Need insight from anyone on the spectrum (I'm a parent)

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I am an adult ADDer with a bunch of Aspie traits...so I am probably different from your son...I have had lifelong problems with social interracting...but it is not because I didn't want to..I really did..I just didn't fit in with anyone..I was prone to ridicule..or getting taken advantage of and whatnot....People would often not like me and regard me as a nuisance...but due to my lack of understanding ques and whatnot, I had no idea...

The friends I make are few and far between..they have to "rub me the right way" in order for me to feel comfortable enough to let them in...actually, my closest friends (the ones I see the most often) are other folks who are also socially akward..and we all sorta hang around eachother without invading our respective "bubbles" if that makes sense.....I do have alot of acquaintances though...I wouldn't mind having a female friend....and have had a few in the past...none currently though..I often find those to be weird and somewhat exhausting...unless they are artsy..noncompetative and understand me..and my need for personal space...often times if I want to be friends with someone, i will inadvertantly drive them away..this happened more when I was younger..and I am less interested now.


I didn't know I was on the spectrum....My parents never really made me do anything I didn't want to do..aside from go to school.....I was never shoved into stuff...I played with the neighborhood kids..I just didn't have much in common with them..some of the kids I got on with the best couldn't speak English..I had a habit of hanging out with non-english speaking immigrant kids till I was in mid-Jr. High


I help run a venue..so that makes me pretty social..sometimes I wish I was less social..or I wish i could feel less uncomfortable about it..



Maybe it could be done in a way that does not feel so "pushed"..I know that whenever I feel pressured into something I am more likely to feel repelled by it.


I bet he will find his own way in time...more acceptance and less pressure is a good thing.

No. I DO wish I could get to know people. I do like my own company, but I don't like being alone ALL THE TIME. I respect that there are Aspies who're quite happy to not get into the friend game at all, but I'm not one of them. I have a few good friends I've met online, but don't really have any in Real Life and never have. For me, the major friendship hurdles are:
1. Can't read people well, so i'm a very poor judge of who's friend material
2. Can never think of anything to say, so can't keep a conversation going
3. Social anxiety... I got bullied to within an inch of my life at school, and frankly don't believe all these horrible children suddenly turned into model citizens the day they turned 18.




I didn't know I was on the spectrum when I was younger... the Asperger diagnosis didn't even exist til I was mid high school. My parents did occasionally try to do things to help me socialise, but it wasn't particfularly well thought out - what POINT joining scouts? It's just another venue to sit on your own. I actually think it's my parents who could have done with some socialisation - I was an only child, and I don't think they really understood how different I was from an NT child, or how big the problems (at school etc) were.


No, I'm not happy and yes, I do feel there's something missing.


People on the spectrum are as diverse as people who aren't. There really isn't a blanket approach that'll work for everyone. I personally don't think it would be advantageous to reach adulthood and not have been pushed to learn the basic social skills you NEED to function in society. But a lot of we older Aspies picked these up as we went somehow, without any special help.

Yes true, but at the same time I think it's true that extreme isolation can get ugly and take some wierd turns.

Thanks for asking, and I think you're doing the right thing by looking into it and trying to get it right. You've already done more than most parents would do to try to help your son.

I want to meet people and have friends but I am a social ret*d. I'm fine as long as I have one trusted friend to guide me places.

I didn't find out until much later. I think you should force him to play sports. I did not play sports and I think you learn alot of teamwork and social skills in there.

I am miserable because I have no friends. I'm just starting to make a few now, through extreme efforts.

You don't need him to be the most popular kid in school, just help him get some reasonable social skills and a friendly, approachable demeanor.

It should be your primary concern in life. Not just to make friends but also the ability to judge who he wants to be friends with so he won't end up strung out on drugs or alcohol. Also try to make him play sports.

Thanks for asking.

Some people here seem VERY smart but I am sure, deep down, we would ALL love friends. It just has to be on our terms. I like the way Eller describes it about being about to talk openly.



HOW could you do that? Why is it EVERYONE seems to think they are the first that has thought of this? Public events might be ok IF your child is comfortable, and giving them opportunity is good, but you CAN'T do it for them!



GEE, HOW????? Do you realize that info is worth MILLIONS? SERIOUSLY! Computer dating, partnerships, etc... A LOT of things happen because "NORMAL" people have trouble finding/making/keeping friends!



ACTUALLY, most criminals DO have friends! Still others join a kind of semi forced family called a GANG! MANY people live in solitude with NO crime. I myself have NEVER had an unpaid debt, NEVER been justly sued. I was once sued for money I had that I was owed, and I paid it back without a judgment. That was money ***I*** deserved. The REAL criminal was married, and put the hundreds, that I helped to employ, OUT OF WORK!



GREAT, best of all worlds!



