Avoidance and ASD

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Oh! I'm so glad if that proves helpful. The book has been really useful to me both as a practical guide & in some of the insights that are afforded about how ASD brains work differently & why it is so much better to work with rather than against those differences.

I struggle with setting aside modifications that are helping me too. It is tough to try to make these types of changes independently (or without specialist input) because, as you point out, labeling things that are actually helping us as ASD people as avoidance is maladaptive thinking (whereas, for people who don't have an ASD these coping mechanisms might actually be maladaptive coping and would need to be eliminated.)

I try to use a physical disability metaphore to confront this type of thinking: I would want a person who could not walk to have a wheelchair or crutches, so even though my disability is invisible I want to give myself the support of any modified tools or procedures that I need to get where Im going in life.

I avoid forming close relationships, generally just avoid people in general. I feel guilty about it because I know how to function and can do it. I just choose not to because I find it overwhelming and I enjoy being alone most of the time.

Something that has helped me a lot the past few years is a non-addictive anti-anxiety medication called Buspar. I didn't know how truly disabling my anxiety was until I had been on Buspar for a while and noticed the significant increase in functioning that came from treating my anxiety. I am still very high-strung but I can do a lot more things now, especially in the social arena.

I am not sure if any of this will be helpful or not, but: What has worked for me (more or less) is intense planning and scripting, while giving myself permission to bolt. What I mean is, I plan a thing, trying to find out as much as possible about what it will be like in advance. What sort of people, music, lighting, expectations and so forth. I may pass by it a couple of times, like a retail establishment, without actually going in. I plan out basic conversations in advance, too, so I do not have to ad lib, at least not much. When I am feeling pretty informed, I go. If I am uncomfortable, I ask myself if there is anything to do about it other than get the heck out. Sometimes I can go into a quieter area, sometimes I can wear ear plugs, other times I can sit outside (like a restaurant). If all is lost, I tell myself that it is fine to just leave, and I go with no guilt.
One other thought, this late in life, I know what I can (usually) manage and what I cannot. I just tailor my life around that. Sure, it is kind of restricted, but I am actually happy with it, since I no longer obsess over not doing things I can't handle.

i avoid everything. i get way too overwhelmed too fast and then i have a meltdown and its not exactly "normal" for a 30 year old to have a little kid tantrum, especially in public, so i try to avoid it at all costs. i know at this point in my life i should be pushing my boundaries and acting more like an adult and trying to sort my s**t out but its so hard. i also think my constant avoidance over the years has made me worse. i havent gotten myself used to dealing with things but its so hard to bring myself to do that. my mom gets frustrated with me and tells me things like, "you just need to get out of the house more" or, "everything will be fine if you just do it" and it drives me crazy. i dont react to things like she expects me to, like a "normal" person would. i cant cope at all. i know i should be better than i am but i just cant get there and it makes me frustrated with myself.