Do you hold grudges?

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Stealing that one.

My mother became an incredibly bitter woman after my father won custody when I was 3.5 and transferred at 4. Until I was 37 ALL I ever heard about was how bad my father was and how he 'paid people to lie about her' so he could get custody.
Well, if what she did to me was half as bad as what she did to my sisters when my stepfather (#2) died, it's amazing she wasn't thrown in jail for child neglect and forced to win any sort of visitation. Both times.
I finally told her at a Christmas dinner in front of EVERYBODY that it was time to let it go and I didn't want to hear it anymore. I also told a few minuscule things to let her know just how clear my memory was in case she wanted a debate. It was dropped. My stepfather (#5! sheesh....) cornered me later and asked me a few things. He was laughing at how I shut her down. He knew what a vengeful person she could be.

But, the point is that she lived on that hate and grudge. It was her go to position for pity. And it also conveniently glossed over the fact that my sisters' father put my mother in the hospital a few times. That was ok with her, but not ok that she got caught doing the things she did and lost custody. It twisted her mind, bent her psyche and made my life a living hell. Although, with age, I've come to realize that she was damaged and maybe not even at fault for her actions in some cases. But the grudge thing was her choice.

So, no, grudges are not good. It claims you and those around you.

I forgive, but I also remember so they don't get a second chance anymore. And, if you are conditioned to think bad things are going to happen, it takes a long time for it to go away, if it ever does.

Like I said, I'm stealing the above. It's just too true.

There are certain really bad people who I still hold grudges against. They don't care one bit about me, or what they've done to me, and I'm not going to forget it.

Are you holding onto the grudge or are you just not forgetting so that they can't take advantage of you again?

Indifference is my main revenge method. For example, ever since I graduated from high school, the morons have organized like 10 high school reunions (which says a lot about their lives, really), and I haven't even bothered attending them. Not even the prom. I blocked them all on Facebook. If I see them in the streets (Panama is a small country, but I rarely see them), I'd say hi and just keep walking. If they ignore me, I'd ignore them back. Two of them have died since 1987, and I still make it clear I don't give a damn. DO they remember me? Perhaps they don't. Perhaps they do.

People never change. You have to be careful of those you know are capable of harming you, and you also have to be careful with the people you call friends. Fortunately I work alone, so I don't have to worry about co-workers at all. I don't care about dating or relationships, fortunately, so I don't have to worry about arrogant or paranoid women saying I am annoying them, or harassing them. So the harm done to me is mostly 30 years old and older. Time to let go and make sure it doesn't happen again.

At about 40 I realized the best revenge is living well.

I have a real issue with this. It's more about people doing bad things to people I care about. I'm like an elephant I never forget. I hold grudges so much so that when the wrong doers have did the wrong to a friend, then they make peace I still hold a grudge. :0/

Hmm. I know how they are, and that they are not good people. I want nothing to do with them, and don't care what happens to them. I hold a lot of resentment towards these people. Unfortunately, I will continue to have to see them on occasion for many years. I'm not sure if that counts as holding a grudge. I wouldn't do anything bad to them, but I have no intention of being nice or friendly towards them.

I don't have a very good memory, which makes it hard to hold a grudge.

But even when I can remember how I was wronged, my approach is to avoid interactions with the person. I may move a person into my "creeps" column and leave them there. But I can't always remember exactly how they got there, and I'm not into revenge.

Do I hold grudges? Yes - for England. There have been three or four people whom I've cut out of my life for taking advantage of my social naivete, and I still ruminate over past slights and injustices that these people perpetrated on me even to this day. According to Tony Attwood's book this is common for aspies.

However, I realise that brooding obsessively about the past is counter-productive, as it doesn't cause my past adversaries to suffer and doesn't garner me any extra relief - plus, in the long term I got my revenge on most of them anyway. So onwards and upwards. I'm trying to train my brain not to obsess over the past and look strictly towards the present and the future instead.

Last edited by Bustduster on 02 Feb 2016, 1:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I notice a revenge fantasy going on, were all the popular kids are dumb jocks and the kids being bullied are the smartest kids in the universe. In my case that isn't true some kids that bullied me in high school were honor students. Some people just hope that after high school all the pretty and popular kids become losers, while it happens to some it doesn't happen to all and it can happen to you. It is some sort of "karma" they just expect to happen.

Just doing better should be your revenge, use all that anger and hatred to make yourself a better person. It can be a wake up point for some people.

Very rarely.

When someone I know does hold a grudge, it baffles me. For example, I know one guy who holds a grudge against me for something that happened in 1970 that I don't even remember! He says that I embarrassed him in front of a girl he liked.

I gotcha beat there....how about being in your 50's and hearing about stupid stuff you did at 15 or 16? From your Dad?!?!?!?

I stay upset until the person gets angry themselves, then I'm the first one to surrender.

Years ago, I was one of the largest stockholders in a high tech company with pretty good prospects.

Another company who owed us a lot of money tried to do an unfriendly takeover to take control of the company. I borrowed money to help fight the unfriendly takeover and it took me years to pay it off.

With the help of our chief engineer, they then managed to force us into bankruptcy and I nearly ended up in bankruptcy as well. If not for that, our company would likely be one of the largest in our field and I would probably have been worth quite a few million dollars by now.

I've long ago forgave the engineer. If he didn't live so far away, I'd go visit him just to see what he's been up to, but I don't travel that much any more.

But I've never forgiven the president of the other company. Of all the people I know, he and his partner are the only two people I hold a grudge against.

I did when i was frustrated with life but in general I don't, thou I may be careful around people.

I still hate Frankie to this day and honestly I wouldn't care if he got killed. He was someone who was abusive and treated his mother horrible and bullied kids in his school and lied to me portraying himself as a victim and bullying my brothers and he chopped up my parents hammock they got in Mexico and he kept throwing an as at my brothers.

But yet that other boy who tossed chairs in my class, I don't feel any anger for him even if he had gotten me into trouble several times with his lies. Let's just say I got back at him unintentionally a year later and I call that karma. I have no guilt over what I did because of what kind of kid he was. I had guilt for a while but then I got over it because I justified it. why feel bad over something you did if that person deserved it? He was a liar, got me in trouble several times the year before, he was not a very nice kid and he would pinch us or hit and make excuses for it so why feel bad?