How to tell my friend he's an aspie?

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Apart from the question about whether telling your friend this is kind, helpful, appropriate, or responsible,
there's another issue to think of.

Which is: how much do you value this friendship?

And is it a real friendship at all if you are trying to fix or correct or diagnose or rescue your friend?

Or do you maybe have some reason to like feeling more normal or knowing?
Friends like acceptance, fun, doing things together, good conversation and all sorts of other things.
But being diagnosed isn't on the list of what most of us want from friends. Shakespeare got it when he said 'love is not love which alters when it alteration finds.'

No matter how much you might feel that it's the right thing to do, you need to consider whether the
friendship will survive this. It's perfectly possible to be a wonderful and supportive friend by letting your
friend be as they are and you being the best and most supportive pal you can be.

Many people did a lot of those suggestion to me: films, conferences, books about how to be polite.
(i watched the films, went to conferences about Asperger, did not read the ""stupid"" book).
i knew something was different with me but i made absolutely NO link with me (although i liked a lot the films characters, and liked the conferences as well).

I only started to look for a diagnose when i was said "i - think - you - are - Asperger"
i would at first not really believe it could be true.
Maybe suggestion would work with other Aspergers, but i doubt it as many Asperger never understand "gentle way", or suggestions, only understand things literally, what is said, nothing more.

However, i consider it is indeed a good idea to try the gentle way, who knows?
But if he comes back after the film, saying: "thanks, nice film, i liked it", this means he did NOT understand.

PS:Aspergers do NOT find it rough when you say things directly, it is their way to talk, and they expect you to do the same.

Laetiblabla, I think you are generalizing from your personal experience with Aspergers, to everybody's experience with Aspergers. That's an understandable mistake, and I've made that type of mistake many times myself. But not all people with Aspergers are alike. "If you've seen one Aspie ... you've seen one Aspie."

Shakespeare, wrote Romeo and Juliette
They both give their life in name of loving the other.

love not having only sexual meaning, it is also part of friendship

In this situation, no such risk the OP will gain a friend for life by telling him.
That was my case when this person told me. If that person one day has a problem, i will be there, because this person simply saved my life by telling me.

Sorry if i look like insisting, but a life, to my opinion, is important.

Well, everybody will tell you that Aspergers understand things litterally,
(OP confirming this symptom, at least, in the description)

ps: i wouldn't have this arrogance to say "you are making mistakes".

And yet, you have the arrogance to say or at least imply that I am arrogant.

Unless you are a doctor, you do not know he has AS. You may suspect he has it but you don't know. If he is as self conscious as you say he seems then hearing he has a medical condition that can cause him to have severe problems with social skills can be overwhelming and devastating. It could feel hopeless.

I was diagnosed as an adult but some friends helped me learn to start acting normal when I was around his age. It took years and tons of work but within several years I came across as pretty much normal, all without a diagnosis from a licensed physician or a teenage friends hunch. You can help him without overstepping and attempting to diagnose him.

If you insist on bringing it up anyway, even with all the advice from adults that you have received, then I'd suggest talking to him about yours and asking him if he thinks he could have it. Tell him you think he might. Also be sure to tell him that since neither of you are doctors and both of you are teenagers that the only way for him to know for sure is to see a doctor, and if he wants to find out then to talk to his parents about it.

If you would rather talk to his parents instead of him, that might be the best solution for all. That way you get to tell somebody your diagnosis of him, the possibility that he may have AS is brought to the attention of adults, and he doesn't have to deal with worrying whether or not he's got a condition that is going to make things ten times as hard for him.

Whatever you do, do not try and pronounce a diagnosis on him and attempt to convince him he has it and to let you treat it and teach him how to handle his symptoms based on what your doctor told you and you found on Google. That's a very teenager thing to do, and probably very tempting. But do not do it.

^^ If you tell everybody but the Asperger, he is an Asperger, everybody will look at him even worse, and he will still not know why and then feel even worse.

