03 May 2015, 9:18 pm
zer0netgain wrote:
Three words...."Embrace the suck." 
I'm 46....discovered about AS at 40. Answered a lot of questions.
I guess the "acceptance" part was already there. I knew I was different, just didn't understand how or why.
I had a lot of anger over the fact that it happened to me or that I went so long with no clue about it and let it wreck so much of my life.
Like you, I don't care to play the "game" anymore to fit in. I'm in real danger of being a total recluse.
I'm 46....discovered about AS at 40. Answered a lot of questions.
I guess the "acceptance" part was already there. I knew I was different, just didn't understand how or why.
I had a lot of anger over the fact that it happened to me or that I went so long with no clue about it and let it wreck so much of my life.
Like you, I don't care to play the "game" anymore to fit in. I'm in real danger of being a total recluse.
Not being diagnosed until the ripe old age of 39 when my best years are behind me -and having to diagnose myself, despite the numerous doctors and a couple of shrinks I've seen over the years- are definitely facets behind my anger.
Most of it is probably unspent frustration I can't control, and my biggest concern is victimizing someone who's done nothing to harm me personally because of it.
I was taking Aropax for my Depression for a good 5 years which rendered me utterly numb emotionally, and after going off the drug about a year & a half ago they came flooding back with a vengeance and I've had trouble keeping them in check ever since. Thankfully I've avoided any serious emotional outbursts among strangers thus far but that probably has more to do with my current social isolation and unemployment than anything else.
The hermit life doesn't bother me so much anymore, provided I'm making progress in my hobbies and enjoying them. Deep down a tiny voice is telling me to demand more of myself but I've almost succeeded in silencing it completely. That's probably not something to be proud of, but neither is Autism.
Acceptance of my condition, accepting that I'll be this way for the rest of my life is something I need to embrace to move forward. I know that, yet I've tried so impossibly hard to pretend to be normal for so long that its intensely intimidating to interact with others any other way when all my instincts feel wrong. Now I know how Jamie Lannister feels.
I just wanted to say thank you for your messages guys. Any support you can offer is sincerely appreciated.
btbnnyr
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Joined: 18 May 2011
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Posts: 7,359
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03 May 2015, 10:23 pm
