Getting Deliberately Bad Service in Restaurants

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If he was staring at her, even if it was unintentional, it was creepy. He knows better than that now and everyone seems happy.

Well I can see how outright staring could warrant justification for her deeming him creepy, but then again that's like saying it was all his own fault -- and it wasn't because he genuinely didn't know he was doing it.

There are people who deliberately stare at someone knowing the effect it may have, for reasons of intimidation, or salaciousness, among other things, and they deserve to be called out as a creep. But this poor guy was at a time in life when an effect of autism was something not yet under his control. I feel badly for him and I think the girl should have restrained herself from giving him bad service.

Ideally she should have just told her manager she felt she had reason to not want to continue serving him and please could someone else take over.

It doesn't matter that "everyone's happy" -- it's a topic being discussed and this is my take on it. It's not right that he was given bad treatment and called a creep for something he couldn't help and genuinely didn't know he was doing, when there are people deliberately doing such things and are thus more deserving off payback or remarks.

I get your point, I really do. I've been in the same position as him (unintentional staring). It's just that she was none the wiser that he wasn't some creep who viewed her as a piece of meat. It wasn't like anyone could explain it was autism to her and she would understand either. I suppose the lesson is more autism awareness.

I NEVER look at the server (on the rare occasions that I eat out).

I make sure not to make eye contact with ANYONE, to say extra pleases and thank yous, to ask for as little as humanly possible (no requests to leave things out or anything like that-- I can take it out myself).

I'm careful not to speak above a conversational whisper.

I make sure to ALWAYS smile, somewhere between sweetly and subserviently.

I act like they're doing me the biggest favor on Earth.

I don't get exceptionally good service, but I don't get exceptionally bad service either.

I don't like to go out to eat. It's too stressful. It is easier to make the meal, eat the meal, and clean up after the meal.

I understand what you are saying but how was she supposed to know the staring was unintentional? She also didn't know he was on the spectrum either. Did Aspie1 knew at the time also?

I can't blame either party. Being a woman, there are guys out there who will just stare at you and that can make us uncomfortable so I can understand where she is coming from and she should have perhaps told her manager how uncomfortable a customer was making her feel because he is staring at her so she feels sexually harassed and he maybe would have handled it for her by talking to Aspie1 or send a guy waiter to serve that table and she goes to the other table and serves those customers, they switch.

Sometimes even NTs don't even know they are staring. I also remember when I was 10, there was this man looking at me and he was nodding his head and I felt mocked and very uncomfortable because he was staring at me. I told my mother and she looked at the guy and she could tell the man was off so my mother told me the man had problems and he probably doesn't notice me and I could look like a tree to him and she told me how wonderful it is that his family is taking him out and that is their gift for him. I remember I got out of my seat and walked behind him to see if he will turn his head and sure enough he still stayed staring forward. I just happened to be sitting in his direction he was staring at. I felt more comfortable. Now I realize that man may have been autistic and his nodding may have been his stimming.

Now that I look back---it was very long time ago---what's really weird is that I might not have been staring at the waitresses at all. Otherwise my friend would have said something at least once; he's been good at correcting me in situations like this. So I don't know what their deal was. But since waitresses tend to be attractive (more tips this way), my friend would say that bad service isn't personal. "Yeah right"; I just didn't want to argue.

Maybe it wasn't so much staring, but that stereotypical Asperger facial expression I had. A combination of emotionless, sad, and angry, which set off the "creeper" alert each time. Like the image of a guy forlornly sitting in a corner by himself, despite the fact that I was with my friend.

And no, I didn't know about AS back then. I discovered this site in 2005, and the bad service incidents happened before that. That year, I also lost my virginity. (Could they "read" that somehow?)

If the waiter/waitress is slow about refilling my tea or water, I'll generally get up and go find the tea or water and fill it myself.

In most cases, that really gets them upset. I guess it's because it makes them look bad to their boss if the customer is having to go get his own tea or water. One time and they are more attentive. In some cases, they would bring me my own pitcher full of tea or water.

Prior to that, if the glass had been empty for a few minutes, I'd start stacking things up at the very edge of the table or maybe hanging over a bit. They didn't like that either.

I've also got up and walked out of restaurants that were slow waiting on me.

