what does it mean when a NT reads in between the lines

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League_Girl
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07 Feb 2016, 6:23 pm

GodzillaWoman wrote:
I understand "reading between the lines" to mean the meaning hidden beneath what is said verbally. It is implied content without being expressed out loud. NTs look for this a lot, and I think it leads to a lot of misunderstandings between NTs as well, because they see meaning that is not intended, or misunderstand the meaning.

Here is an example:
I was visiting my brother and sister-in-law. I was searching through their kitchen for a glass for a glass of water. I thought it might be rude to rummage through their things, and called out to my SIL, who was in the living room, "where do you keep your drinking glasses?" She got mad at me and shouted, "Do you really expect us to wait on you because you had a bad childhood?" (we'd been talking about our childhoods recently). I was astounded--I only wanted to know the location of the drinking glasses, because in my kitchen and my Mom's, we can tell you where everything is. Granted, SIL had some paranoia issues going on, but it was one of those weird things where I say "X," and someone hears "X, Y, Z, and f&*k you!"

I've found that "read between the lines" can be about body language too--there had been a bunch of times when I've been somewhere with friends and then later one of them would say something like, "oh, that guy was really flirting with you!!" And I had NO clue.



Sounds like your SIL has a mental issue because I have never seen an NT interpret it that way. Instead they would just tell you where they keep them. But you did say she has some paranoia issues.


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ToughDiamond
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07 Feb 2016, 6:34 pm

Joe90 wrote:
When people aren't blunt you have to read between the lines, because sometimes being blunt with someone can upset a person more than the same opinion or fact being non-verbally mentioned.

Like if an overweight person announced they were on a diet, saying, "well yes you are so fat you do need to lose weight!" will sound nasty, but if you say something like give them helpful tips on how to eat healthier and suggest low fat foods, you're still implying that you agree they're fat and it's about time they diet, but it sounds much nicer and less upsetting. But you have to say it in a nice way, not in a critical way. But you can only say it if they tell you openly that they are going on a diet, and if what you're reading between the lines is "I am overweight so I am going to diet."

That's how most social interaction works.


I see, thanks :-) I used to think that the diplomatic version was meant to deceive the listener into thinking that they weren't actually considered to be fat or whatever, so I'd work out what they meant and then feel offended because of the "dishonest" way they'd presented it. I guess that's the saving grace about many NT lies, i.e. they don't expect to be believed. My bluntness has mellowed tremendously over the years, I'm sure I still say blunt things occasionally by accident, but consciously these days I usually take a lot more care how I word things, though I still feel like a charlatan for doing it in a way. At work years ago a couple of guys asked me if I wanted to go to a seminar, most of those folks loved seminars, and my gut reaction was "no way, get off my back" (they were seeming a tad coercive about it and I find seminars very painful because of my attention is impaired), and I had to think fast to concoct a plausible response to get me off the hook, to which one of them said "you should have been a diplomat." I felt bad about that, I felt he was exposing my lie, perhaps to soften me up for next time they tried it, but they didn't try again, so I guess the most likely thing is that they were happy with my response and I may have been quite wrong to think myself under attack. The top brass did occasionally put pressure on everybody to go to these things, because they wanted more bums on seats to make the speaker look good even if he wasn't, so I had rational grounds for suspicion.



FireyInspiration
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07 Feb 2016, 11:57 pm

I always thought of it like a script, which may be where it comes from.

The "lines" of a play or movie script are the dialogue, what is said. Translate this over to a conversation, the lines are simply the things people say to you.

In the same script, between the lines there will be things such as stage directions, often giving a deeper insight to what the character is actually thinking. *Bob lowers his shoulders and his voice turns weak* wells you a lot more than the dialogue of Bob saying "yeah, its okay".



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07 Feb 2016, 11:58 pm

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Note as well. When NT's communicate with you, they will assume that you are implying unspoken things too. They will try to "read between" the lines that you say, even though you do not intend any hidden meaning. It's incredibly hard for an NT person to understand that we don't communicate that way.

So if there is a misunderstanding with an NT person, don't assume that it was you that got it wrong - it's just as likely that they misread your intentions.

