Why did my therapist act like Captain Obvious, and not help?

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I grew up believing in that concept of "verbal self-defence", only to find, time and time again, that I could never seem to pull it off. I'm pretty sure there's no such thing—you can't change power dynamics by arguing with those who get to make the decisions. To them, defeating you is as simple as not listening to you, no matter how reasonable you might be, because they don't need to be reasonable with you. This applies to a playground bully with the strength to beat the crap out of you, too: he, and he alone, decides when your bones stay in one piece and when they don't. You are completely powerless before him, so anything you may have to say doesn't matter.



So that's what they do. They won't tell you the plain truth that you can't succeed in your situation with mere words—or at all, for that matter—so, instead, they ramble and blame whatever they want on you. When you finally realize your problem isn't going to be solved, they won't miss the chance to further degrade you by dismissing your understanding as paranoia. You can only lose, and you will.

I think that was the reason my therapy sessions were as bad as I'm making them out to be. She had the power to push the "feelings" and "empathy" onto me, and I had no ability---not to mention was simply afraid---to push back with: "Why are you parroting my feelings back to me? What do I actually DO about feeling bad?" Instead, I'd just mumble "yeah, OK", and go off on a tangent into video games and science. My therapist viewed it as a form of personal sharing (which made her feel like I'm making progress), and I got to ramble about an enjoyable topic, so it was a nice diversion tactic. Still, I wish she had given me verbal self-defense ideas. Because I was at a point where I kept suicide plans, with flowcharts like the ones computer programmers use, hidden in my desk drawer.

Come to think of it, you're right. But why wouldn't my therapist just tell me the cold, harsh truth?! (There's even a Russian proverb: "A bitter truth is better than a sweet lie.") Perhaps she suspected I was suicidal (only without my admission, had no proof), and didn't want to inadvertently give me the final push in that direction. Still, by "empathizing" with me and talking about feeling better "in the long run", all the did is make me turn to alcohol as a way of soothing my pain, at age 12, mind you.

To add to the above paragraphs, when you're little, EVERYBODY has authority differential over you. It's like the boot camp, where everyone outranks you, and your fellow recruits' loyalty is to the sergeant, not you. For therapy to work 100%, there can't be a noticeable authority differential (save for insurance-related stuff). But how do you serve the needs of child patients? Have children working as therapists? Can't do that in today's world. And it's doubly difficult for someone like me, who was told as a child that adults are always right.

Last edited by Aspie1 on 24 Aug 2016, 9:12 am, edited 1 time in total.

Nobody knows anything about Autism, so you are on your own to figure out coping mechanisms.

Yes. It's a flaw of a large-group high-trust society, families have to be able to trust education and medical personel with their children, who don't have the maturity, experience, and mental processes yet to navigate society. But if a bad apple or a bad idea gets in the education/medical process, the high-trust part backfires.

In the instant case, the therapist made a very material omission in her "treatment", no matter what official ethical standards she may or may not have been subject to, no board or court will ever adjudicate such a case. A high-trust small-group young child is unlikely to be able, under the circumstances, to be able to deal with such an extreme power differential, and society will back that therapist and everyone behind her to the end, unless she is caught in an extreme divergence from social or professional norms.

The same exact principal applies to the case of a bad teacher or school mistreating a child, particularly the Neurodiverse. Without an outside strong social structure behind the child, the child is.........in trouble. In our age of social atomization and weak non-state social institutions, things can turn bleak indeed.

Much of what has been posted in this thread rings very true. Dealing with psychotherapists can be frustrating. Recently I've been seeing a young psychologist, who although quite empathetic (for an NT) and intelligent, lacked the experience to be of any help. After about eight rather futile sessions, things came to a head when she wrote an interim assessment and completely misinterpreted a lot of what I'd told her. So I said that I wasn't coming to any more sessions: it wasn't personal, but she didn't have the experience to deal with my case. I then spoke to her immediate superior and said I needed someone more senior - which has now been arranged. And this is the UK Health Service, which is free, so I don't have any financial hold over them. Sometimes it pays to be awkward, and stand up for yourself.

Another major problem that people with AS often have with psychotherapists is one of intelligence. Psychologists may be trained professionals, but they're not necessarily very clever or intuitive. So if they're faced with someone who is highly intelligent - and many people on the spectrum have considerable intellectual gifts and are also extremely articulate - the therapy isn't going to work. There's an essential mismatch. We tend to have a working knowledge of psychology, and ask intelligent questions to which they probably don't have the answers, or they lack the initiative to step outside the confines of their clinical brief.

Maybe that's what Aspie1 was up against?

Mmmmm. I just started seeing a therapist. After only two sessions, it is obvious that she overestimates my abilities, just like everyone else. I said I have trouble with communication, and she told me I seem to be communicating just fine. Of course! There's one of her, not ten, in a nice, little room, and she agrees with almost everything I say! Gaaah. Whereas at my last job interview the recruiter asked me directly whether I have some social difficulties.

