How do I get out of this social event without being rude?

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This bothers me, because it sounds like she knew you wouldn't want to come because of this, but wanted to subtly guilt you into doing so anyway. You're not under any obligation to go. It's not rude to just politely decline because of work the next day, it just feels like it would be rude because she set you up like that. There's no need to do much explaining either, because she already understands the reason why. Sunday night is not a good time to have a party, especially if it involves drinking. Typically only college-aged people would do that.

If you really want to make it up to her, offer to hang out with her and celebrate some other time. And yeah a small gift would help, but it's not necessary.




I am the same way...I just don't understand how people have the energy to do so many different things in one day. Sometimes I will have a day where I have a burst of energy and do lots of things, but the next morning I end up feeling like I'm practically comatose from it, and I may not be able to get up and get going on time. I've learned I have to set aside time to rest even if I don't feel tired yet, because I can burn myself out very quickly if I don't.

I also really have to psyche myself up mentally on Sunday evening to go back out into the world the next morning...which I can't do if I'm having to socialize with people. If something unusual happens on Sunday night, it can throw off my entire week.

For me to give up some of that time I need to rest, it has to be something REALLY good, something I really want to do. Not something I am just looking for any excuse to get out of.

Who knows why the she wanted to have a party on a Sunday night.

BUT, to me this doesn't sound like a guilt trip. It sounds like a personal invitation, "I hope you can come anyway" kind of thing. Maybe she didn't word it exactly right (if OP wrote it as an exact quote), but we shouldn't get all over the host about this.

OP does not need to explain why she won't go. A gift is helpful and expresses good will.

Rebbieh expresses some very good points.

Here's the thing about relationships: If we want them, we need to give/bend a bit. We need to make others know that *THEY* are more important then *OURSELVES* at times. Sometimes, this can be done while pleasing BOTH the other person and ourselves simultaneously, and at other times we need to be self-sacrificial about it.

If OP wants to keep this relationship going, I suggest a small gift. This blesses the host AND does not require OP to go to the party. Everyone wins. It is a *small* sacrifice that could reap great benefits.

The worst way to try and get friends and keep relationships is to require everything to be to our liking without attempting to bend a bit.

Why not do something that will make another feel good *just to make them feel good*? If we want friends, we need to show people we like them. This might not come naturally, but there are practical things that can be done to demonstrate this.

For most of my life I haven't made the cause-effect relationship between this kind of stress and exertion and the bad days that follow. It makes sense to protect yourself from the consequences.

If your friend is of the listening type and is willing to give you time to discuss the situation in depth, I'd be tempted to have a long-ish talk to them about the matter, and just explain the reasons why you find parties so difficult. Not everybody is welded to the idea that not going to their party means that you don't give a damn about them.

While it's true that all friendships are built on give and take and a certain degree of compromise and sacrifice and doing things that aren't always to our liking, it's also true that real friends need to understand and accept each other's needs. And a person with autism who knows they won't function well without the rest they had planned is someone a real friend should be able to excuse for that, without resentment or guilting.


It's okay to speak of the OP sacrificing a little in order to strengthen a bond of friendship, but how about the flipside, whereby this friend isn't being very sacrificing either, if she will never be told that there's a good reason why rebbieh needs things to be a certain way regarding rest time. We must make some sacrifices to keep a bond with our friends, such as showing up at a party sometimes, but on the other hand, our friends must return the favor by making the sacrifice of accepting that sometimes we just can't handle such a thing.

I usually try my best to compromise when I have to and I probably would've tried to compromise a bit if the party was tonight (Saturday night). However, I need to spend my Sundays preparing myself mentally for the coming week and going somewhere on a Sunday night can really mess that up. It's like dianthus said:

Just don't know how to explain that to someone who isn't an introvert and doesn't have autism.

You already told her you'd think about it winch means maybe you'd go or maybe not. I just wouldn't show up & not bother telling her anything unless she asks again sense I didn't tell her Yes & I'd explain why I didn't go next time I saw her if the topic came up.

"I'd like to come, but I just can't. I hope you have a great time though! Let me know how it goes. Maybe I can get there next time you have something."

Unless she is your best friend and this is her wedding or the baptism of her baby, this should be enough. You don't have to explain what "can't" means. It's a given when it's used like that that it may mean something came up and you really can't or that you just don't want to because you are tired or whatever, or even that you got invited somewhere else, or it could mean anything. In this situation "can't" is all you have to say. If she asks why, and she may because it's within the limits of normal manners to do that, just say "I have something else I have to do, I'm sorry though." and then to keep her from asking more questions, immediately ask "How do you like your new place? What are you going to serve at the party? Are you all ready for it?" or anything like any of those. Don't ask them all, one will suffice.

Can't can mean "I won't want to". It's a nice way of saying it and doesn't reflect on the person who invited you. Everybody just wants to go home and not do anything else at some time or other. Adults understand this.

