any NT's in relationships with Aspies?

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Malcolmscipo,
I said something about how I felt trying to deal with aspies, and you said it was rude. Now you turn around and say something rude about nt's. If that isn't the pot calling the kettle black! I edited my post because I didn't want to hurt anyones feelings. Maybe you should do the same.
Ghosthunter,
I'm not sure I understand what you are saying, but I think you are saying what I was thinking when I posted it, that our son has aspie qualities as well.

My wife is.

She is in a relationship with me.

But she doesn't post here.

Shame.

Magic wrote...

I saw the the "AS Partners" forum a couple months ago, it's really sad. You'd think these people were their schoolyard bullies more than their actual married spouses. Though one thing to remember is that AS did not actually become an official diagnosis until a little over a decade ago, so many of the couples on there married when NOBODY was getting diagnosed. Still, it is a real AS-bashing fest, and really not any place for any spouse who actually loves their AS (or potential AS) spouse and wants to help him/her deal with whatever challenges they notice them as having in life, be they actually having AS or not.

That said, Laplantain, I'd also look at whether or not your husband has an all-encompassing special interest which dominates his spare time or not. That's another huge characteristic of AS, and could be what distinguishes AS people from others who have a hard time understanding others' feelings and perspectives.

Another thing those women on "AS partners" don't realize is, while their relationships with their aspies aren't working, their are others that are working wuite well. Just take a look at the the other forum " AS and thier partners" That is a real good forum, much more supporitve, and includes aspies and NTs. check it out.

That's good to know, jman, maybe I'll look at that in a bit.

Another thing I was thinking about is that there is a definite *lack* of communication going on between these couples. I mean, even my friends at school knew that I have trouble socializing and I *need* alone time. It is not just me being selfish, when I say "I have to go into my room now," I am looking after myself so I don't get too stressed out or go into an overload, at which point I will not be happy, nor will I be enjoyable to be around. There are times I can deal with things, and times I can't. If that is one of the issues these women's husbands are dealing with, the women seem to be utterly clueless or unable to understand it.

It's a relief to know I'm not the only one who's terrified of what I'd have to do in a relationship. I think I could probably manage to be emotionally open and all that crap if I really tried hard, but I absolutely must have some time alone, no matter who I'd end up with. I imagine the unlucky girl would be pretty pissed about that.

I once had a chance to start a relationship with an NT girl who had been interested in me for several years, but I panicked and declined because I couldn't imagine maintaining something like that. I keep thinking I'm pathetic for breaking someone's heart, but I still believe we would have both ended up miserable together. That forum only proves it takes a special kind of neurotypical to coexist happily with an AS spouse and vice versa.

I am complaining about all forms of predjudice, as I hate all forms ranging from Islamophobia to anti-Semitism, racism to anti-Aspie. But I will change it. Anyway, how can I be equated with the pot? I am not a huge hypocrit. I was not saying that all who hate Aspies are idiots (because the person may dislike an Aspie for a reason unrelated to AS) but that those who deliberately persecute against them in any way are. Such as The Kings School Worcester.

Well, Malcolm, I'm not sure why you are equated with the pot, but thanks for your consideration.
Now I'm starting to have my doubts about my husband being aspie at all because a) he claims he can read people, even though he reads them wrong in my opinion, and b)he doesn't have an all encompassing interest in anything at all whatsoever. He really is not interested in anything at all, doesn't have a passion for anything, says he has learned everything he needs to know in life, and basically doesn't seem to care about much except for making $.Not that I'm complaining about that aspect, but he doesn't have that quality about him, and as far as I know, he never has. Maybe he's just a self-centered jerk.

I haven't had an relationship with a NT. I have problems with socializing. I like to have alone time and be in my room a lot.

What symptoms does your husband display that lead you to suspect Asperger's?

Maybe he is just learning to tell emotions like me?

Civet, Thank you for responding.

When I first met my husband, I thought he was a foreigner because he speaks in an unusual way, but he was born here and only speaks English. Sometimes he talks in a falsetto. He mixes up words, has a hard time with reading and reading comprehension, and when he's tired or half asleep he will blurt out wierd things like "Adee-do," or "did you change the timer on the washing machine," that don't make any sense in the context of our conversation. He said he was in speech in school and had a lot of arguments with his teachers. His parents are in their 80's and very out of it, so I don't know too much else about his childhood. We met playing tennis, and he has the oddest movements on the court. At first I thought his arms were too long for his body. He also sits with his legs extremely crossed and his elbows turned in.