Why are people sooo much frightened to say the truth and speak to people directly?
Appart from the fact of "telling an Asperger he has Asperger", this lying behaviours generates a lot of very awkward situations.
NTs usually like to live in this "parallele" world, aside from the truth. This parallele world is not the real world where Aspergers live. We live in truth, honnesty and facts.

And truth is OP strongly suspects that his friend is Asperger, he is not sure (this he can simply say aswell) but he knows the symptoms, his friend does not know it, he is close to nervous breakdown because he is spending a lot of energy trying to fit in and cries because he does not understand why.

The person who needs to know is this friend, nobody else.

Some people here are kind of supporting what i name above as "parallel world of lies". Aspergers would NEVER do that, because not living in that world.

This also leads me to wonder :
Who is strongly supporting lie : Asperger, AS ??? / or NT for whatever reason
Which Asperger would support lying to an other Asperger, knowing that this trait is the most important to know about yourself when you are Asperger and all late diagnosed regret not knowing earlier.

Now , i said what needed to be said, i will not continue to defend this poor friend from WP NT lying club. NT believe to much in lies. I want to let them live in their lying parallel world and peacefully play cello in my bubble.

Have a nice day.

I just want to make a very simple comment since my earlier post about what this might do to your friendship has been forgotten.

You cannot tell your friend that he is an Aspie because you are not in a position to diagnose him. Diagnosis can
only be done by experienced professionals. And it takes a long time and involves a lot of stuff because other
things can produce some ASD traits.

You are not a psychologist experienced in diagnosis. That's fundamental and is entirely separate from everything else.

It seems that your wish to tell him has to do with your ideas about being a supportive friend. But your friend has not asked you to fix him, change him, diagnose him, or solve his life.
Can you channel your wish to help in a way that responds to his request?

A lot of people do not seem to remember that 14 year olds are not small children, but teens and are able to handle a lot.
If you (OP) think your friend has AS, you can tell him " i think you have AS" (or "symptoms of AS" or however you wanna say it). No, you can not diagnose him but you can see symptoms and characteristics of AS in him. I would not say "you have AS" i would say "i think you have AS". BUT since you are not me you can say whatever you want.

I think you (beaArthur) are being arrogant, and not remembering that 14 year olds are in fact not babies, and are able to handle a lot, especially if it has anything to do with themselves.

You are correct in the fact that no, one teenager cannot diagnose his friend, but saying that he can not recognize the symptoms/characteristics of AS is wrong.

It's better to help him with his social skills, and tell him YOUR experiences with Aspergers. You don't have to mention that HE might have Aspergers.

Let him tell YOU that he might have it, based upon feeling a commonality with YOU.

I've seen full-grown adults who don't handle the news that they have Aspergers too well.

Imagine what would occur with a sensitive 14 year old young person?

It's true: he might handle it well; then again, he might not. I feel it's best to be intelligent about this situation.

Thanks! He likes the big bang theory

It often puzzles me when people rather ask random people from the internet, who are unfamiliar with many details and the context of the situation, over talking to who you actually consider your friend, a person you are supposed to be able to talk about everything with. I don't know, it just does. No one here has the answer because no one knows your friend and how your relationship works, what the best approach is for your specific situation etc. Just because someone is an "aspie" doesn't mean he is a clone of every other aspie. It's a condition or disability, not a cut-out plan for a character. Your friend is still an individual.

Personally I prefer the approach of "letting them find out" and maybe giving them the tools to, rather than diagnosing them or "treating" them without explaining what you're thinking. Personally I think that's how you treat pets not people. Like, why don't you ask him to take the aspie quiz for example?

That's a good start, it gives you something to build on. But please take note of the advice you've had from people on this thread: you're not a clinician (any more than the rest of us are), so you're in no position to diagnose him as having AS or any other condition, and to do so might harm him as well as destroying your friendship. Try and steer him gently towards a better understanding of himself, drop subtle hints that will make him ask the question of himself and perhaps seek professional advice. Maybe you could talk to him about your own experience of Aspergers. All this will take time - and I mean months or even longer, not days.

BTW, are you in the UK?