Do you find the world cold, inhospitable and cruel?

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I see the world as being mostly cold, inhospitable and cruel, with a few "safe harbours" of caring and kindness to be found here and there.

Yes.
I think that generally we have an unusual sense and experience of reality that is separate from the filters of identities.
It seems that existential depression is very common with us.

I think that maybe, hopefully, if some extraterrestrial intelligent life makes contact with us, then everything, especially some primary concerns of ours, will finally change.

Yes, very much so, and always have.
You're told from birth to "be yourself," and "be unique," and the very moment you are "yourself," you're shoved back into the herd, often violently so. If you're different in any way, someone will hate you violently for it. And when you're different in many ways, you're hated by a lot of people. I knew that way before the internet, and the internet has only made it far, far worse. People are getting greedier and less compassionate by the day, it seems.

Sometimes the world can seem like a cold place, but at home I always will have a world all of my own to be happy in.

It's just random on who the world is cruel to and mean to as well.

If all I had was my AS, then I'd be happy as a damn lark.

AS didn't make my life cruel, cold and inhospitable, it just magnified it.

Life has been unfairly cruel to me for whatever strange reason(s).

My case I was born with a neurological and muscular disorders (undiagnosed because I don't fit any of the diagnoses), with AS on top of it. I was born to parents who weren't ready to be parents (Mom just turned 20, dad was 24.5). I was originally supposed to be put up for adoption, but due to family pressure I was kept begrudgingly. My parents were partying college students who were reckless, which led to my existence.

My dad was "forced" to drop out of college because of me (or so he claimed) to take an engineering job. He's always though of me as a screw up, because of how I turned out. Oddly enough I turned out polar opposite of him and mother (fully responsible, masters degree, etc...). He made sure I knew he didn't want to keep me and resents me for ruining his life. His parents forced him to spend time with me and do legal requirements aka the bare minimum. This is why we have a very uncomfortable shaky relationship. We really don't connect at all and have like no positive bond.

My mother has fullest/severest form of bi-polar disorder on top of ADD, ADHD and others. She made no secret on how she was pressured in to keeping me and how my dad's mother tried to pressure her into having an abortion. She has never spent time with me outside of needing me for whatever reason. She was abusive to me both physically and emotionally. She was never stable person and borrowed tons of money from me over the years and has only paid back a small part of it. She never kept to anything, always letting me down and preventing me from doing stuff I wanted and need to do. I essentially picked up her slack in life.

My first step dad was mentally unstable, on drugs, alcoholic, etc... He never really liked me and constantly abused me in literally every form. bleh...

My new step dad who has been around for 10 years is fine, but he is hell bent on making me bury the hatchet with my mother, including letting go of all claims against here. he believes I am full on bitter and petty against her. This my only real issue with him. Outside of this we get along fine.

My step mom is alright, to be honest I really don't care for her, but there is nothing wrong with her.

Anyways growing up between the abuse and picking up the slack generated by everyone, I missed out on quite a lot.
I was either prevented from going somewhere because I was need at home for whatever reason or I couldn't get the money or car ride to do it.
I also missed out on a lot of school days to stay home an watch my sister because my first step dad didn't want to watch his own daughters (they are my half sisters and much younger than me).
I also had to miss an hour of fourth grade every day my sister had kindergarten, because I had to leave class to go home and get her and walk her back to school. (she had afternoon kindergarten).

I was regularly denied money for practically anything and everything even school related.
Yet my sisters have gotten nearly everything just by asking (I'm the oldest).
Same on my dad's side.
Sometimes I could get one of my grandparents to fund said thing.
My grandparents paid for most everything I had growing up.

My parents also refused to help me with college, yet my dad and step mom are going all out help my sister who currently goes to U of M, to the point of co-signing a house (half sister on my dad side) and student loans.

My dad told me if I couldn't afford college tuition with his mother's help then I should drop out and work until I could afford to go back and pay for it myself.
He said he wouldn't co-sign a federal student loan if it came to that.


My mother has been occasionally helping my sister (mom's side) with some college expenses.
My mother asked me for some funds to help my sister when she was in high school, I said no and got an earful.


AS just made me go through this all alone and be responsible.
Being alone made it all worse to a degree.

So did getting the AS diagnosis and needed medication midway through college.

I read once somewhere where a guy was postulating that this existence is actually Hell incarnate - it's just us inmates don't actually know that we're in Hell (part of the whole <let's screw with the inmates heads> part of Hell).



Holy smokes - what if it's true......

No, it's too huggy wuggy.

No. I have been the recipient of great kindnesses from others from time to time throughout my life, and one particular medical specialist who oversaw part of my recovery from very serious illness could not have been more caring than she was. There are cruel people in the world who do cruel things; (I grew up with one of them). There always have been and probably always will be, but they are like the relatively small percentage who cheat in exams. Most students don't. Inhospitable, no - I have been taken in by safe and kind strangers in a situation where I might have frozen to death in snow otherwise. Cold? On the whole, no. Just this week there was a family of two parents and 12 children who fled a religious fundamentalist cult that they had all been born into; they had only the clothes they stood up in. Within a week, total strangers had provided everything they needed to start their new life in safety and peace.

The good stuff doesn't make the headlines as often as the bad stuff, so it's easy to get a very cock-eyed view. But people are out there every day caring for others and animals in one way or another, as "everyday humanitarians". It might be something as simple as taking a sick neighbour a hot meal, or feeding birds in Winter..

It certainly felt that way to me in the seventh grade and numerous other times as well. But, in the big picture after 60 years of living it has been a mix of heaven and hell and most of the time and just living day to day

Thank you all for the responses, it made me feel a little better to know that I am not alone... I feel there are terrible consequences for lacking social skills and being so alone. I can only speak for myself here, but my personal experience dictates that if there is ever a crisis, and life is just too much to handle alone, the only thing anyone will have to offer is a stay in a psych ward. I have not experienced that there is any real help out there. We have become such a self-sufficient, disposable society that - at least I.....am told how to handle things on my own... but I feel so vulnerable, because no one else will help tackle life with me on a daily basis.

This, I feel is the main difference between being alone (an outsider) and having at least some social skills to have a few people who really care. The ultimate help, I feel I will ever receive, if things become overwhelming, is a medication adjustment or a brief stay in a psych ward. My personal experience is, there is too little help to buffer some of life's horrors in the future, and I feel things will only get worse as I get older.

Anyway, I appreciate the responses so much... I feel I am not totally crazy to think some of the things that I do. I sincerely hope that there will be more recognition about Aspergers/Autism in the future, that some people will know how much of a struggle it often is to be an adult with these issues...

Existentialterror, have you considered trying to learn a bit about social skills? I understand your need for help, but even if you did find someone to help you with these things, you cannot always depden on someone.

I have just thought that, if you could learn something about it, you could manage somehow on your own. I know how difficult it is, though. I understand your difficulties. What about experience? Have your experiences showed that it is better to do something instead of something else? Has that helped you?