The strangest time I've had was at an IHOP (International House of Pancakes). It wasn't very busy at the time. My younger brother kept trying to order a pizza, but they didn't have pizzas. He finally got up and left for a while. Later he tried to come back in with a pizza but the waitresses saw him and wouldn't let him bring the pizza into the IHOP. It turned out that he had gone to the pizza place next door and got a pizza to go.

Later I needed some coffee and I couldn't find a waitress anywhere. I got up and walked around looking for a waitress but the only employee in the building was the cook. I then looked outside in the parking lot and every waitress from the IHOP was sitting on the tailgate with my younger brother eating pizza and drinking beer.

Wow, I love these kind of impromptu deals. Even NT's, I think sometimes they can pull it off and sometimes they can't. Of course no human being on the face of the Earth is truly 'normal' and how boring a place it would be if we were!

I guess the waitresses weren't too pissed off with your brother trying to bring the pizza in, nor was he too pissed off with being told he couldn't. I guess basically took it in stride. I guess he offhanded asked if they would like a slice and/or mentioned he had some brewskis. And even asking in a winning casual manner, sometimes people say yes and sometimes they say no.

With my mother, who I sometimes think is even more on the Spectrum than I am, sometimes her voice is strident or too loud. Do you think this could have been part of it?

Of course, don't want to be whisper quiet like a Mafioso either.

No the lesson is about customer service and professionalism. It doesn't matter if he did something she thought was creepy. A waitress should never insult a customer.

Perhaps that's why I got treated better by staff in corporate chains, than in independent diners or trendy bistros. The former have strict rules on the code of conduct, pushed from the top down by the parent corporation. While both of the latter are pretty laissez-faire. Independent diners often hire family and friends, and won't readily fire them, barring blatant abuse or property damage. And trendy bistros want to keep up a cool image, and don't want socially awkward guys like me patronizing them, so they probably encourage staff to subtly deter them from returning.

Probably so, but still you were lucky if that was the case. I've gotten awful service in some chain restaurants.

Theoretically the independently owned restaurants should be MORE motivated to have good service, because they have a lot of competition from chains and it's a very risky business to be in anyway with a high rate of failure. But yeah they are more likely to have a lot of nepotism and some of those places can be really snobby.

The campaign in certain states where independently owned & operated, non-franchise restaurants & stores put up signs in the window stating "No gays allowed" or similar show that concept quite clearly. Corporations won't risk the bad PR, but depending on the local environment, keeping out anyone who might make local patrons uncomfortable can actually be very good for business.

Okay, #1 Have you ever worked food service? It absolutely sucks. I have never worked on a trash truck, but I would imagine it being only a little bit worse than working any kind of food service. I have worked food service, and I wasn't good at it. My face is way too expressive. :/

#2, Usually people who ask for difficult orders are difficult people. My husband always needs his orders altered (no onions as well!) and sometimes other alterations. Servers often cop an attitude with us when they're not familiar with us. In addition, we often get "typecast" for having a toddler. Usually people with kids trash their booth or table. We always wipe up the table and highchair and leave the plates in a neat pile. Why not make someone's day a little easier? They remember next time that we're nice and pay better attention to us.

#3, We ALWAYS overtip, no matter what the service. Then when we go back we're treated as Lord and Lady of the Restaurant. Try it next time. If it's a cheap place, give the server a 50% tip and see how you get treated next time you go in. Otherwise, 30%. What you're saying are "good" tips are not acceptable in my point of view. These people are scrapping for dollars. Your good tips has to make up for the next person's crappy tip, and the people who work at these places are struggling. I would only give a 15 or 25% tip if it was a really nice restaurant and frankly I wouldn't bother going to a nice restaurant. If it's like IHOP and the bill is $20, I would say a $6 tip would be minimum. If it's a $10 bill I would give $4-5.

I'm not saying it's okay for people to treat you rudely. Especially the thing about messing up your food. I would have wanted to throttle that waitress for that. I'm just saying that you should expect that these people are having the worst day of their lives when they cop an attitude. Some kindness from you, even when they don't deserve it, can go a long way. That has been our family method anyway, and it's usually successful.

I think this is extremely rude behaviour. "Trying to get a server's attention" is not acceptable in any restaurant. Be patient and wait for them to get to you. They know what they're doing and they're very busy. Treating servers like this is why you get bad service.

You can think what you like.

If the waiter is very good, you won't need to get their attention. Otherwise, you have every right to try. The only question of rudeness would be in the methods of getting their attention, not the fact that their lack of ability requires you to do so.