When NTs say "oh I'm like that too"

Post Reply New Topic

"The ASD/NT conversation" - this graphic says a lot!

http://www.autismempowerment.org/commun ... flections/

It's what skibum said. Thanks skibum for explaining this so well. I meant to say exactly those things but couldn't.

I was mostly referring to family members I know aren't autistic. I wasn't formally diagnosed but a therapist recognized the traits. It is possible someone else in my family is an aspie or a borderline case (I suspect at least two of them), but when I talk to them they don't say their issues are as bad as mine. The other family member, however, is definitely NT and she is an invalidating person overall since she seems to have little understanding of others around her and thinks everybody should be like her. I suspect she has a low empathy level.

It's exhausting cause it seems that if you aren't like Rain Man people don't take you seriously and often not even therapists are able to recognize the milder cases on the spectrum. This results in family thinking I simply have an annoying personality when instead, I have real difficulties. When I tell them not to scream or talk too loudly because it's physically painful for me, when I tell them to close the curtains cause it's too bright for me outside and it hurts my eyes I am not simply being annoying or needy or spoiled. It's because those things really hurt my ears and eyes.

Please don't assume that every neurotypical who is shy or sensitive to sounds is a possible Aspie or an Aspie in disguise.

Please admit that neurotypicals can lack empathy too.

Well said, crazybunnylady. Their actions speak otherwise. This is what I see too.

I have the whole social issues, communication issues , special interests and obsessions, stims, routines and sensory issues package. It feels like I have more than just a few traits. Too bad no psychologist can come live with me for a while to see how I really act outside of a small and comfy therapist office, there outside in the wild world. Too bad my communication issues prevent me from expressing myself well in front of a therapist, so I have to write pages and pages.

Not being able to find someone who is good enough to recognize my struggles and what they mean is very frustrating. This is how so many people are undiagnosed and misunderstood and get no help.

I know what you are saying and I agree. First of all, I did not have a diagnosis until a year and a half ago but I have been Autistic and Misophonic all my life and have struggled severely with my issues all my life. And not every one who struggles with some of these issues is Autistic. So breaking it down between Autistic and NT was a big generalization. The breakdown might have been better put as people who really struggle with these things and are impaired by them and people who feel these things but are not impaired by them. Like for example, someone can be annoyed by a sound but it won't impair them or cause them to become completely dysfunctional or physically affect them like with actual physical pain. And others, like me, might become so affected by it that it could cause my body to become physically ill or pass out and I can become completely unable to function at all. It can cause me to have such severe meltdowns that I have had concussions from them. So maybe Autistic vs NT was not the best way to say it but there is a huge difference in conversing with someone who experiences things at the levels that we experience them and someone who does not have a clue.

So yeah, some people can relate, yes to what League Girl said as well earlier but I don't think those are the people that the OP was talking about. I think Crazy Lady says it well when she says, "it's a totally different vibe if someone is actually genuinely relating to you or if it's just an NT trying to reassure or dismiss you."

Last edited by skibum on 26 May 2016, 7:49 am, edited 1 time in total.

I, definitely, don't assume that every shy neurotypical is a possible Aspie/Autistic.

I'm just placing the possibility on the table.

I'm not particularly shy (though I was when I was younger). And I'm on the Spectrum.

I like to point out to people who say this that if everyone was on the Spectrum, Autism would not exist.

Glad I could help Nicola. Like you said, Nicola, people who genuinely suffer from these issues tend to be honest about them. For example, Autistic people, or fellow suffering people even if they might not be Autistic, talking to each other will say, "I struggle this way with sound or touch or texture. I don't struggle to the degree that you do in this area but I understand that you really struggle with it." Or, "Wow, you really struggle with it much more or much less than I do but here is how it affects me." A person who is just trying to dismiss you or to make themselves feel better by trying to "reassure" you, it's really about making themselves feel better, not you, will argue with you and insist that they can relate to you and that they completely understand how you feel even though it is 100% obvious that they have absolutely no idea just like in the example that Crazy Lady posted.

People who really understand will acknowledge, validate and support you in these conversations. People who don't understand will invalidate, dismiss and be condescending.

Last edited by skibum on 26 May 2016, 8:06 am, edited 1 time in total.

