go first and foremost.

I'm just going to ignore the fact that goldfish is suggesting my focus hasn't been on improving my "health" and that I'm still sick after 3 years because I'm clearly lazy and unmotivated and didn't really want to fulfill all those big dreams I had anyway *sarcasm*

My husband has descended into depression by watching me struggle so hard and still get nowhere with my health for 3 years while being dismissed by numerous doctors who would not believe me -- or him -- that I have been trying so hard to beat this disease. Only last year did we discover that medical cannabis may be the only way for me to get my health and life back, but we're already so deep in the paperwork for disability that I have to wait to use it and get my life back because we need the benefits from those 3 years in order to deal with the bills that have piled up because of my disability. If I were on a legal medication that worked, the attorney could change my case to a closed period of disability, and I would still get that money. However, the gov't isn't going to do that when the medication is illegal.

I originally thought I could beat this disease just by having better access to healthcare, so I took a job thinking I would get better as soon as I could see a doctor. I really thought the doctor could fix me right up, so I even financed a new-ish car at that time with the thought that I could pay it off in less than a year on that salary!

I had to learn the hard way that doctors aren't that trustworthy by having more than one actually make my condition worse with their off-the-cuff treatments and then ignore me when that happened. I would look up information about those treatments after the fact and learn that medical research was showing them to be largely ineffective and even harmful!

Now I spend a lot of time looking for information on my own and coming up with hypotheses about my disease and how to treat it -- it's the best I can do to advocate for myself since I don't have the money to go looking for the best doctors. I then look for any evidence I can find to support or oppose those hypotheses. It took me two years just to find doctors who don't get mad at me for studying too much about my illness and potential treatment options -- they all wanted to assume that I was just Googling things, disregarding the fact that I have a strong background in research! It takes a long time for me to do the research because of the effects my illness has on concentration, so when I finally offer my findings and questions to my doctors, it is pretty demoralizing to be dismissed outright. Do these sound like the actions of someone who just gave up?

Because I am always in so much pain, along with other symptoms, I am unable to mask my AS behaviors as well as I did when I first met my husband. His telling me that he basically loved the mask more than he loves me was a heartbreaking thing to hear, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to forget him saying that to me. He has since told me he didn't mean it and kept asking himself why he said it afterward... and he seems to be as worried as I am about the effects it may have on our relationship going forward. We definitely need counseling, and he needs to do something about treating his depression... I will continue to do all I can to find help for myself, but I've told him that he needs to be all in about getting help for himself as well if we are going to stay married...