NOPE, FAR from impossible!



I have had friends I like to think were really good. I would LOVE to have some GOOD friends!



My school said I should be checked out because of my lack of interaction. My parents DID encourage things. I don't think ANYTHING came of it! DON'T FORCE IT!



I really don't know WHAT I could do different, outside of a wife.



HMMP.... STUPIDITY?



LET HIM KNOW about the diagnosis and concerns. Treat him nice, and give him help he wants. Maybe casually suggest things from time to time.



MAN I hate that expression.



Hey, it's fine! At least YOU asked!

I don't agree - I had zero interest in sports and was clumsy. Therefore was always the one picked last for a team. I don't think I learned anything about socialising, except maybe that I didn't belong. If the kid is good at sports, or enjoys them, that's a different matter altogether and in such cases I think it would be very helpful. But putting him in an activity he really doesn't want to do is unlikely to help.

Hey SteveK! I noticed you're from Chicago - I'm only 90 minutes away in Rockford -

I have had friends, but have also moved away from them without a second thought. I consider them great friends but don't really have a strong bond with them or a need for them to be around all the time.

Not sure about that-I was never diagnosed when younger-it's just now being looked into. My mother was fine with me only having 2-3 friends though.

I never have any clue what is going on and really don't care much, so I'm perfectly content with it since I don't have a need. There are times that are frustrating though.

No clue. I guess people just freak out about the idea of "loners" because of bad things that some people do and they are worried that everyone without friends will turn into one of those people? It's kind of become stereotype that these people didn't have friends and became angry with the world because of it-at least that's what they say on TV usually...

My son is going to be assessed as well. I do worry a bit about it, and would like to help him make friends-but he wants them. His problem is understanding how to play with them and he's oblivious as to why the neighbor kids don't want to play "sort the legos by color" for 3 hours The only reason I worry is because he seems to want it. If he was content without it, I wouldn't mind one bit.

I'm not sure if it's the AS or just past experiences, but I don't enjoy seeking out people to be friendly with because it feels like either I am going to be used somehow, or I think they will think I am trying to use them. Also as far as circumstance goes, I am all business at school or work, which leaves very little room for socialization. I am ok with this when I am at school or work, but I regret it when I go home.

I didn't know when I was still living with my parents, but they were constantly pushing for me to make friends. Maybe they have known all this time? I'm not planning to say anything about it until I get an official diagnosis next month.

Not to sound like an elitist, but I am happier not being around a good chunk of the population. Since I rely so much on language instead of nonverbals, people are often clumsy with the words they use, which leaves me feeling confused, offended, or hurt. Plus it seems that people are put back by the way I can remember intricate details about them. However, I think this helps weed out the bad from the good, which can be better in the end (maybe).

Because if you push hard enough, we'll just snap out of it (???).

Stop worrying? Yes. Stop encouraging? I'd say probably not. If you try to get him involved in different activities, you have a channel to communicate with him (or at the very least, to see how he reacts).

Sorry, I think that came out too important the way I said it. I can really just speak for myself. I think if I had played a team sport I might have learned more about teamwork, body language etc.

If he's got the clumsy, basketball might not be the thing. Maybe track and field or cross country (running)? But these are the kind of things you want to start early. It's worth a shot anyways. And when I said to "force him" what I should have said was of course he's not going to enjoy it at first because he has Aspergers, he's probably going to hate it. So give him a little bit extra encouragement than what you'd give an NT kid. Then if he still doesn't like it, hopefully he will do something else positive instead.

Even if a kid plays kickball in the park, getting fresh air and sun, being around other kids, I think that must be better for him than plopping down in front of a video game or something isolating.

Rachel, you have hit on exactly what your son needs from you - love and support. If he feels the need for friends, he'll find them. He probably won't make as many of them as the NT world thinks he should, but on the other hand, he won't easily give them up, either...

Don't try to force him to be sociable - he won't like it, you won't like it, and the people you inflict him with won't like it. Remember that even when he's with his friends, he'll probably need some times when he's alone, to decompress. (Keeping up with NTs can be hard sometimes.)

Basically, keep on keepin' on, and one day you'll find you've raised a productive citizen, one who actually values himself for his strengths instead of loathing himself for not being like everybody else.

I thought I had friends when I was a kid, but my parents said I just knew a lot of people. I have two friends now that I've known for like 19 years.

My mom tried to make me be in lots of social stuff with other kids. She always heard, "Boy, your daughter really concentrates." I remember her throwing a birthday party with about 20 girls, it was not fun... for me. When she'd find me by myself she said, "You need to go entertain your guests." They were playing and screaming and didn't look like they needed anything. I was 11, and that was the last time she pushed, or staged a social thing for me.

I hear people at work complain about friendships all the time. It's not easy for anyone and is hard for everyone, I think.