NTs have no idea what they're talking about. And why would they? They perceive the world almost completely differently than we do.

That is why it is so infuriating to have these conversations with some of them who insist that they know what we go through. The infuriating part is that most of the time, in what I have experienced in these conversations, is that the reason they are telling me that they "understand" and that they "feel the same way" is because they want or need me to be less affected and to be able to get over it. Like in the example that Crazy Lady said with the alarm going off in the classroom, if the teacher was really affected by the noise, she would have requested that the alarm be fixed or used a different room. She would not have been able to tolerate being in that room at all just like CL could not tolerate it. But if she says that she "understands" that gives her a justification to feel better about herself and to expect CL to be able to stay in the classroom just like she can.

Most of the time when "NSA's" say these things to me, I will use NSA (Not Seriously Affected people) rather than just generalizing NT's, it is because they want me to be able to handle the situation like they do and not be affected by it. Usually because my being affected by it and my extreme response is inconvenient for them or annoying to them or embarrassing for them. For example if I am severely affected by a sound, I have to get away from that sound. Sometimes getting away from that sound means that the person who is with me might have to go with me like if we are driving in my car or something like that. Or we might have to separate. If the person who is with me finds that inconvenient or annoying or if he or she is embarrassed by my covering my ears or having a meltdown, he or she might say, "Oh, I am sensitive too," implying that I should be able to be handle the situation as well because s/he is sensitive and can handle it. That expectation is absolutely rude. It just makes you look like an attention seeker or a drama queen or a spoiled brat who just needs to get her way all the time.

Last edited by skibum on 26 May 2016, 8:56 am, edited 3 times in total.

I generally don't take people seriously when they make that statement. Unless they actually have been diagnosed its basically just a load of crap that people will say just to make it sound like they know about something.

HAHA!

That's sort of like when something awful happens to you and someone else says, "I understand what you're going through." It's pretty presumptive and rude.

So that was the first thing I wanted to say.

Second, I think Kraftie's point was really important. A lot of people are either passing, or haven't yet realized that they are on the spectrum.

Third, although it IS a presumptive and rude thing to say, it's also kind of a "stupid person" thing to say. I know this is going to sound pretty awful, but some people just aren't enlightened and I don't know if they can be. There's a girl that lives a couple doors down from me. She lives in an almost identical house to mine and also has small children. Also has visible tattoos and long hair. We are both neurotypical. So maybe in superficial ways she's similar to me.

But she's always doing thoughtless things with her animals and kids that leaves them in danger. I think the things she does are cruel. Such as not getting her pit bull neutered and always leaving her fence open so he runs through the neighborhood. Eventually he'll hurt someone and it will be her fault, not the dog's fault. I wouldn't try to educate this particular person about autism, because I don't think she's the sort of person who would ever care. I would expect her to say "I'm like that too" and not really put any more thought into it.

It's important to remember stuff like this~! When I spend oh about more than 10mins with my family in one sitting- I am reminded of how dismissive and horrible and lacking in empathy they are about such things- but then I read stuff like this, and I remember the problem is NOT in me asking for their understanding, but in their refusal to see and acknowledge anything that doesn't fit their mental schema what I should and shouldn't do and how I should and shouldn't react to things.

Personally, I hate it when NTs do that oh so NT thing of "Oh, it'll all just be fine"
or "Well at least you have XYZ" or "I know what you mean"
Like: " Oh, gee, that's for that f*****g comparison! SO helpful." then I look them in the face and retort and a moment has passed: "And notice how- you saying that... did abso-fucking-lutely nothing!"
admittedly I rarely say that because it makes me feel better- but they don't get the humor.

Erm, sorry already in advance, but: those many people who are 'self-diagnosed' (yes, I admit, I have problems with that term) here with ASD, isn't it statistically likely that at least a part of them are in fact actually that: NTs saying 'Oh, I'm like that, too'? I mean, I just think if one finds it okay that people diagnose themselves with a condition one can't take issue so much with NTs saying they can relate to some trait either.

Schlumpfikus: Probably. But I think that most people who are actually SEEKING these things are more likely to at least be ND, if not on the spectrum. So while they may not have 100% similarity to 'us', they have some understanding.

But again, that goes along the same thought that they are sharing in their experiences and not trying to diminish or dismiss ours.