Pretending you are being watched

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Yes, it's always been difficult to feel like I'm truly on my own and unwatched. I even feel self-conscious on my own. As Starbuline said, I imagine that people I admire can see me and what I'm doing. Not just people I admire but also people who seem very neurotypical, to whom I must come over as a total geek and weirdo. People who are cooler than me I guess! I also feel looked at by photographs where the person is looking at the camera, and have actually been known to talk to them!

I get the same thing as Starbuline and Scrulie.
It makes me nervous though.

Odd. I'm trying to come up with a synthesis of everyone's thoughts, that makes some sense of it all.

Firstly, yes, I feel that people watch me. Sometimes it's really true. More to the point, I had watched them first, because I can't figure out how it it all "works". Who am I to now complain when they watch me back.

Secondly, I made a decision to "exhibit" myself a bit more. Nah! Not like that! I just mean not hiding in the corner all the time. Seeking attention. Making myself interesting, even. It surprised me that taking off my "Mr. Invisible" cloak wasn't a problem, after all. I still wear it a lot - it's comfy - but I don't need it.

Thirdly, (now, and finally, maybe) I've discovered AS. I suppose that has always attracted some attention. I try not to be self-conscious - it doesn't always work. I keep the curtains drawn - it's a choice. I'm thinking. I'm trying to stop reacting.

(I seem to have drifted a bit.)

Sometimes when I'm shopping or whatever I imagine I have someone with me and have conversations with them in my imagination. It feels like part of the same phenomenon, to me.

Ditto... I don't even like using my cell phone while I'm in a store because I think that someone might think I'm stealing something when I put it back in my pocket.

Scrulie & Starbuline, we are all just too much alike!! :) I've always felt I was being watched by my heroes, and I constantly have these running conversations in my head with people who aren't there. They're more like "rehearsals" of conversations. I rehearse conversations constantly in my mind, and I think it's because now I'm aware of how badly I communicate verbally sometimes. I think it's due to growing up with AS. It makes us feel so socially insecure and self-conscious, and maybe it helps to play this stuff in our head because it makes us feel more competent! I've always enjoyed these habits, even though I knew NTs probably didn't do this. Glad to know it's a common aspie thing!!

Yeah we've talked about the rehearsing thing too, on here in the past. It seems most of us do it! Oh and the postmortems after every social situation............I don't enjoy those much.

I don't really feel like being watched because I usually realise it in actual situations and stare at the person who's watching me. However I have this constant feeling when I walk, that someone is following me. I sometimes even have to look back to make sure there is nobody there... it freaks me out sometimes.

I do the conversation-in-the-head thing as well... it's much easier than actual social interactions... it makes me feel smarter at social situations, lol.

I believe this is not an AS specific trait because I have seen it in SA (Social Anxiety) peeps. I believe it is related to your anxiety. However because I think different from them the way I think about it might be slightly different. When you're isolated paranoia can pick up. I had it explained by a neuropsychologist guy. Basically healthily NT people who are not avoidant make little tiny observations all the time subconsciously. These observations are important in order to 'ground' and reassure the person that they are safe. If you’re out of the loop or preoccupied with internal thoughts you are not making these observations your mind looses touch with reality and you start to believes that you are not safe and you need to act accordingly. Sometimes I get a feeling of guilt that I have done something wrong. The worst is passport control/doormen waiting in line. Usually I have to hold my breath.

Though there is an ASD trait I heard about which I can relate to. This idea that you think people know what you’re doing, or lack of the idea that people don't know what your up to. I get this sometimes I'll be talking about something and they will be like what are you talking about. I forgot they don't know what I'm talking about I have to fill them in.

Anyway it doesn't mean you are schizophrenic. There are test for that I believe if you are worried.

Yeah, that's called Theory of Mind (ToM); aspies don't develop it naturally - we have to learn it the hard way. I struggle with it every day. So having AS gives us problems with ToM which then gives us SA...and a lot of other BS.

I remember when I was younger that I would always have in the back of my mind "how would I move/speak/act/look if [some girl I like] was watching?" It was as if I had to cultivate myself to be... "cool" enough for whoever may have ever been concerned at whichever time. Does that make sense?

I use to have this weird walk in high shcool where i would sub consciously manage to stand on my toes and walk...Although I never understood what people were laughing at for a while I finally understood and quite possibly started getting extremely paranoid about people looking at me...

Yup that makes perfect sense! It may not be someone I fancy, it could be someone i just feel inferior to in a social way.

Or even just the "in crowd" in general. Not the popular kids at high school or whatever, but the people that I myself thought were cool, prestigious, attractive, significant, etc.

Thats amazing, I do the "rehersal" thing too! I didn't know that anyone else did it, I thought it was just me being a weirdo. When I'm alone I imagine theres someone with me (sometimes its someone I know, other times its someone I just made up) and we're having a conversation. Sometimes I do it because I have a social situation coming up in the future that I'm nervous about and want to practice for, but other times I'm just lonely. What you said sounds exactly like me, I do it because I'm aware of how socially incompetent I appear to others and want to improve on it. But I'm not sure if these "rehersals" actually help or not.

Sunchild: Funny to see us four being so similar in this respect! I'll bet the person in your avatar shares some of these 'habits' of ours!