How to say things like "Take your time" without being rude?

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Thanks for the reply, what is this score you all have on the bottom of your replies
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
where does that come from?

Also which thread are you talking about people not wanting answers, I keep wondering about that

OK, I wasn't aware that it was specifically being discussed as: "used belligerently in arguments", I thought we were just discussing the general use. In arguments most, everything is taken as an insult, but in the general non-argumentative context I can't see anything rude about it. I mean I can't see anything inherently rude about asking it. I'm a developer and I ask my clients this on a regular basis and they just tell me, and then I give them an ETA. In fact, it often lightens their mood, they giggle a bit, I expect they are relieved to get someone who can solve their problem.

If I tell you a problem that I am having and you say to me "What do you want me to do about it?", its obvious (to NTs) that I am telling you my problem in hopes that you can solve it for me. By saying the "What do you want me to do about it", its a rude way of saying you don't have the answer to my problem, therefore I am bothering you and wasting your time. If I have to tell you what I want you to do about it, then I already know the answer and wouldn't be asking you in the first place.

Its hard for me to dissect it, because I just naturally know its rude. If I try to break it down on why its rude, it feels weird and doesn't make much sense to me as to why its wrong.

Last edited by nurseangela on 14 Jan 2017, 6:11 am, edited 3 times in total.

Im laughing because in the context that you are saying it in your job, it would be ok to say it like you do. I can see why you guys get confused.

In fact, it probably relieves them by letting them be more in control of the situation of what they want done and it would make you sound like no matter what it is that needs to be done you can do it.

Wait, they could be giggling too because they might think it should be obvious of what you should do. I would have to know what exactly is said between both partiesbto have a better idea.

Last edited by nurseangela on 14 Jan 2017, 6:09 am, edited 1 time in total.

I think the problem with "What do you want me to do about it" is that it has been used so frequently in a confrontational manner that it has kind of turned into an idiom where the original meaning of the words has been lost. So in some NT's minds, it actually translates to "That's not my problem." So maybe just adjusting the phrasing to "Is there anything you would like me to do about that?" or even "Is there anything I can do to help with that?" would make the person feel more at ease and that you actually want to do something to help.

"Take your time" is a slightly more tricky one, because it can vary in use as to whether it's being sarcastic or not. "I don't have anywhere else to be" is probably used in a sarcastic way more often than not. Another that would usually be sarcastic is "Don't rush on my account." I think that in this situation, unless the person appears to be having enough diificulty that an aspie notices, it's best not to say anything but wait patiently and let them get on with it. The fact is that by any of these comments you are drawing attention to the fact that you are waiting, which then puts more pressure on the other person. Maybe if they look at you, give a nice smile if you can (not an evil Q one.)

Most Aspies can't read non-verbal naturally, but some can learn it technically and logically. I have learned about facial expressions through studying Sign Language which depends upon expressions as much as handsigns. I still get it wrong sometimes, but it helps.

As for the neurodiverse scores (yes I have them too) they are from something called "the Aspie Quiz" which is here: http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php
I find it very helpful as a simple identifier as where someone might be on spectrum, as we are all different. Obviously it's not absolute, but it can give you a general idea and can be helpful for categorising people in your head.

"To all the bitter men" is the thread.

I took an online Asperger's test and that's my score.

What is the context of your comment? Are you speaking to someone with a physical disability or someone who is running late? What is appropriate to say is dependent on the situation.

"Take your time, I have all day."

"No really.... you're worth sacrificing my whole day for, no need to hurry."

I have never heard "What do you want me to do about it?" in any context other than anger, frustration, irritation, and the like. It is always a negative question and makes you wish you had never asked that person anything.

I also have never heard "Take your time; I have all day." Usually, it's "Hurry up. I don't have all day."

Every time I have ever heard the phase "take your time" it always been in a polite positive way (often by sales staff, or by waiters in resturants) to mean "no need to decide this second. We are ready when you are...".

Have never heard anyone add "I have all day" at the end of it. But if I were to hear someone say it that away then that would probably change it to sounding quite nasty and sarcastic.

Was in the general waiting room in my doctor's office. He had a fight with some patient who walked into his secretary's office while I was waiting and I could hear him running up and down the hallway which I summized he was behind schedule and stressed. He said hi to me that he would be with me shortly. Even though I waited about an hour I just wanted to be nice to inform him not to worry or that I don't mind waiting that I don't have anywhere else to be because I literally didn't have anywhere else to be since I am disabled.

So did you say anything to him, or just think about saying something to him?

The polite way of asking the same question would be "What would you like me to do about it?". It the "do" and "want" turns it from a simple question to a demand with implied sarcasm.

There are some really good books on facial expressions and other body language cues. Reading up on this topic really helped a lot.

Or "how could I help" / "is there anything I can do to help"?

^

Actually laughed out loud