Argh, this is so true. And it pisses me off. Because even if it is them who misinterprets me, somehow it always ends up me in trouble. As if their misinterpretations were my fault. I'm the one who had to deal with unwanted fallout of someone else's interpretations. This happens an alarming amount to me when people read sexual subtext where there isn't any. They will assume I'm either coming into them or inviting them to come onto me just by being friendly. It sucks because I feel I have to restrict how friendly I am to people just so they don't read SEX! SEX! SEX! Into absolutely everything.


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GodzillaWoman
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08 Feb 2016, 12:21 am

League_Girl wrote:
Sounds like your SIL has a mental issue because I have never seen an NT interpret it that way. Instead they would just tell you where they keep them. But you did say she has some paranoia issues.

That's good to know... I always wondered how we managed to clash so much. She was always reading something into whatever I said, like I was giving her bad attitude. She also was constantly worried that my brother was cheating on her. And she thought Jesus was her ancestor, that her dad was a war hero that captured Anzio instead of being a drunk, and that she had inherited magical powers. So. Maybe not a good example. :?


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marcb0t
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08 Feb 2016, 12:52 am

GodzillaWoman wrote:
League_Girl wrote:
Sounds like your SIL has a mental issue because I have never seen an NT interpret it that way. Instead they would just tell you where they keep them. But you did say she has some paranoia issues.

That's good to know... I always wondered how we managed to clash so much. She was always reading something into whatever I said, like I was giving her bad attitude. She also was constantly worried that my brother was cheating on her. And she thought Jesus was her ancestor, that her dad was a war hero that captured Anzio instead of being a drunk, and that she had inherited magical powers. So. Maybe not a good example. :?

What you describe about your SIL sounds like symptoms of Schizophrenia or related disorders. Magical thinking, delusions of grandeur, and paranoia are some classic symptoms.
Yeah this is abnormal behavior for even an NT. In fact, I'm certain that most NT's would have some not so nice things to say about your SIL's response to you.
Perhaps read up on schizophrenia to gain more understanding of this situation?


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GodzillaWoman
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08 Feb 2016, 1:05 am

marcb0t wrote:
GodzillaWoman wrote:
League_Girl wrote:
Sounds like your SIL has a mental issue because I have never seen an NT interpret it that way. Instead they would just tell you where they keep them. But you did say she has some paranoia issues.

That's good to know... I always wondered how we managed to clash so much. She was always reading something into whatever I said, like I was giving her bad attitude. She also was constantly worried that my brother was cheating on her. And she thought Jesus was her ancestor, that her dad was a war hero that captured Anzio instead of being a drunk, and that she had inherited magical powers. So. Maybe not a good example. :?

What you describe about your SIL sounds like symptoms of Schizophrenia or related disorders. Magical thinking, delusions of grandeur, and paranoia are some classic symptoms.
Yeah this is abnormal behavior for even an NT. In fact, I'm certain that most NT's would have some not so nice things to say about your SIL's response to you.
Perhaps read up on schizophrenia to gain more understanding of this situation?

I might... my brother divorced her a long time ago and he's since deceased, so she is thankfully no longer in my life. My only concern is it showing up in their kids.


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09 Feb 2016, 8:12 am

GodzillaWoman wrote:
I was visiting my brother and sister-in-law. I was searching through their kitchen for a glass for a glass of water. I thought it might be rude to rummage through their things, and called out to my SIL, who was in the living room, "where do you keep your drinking glasses?" She got mad at me and shouted, "Do you really expect us to wait on you because you had a bad childhood?" (we'd been talking about our childhoods recently).

Many times, NTs will use "reading between the lines" as an opportunity to emotionally punch us in the gut, as a superiority thing of sorts. This is a perfect example. Having wised up (and embittered) over the years, I watch my words with the precision of a criminal defense attorney, so that the opportunities to "read between the lines" are almost nonexistent.

In your case, I'd have made an deliberately fake-looking smile, and said "yes" in a highly sarcastic tone. Just to show how groundless their accusations are. But what do I know: I'm just an aspie who has no empathy. (See what I did there?)



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09 Feb 2016, 1:06 pm

Assuming is not knowing, and the confusion is dangerous.

Nobody "reads" between lines.
Some people "put" things between lines when reading (more or less what they want...).

I prefer reading only THE lines and even though, i am cautious because words are unprecise, because words represent our personal experience of something:
Like when you hear "a house", you see something according to your experience.
Another person would see something else. (not to speak of abstract concepts and ways of speaking...)