Good luck. Don't stumble over your words either, it will sound like you are trying to get her to give you a ride or beg you or something or you are hiding something bad. Practice it, say it in a happy but sorry you can't go kind of voice.

There are lots of articles online about how to say no to people...you could try searching some of them for ideas about what to say...here's one for example: http://www.lifehack.org/articles/commun ... ng-no.html

Maybe try to look at this as a normal thing...everyone has to say no to things sometimes, for all kinds of different reasons. It's really not about being an introvert, or autistic or anything else in particular. It's just not a good time for you to go, simple as that. When people have parties or gatherings they understand that not everyone will be able to come.

A lot of people just make polite excuses for declining things, that aren't necessarily even true...I guess the one thing I would worry about is that the friend might assume I was making up a phony excuse, rather than legitimately needing to rest. One way around that is to reassure the person that you really wish you could be there, however if you do that before the event they may look at it like you're asking to be persuaded to come anyway, and keep trying to talk you into it. It's one of those situations where other people tend to look for subtext that is not intended. Which is why I would probably do what nick007 suggested, and not say anything unless she asks later why I didn't come.




Wow! I don't know why you are preaching this to me, or to the forum in general...sounds like you think you are the expert on relationships...what do you know about how much I, or the other people in this thread, bend or sacrifice for people, or do things to make people feel good? Anyway I don't consider a casual get together like this to be a situation that calls for sacrifice. A friend needing to go to the hospital on a Sunday night, or needing help with a crisis would be something else.

I don't see how that's preaching, just maybe a different kind of culture. For certain social structures, it is very sound advice, it just doesn't work for everyone.

I've decided I'm not going.

"I unfortunately can't come to the party tonight. Sorry. I hope you'll have a good time though! Perhaps you and I could meet up sometime during the week instead? Let me know what you think."

Is that OK? And if she asks me why I can't attend the party I might just be honest (but not tell her all the reasons) and say "because I feel like I need to rest tonight since I start working at 9am tomorrow and have to work 40 hours next week. Would've liked to be able to come by but I just can't do it tonight. Sorry." That OK?

I really dislike having to make up excuses (even though they're not lies) for not attending something like this. Even if she says it's OK I'll worry that she's angry with me or something.

I think that sounds fine, rebbieh.

As Olive Oil Mom points out, sometimes just saying "I'm sorry I can't come" etc is enough, as the word "can't" /the idea "Can't make it" covers a whole plethora of valid reasons and situations.

Even if your friend does follow up with "why?" can't you come, you may only need to say "I have something else I have to do that evening but I really hope your party is goes great," and deflect with things like friendly questions about how preparations are going.

Whether you ever feel it necessary to disclose to this friend, in the future, more detail about social exhaustion etc, or whether you just want to keep it simple and just keep it at the "can't" "something else I need to do" level, is your choice as both have their uses.

If this friendship ever gets really close, in the future it might be best to call the "need to know" thing in, but that's your decision.

But right now a "sorry I can't make it, but...." level is sufficient and if your friend is reasonable she should understand that not everybody can show up.

Personally I think Sunday night is an awful time to expect people to come out to a party, and like dianthus I strongly relate to having to get myself ready to face my working week. I'm the same the night before I have to get back to work -- I have to get things ready on a practical, mental and emotional level and if I try to do anything unusual on the night I'm trying to just get back into gear for my work week, everything gets thrown out of whack.

She already knows something's "wrong" (she knows I have some kind of diagnosis) because of the extra support I get at university and because I'm too overwhelmed and/or too depressed to function normally sometimes, but I haven't told her what yet. Not sure if I will. She's a good person and I like her but I'm a bit hesitant to tell people of my diagnosis since I never know how they'll react.



The reason it's tonight is because she's working this morning but not tomorrow morning so if she wanted to have her party yesterday night (Saturday) she wouldn't have been able to drink etc.

What you said sounds perfect. If she asks why then say "I've just got so much to do, and I wish I didn't because it sounds fun! How do you like it there?" You do have things to do, and the answer was vague enough and ended with a change of topic question so unless she's clueless or aspie she will get that hint and not ask more. You have something to do and you don't want to go into it. That's fairly normal. If she keeps on asking you are well within your right to answer her and tell her exactly what it is you are doing and why you need to rest in great detail for her benefit and in a cold tone of voice so she knows she stepped over the line. It's ok to do that too and she shouldn't ask after you explain and did the bait and switch with the question.

So...if she herself didn't want to have the party on Saturday night, because she had to work the next morning, she already understands perfectly why someone who has to work Monday morning might not want to come on Sunday night.

Well, I told her and she said "OK, that's OK! Thanks. And yes, we could probably make that happen [meeting up during the week]. I work during the evenings next week and I've already got some stuff planned but we can talk about it later."