Even if you’re really so much smarter than the psychologist, they can always refuse to acknowledge it and treat you like an idiot. It’s a privilege of authority figures. Besides, noöne needs to be able to answer your questions if they can make you regret asking them.

Precisely. I already knew I felt bad when my family walked all over me. I didn't need yet another authority figure---which is exactly what I perceived my therapist to be---to rub that in my face. Also, I remember asking for "happiness pills", which was my way of referring to antidepressants at the time, as I didn't know the proper term. She deflected all my suggestions at taking them, and instead gave me a laundry list of "natural mood-elevation techniques", liking looking in the mirror and complimenting myself. While they sounded good on paper, I knew damn well they weren't going to work, especially when your family walks all over you every chance they get. To stop feeling depressed, I needed something medical. After I learned I wasn't going to get the "happiness pills", I found a "happiness pill" of my own: alcohol.

Unlike the "compliment myself in the mirror" crap, a swig of whiskey, followed by pouring water into the bottle, made me feel happiness within seconds. To this day, I generally stay away from any "natural" medication for ailments, unless I research the hell out of it and determine beyond a shadow of doubt that it will work. The stronger the chemical components, the more I trust it, side effects be damned.

Last edited by Aspie1 on 24 Aug 2016, 11:35 am, edited 2 times in total.

I think that the lack of therapists with a lot of innate book-learning intelligence is a great unspoken truth. I don't trust a therapist who isn't smarter than I. And since I don't have the financial means to hire someone at $200 a session, who doesn't take insurance, I'm not going to get that, generally. I tend to be way smarter than anyone I reach out to for help and it leads to a certain amount of disdain when I see ways in which they just aren't keeping up with me.

Well, as I heard it, complimenting yourself in the mirror has turned out to actually make people feel worse, not better. This is the stuff of self-help books, not serious psychology.

I also heard about a metastudy that showed that antidepressants have little or no effect on teenagers other than increasing suicide risk. Your therapist was being responsible in not introducing you to drugs at a young age. On the other hand she generally sounds badly educated, and not very knowledgeable of autism.

This perhaps where the cultural difference shows up, but I'm a bit horrified at the way doctors in the US throw pills around to treat emotional problems.

somanyspoons - a very good point. I think it applies to a lot of people with AS. Many psychologists simply absorb their (admittedly quite extensive) training and then try and fit various conceptualisations onto those they are meant to be helping. As they gain experience they might learn to be more empathetic, but this is by no means always the case.

My psychologist suggested cognitive behaviour therapy (I have borderline personality disorder as well as being on the spectrum), but when I replied that the UK Health Service uses CBT a lot because it's cheap, and doesn't require a qualified psychologist, she had the decency to look embarrassed and agree.

From what people are saying here, and from those I know IRL, psychotherapy is of limited use for people with AS, unless you're lucky and find a psychologist who's on your wavelength.

ASpie1 - do be careful with drinking. I know what you mean, but take it easy.

It's a very well-known therapist technique. It's supposed to make the patient feel heard and understood, so that they'll relax and speak even more openly. That, in turn, will (hopefully) allow the therapist to discover the deeper source of their problems.
It's not a technique developed with autistic people in mind, obviously. So, it's like playing fetch with a cat.

Psychotherapy is a complete waste of time. It's left over from a time before they had the biochemical knowledge we have now. Save your money.

How is this supposed to work for NTs? I mean, just consider...
Patient: "My family puts me down frequently."
Therapist: "You feel bad when they do that."
Patient: "Yeah, and?"
Therapist: ...

What's the "correct" NT way to react to these "empathetic statements"? What do I say to keep the conversation flow? I'm pretty sure it's not "Yeah, and?". How would an NT patient respond to "empathetic statements"? NT members, I realize you catch a lot of heat on this forum, but your opinion will be very welcome here.

I think I very much agree. I remember seeing a psychiatrist (male) as an adult. Here's how it panned out.
Aspie1: "My boss treats me badly and verbally abuses me. I'm experiencing this and that."
Doctor: "That's anxiety. And your boss is a moron. I will prescribe you medication."
Aspie1: "Thank you."
Doctor: "Good luck on your recovery."

Simple. Honest. Straightforward. No platitudes. No ridiculous suggestions. I'm very glad I'm an adult, and get to take the "good stuff", as opposed to relying on ineffective "natural" techniques. I started taking the medication, and after the first dose kicked in, I immediately felt better. Better than from alcohol, even.

For sure. Me too.
I think talking about bad stuff that happened is a waste of time. It's putting good energy to bad use. Better to look forward and to new things.

Ok.....I'm feeling a bit stupid here. How exactly did the medication help you? Did you change jobs, or did the medication help you to not feel bad about the abuse ? If so, is there a point where you can stop taking the medication?