Well, the main thing is that he does not understand that other people can have separate feelings from his own. If he's not hungry, nobody else could possibly be hungry and he will absolutely refuse to stop and get something to eat. He even did this when I was pregnant. He doesn't even believe that milk is too hot for our baby when it's steaming from the microwave and he cries and spits it out. He says, "it's not too hot for me, and I'm really sensitive to heat." No amount of explaining will ever work. And when the baby cries or tries to interact with him, he doesn't respond. He claims that he is confused and doesn't know what to do, so he does nothing. Then he gets offended when the baby pushes him away and tries to say it's my fault!
He is fine at work, as far as I know, but he has been in business with his brother, who makes all the decisions. Once he gets home, he will stare into space for a loooong time, or he will simply fall asleep. He sleeps very odd hours and is usually up at 3-5 a.m. every night, but he sleeps like 10 hrs a day.
His father is an alcholic and his mother was diagnosed a long time ago with schizophrenia but was never treated. He had a very sad childhood, so I thought he was just unusual because he didn't get enough care growing up. Then he was diagnosed with ADD and depression, and I stumbled onto some info about Aspergers. It just sounds a lot like him, except that he doesn't have any interests at all. The one thing that he worships is $ and anyone with it. The people he says are interesting are always wealthy, and everyone else he says is boring and has nothing worthwhile to say. I told him that everyone has something interesting to say, but he doesn't think so. And he basically thinks the world is a boring place and there is nothing in the world that he needs to learn. Well, he did love the aviator and proclaimed that Howard Hughes is his new idol. He has memorized a list of all the people who are successful and have never been to college, and it's quite a lot of people. Now that I think of it, he knows a lot about medical stuff and illnesses, and he is not in that field at all. I used to tell him he should've been a doctor, and he said he learned all this stuff just in case he had any of those diseases or became ill.
I'm sure there is more, but i don't want to bore you with more details. Well, I will be glad to post more if you want to, or answer any questions. I'm desperate because I feel like our son is suffering and I need to make a decision whether it is best for him if we stay together or not. One good thing is that I showed him some info on AS, and he denied a lot of things but agreed to get tested, so I may be closer to finding out than I originally thought.

Last edited by laplantain on 09 Jun 2005, 1:03 am, edited 1 time in total.

Well, Malcolm, you are working on it. And you know you have AS, so I think that is tremendous that you recognize it and are willing to do the work.

Malcom, the only person without prejudce is a dead person. We *all* have certain expectations (read: Prejudaces) from everyone we ever meet. Some more than others, but all are! be careful how you write these things.

Okay, I am sorry for the problem with my statement. Anyway, I thought I had changed it.

Self-centered jerk? Sounds like me!

Regarding the question whether your husband is an aspie, please take into account that probably no one has a full complement of AS traits, so absence of one or even several traits means nothing. Also if you take any single AS trait separately, you would discover that half of world population exhibits it to some extent, at least from time to time. The diagnosis is based on the combination of traits and the fact that they cause a significant impairment in important areas of functioning.

Also note that AS encompasses some traits that are physical (i.e. unrelated to personality). While their absence does not rule AS out, their presence would be an indicator towards "aspieness". Examples:

1. Stims - repetitive movements, done most often when happy, nervous, tired or trying to concentrate, e.g. rocking, extensive pacing, leg shaking, hand flapping, hopping. Note that many people pace or shake their feet occasionally, so it would need to be extensive to qualify as an autistic stim. On the other hand, flapping hands is not very popular among non-autistics.

2. Clumsiness - e.g. often drops things, hits walls or doorframes, stumbles when walking, doesn't like sports, was bad at P.E. in school.

3. Unusual gait, posture or movement - e.g. walks without arm swing, likes sitting Indian style (or in other way that seems unusual), lacks gesticulation, or gestures wildly (e.g. hitting people or objects). You mentioned that your husband moves in an unusual way while playing tennis, and that he sits in an unusual way as well.

4. Hightened sensitivity to external stimuli:
Light: wears sunglasses, likes window blinds/curtains drawn, dislikes going outdoors on sunny days.
Sound: bothered by noises, covers ears, jumps or screams at unexpected loud sounds, able to hear quiet conversations from distance.
Light and sound: dislikes going to movie theaters, complains of not feeling well after doing so.
Smell: bothered by smells that other people do not detect or find unobtrusive, can smell substances that most people consider odorless (e.g. sugar).
Touch: picky about clothing, prefers to walk barefoot indoors, does not like being touched, hugged, kissed etc.
Taste: picky about food, would not eat food that has wrong texture, some food cause nausea even when consumed in small quantity.
Temperature: you mentioned that already.
Balance: dislikes and visibly suffers from roller-coaster rides.

5. Unusual speech - e.g. speaks with an accent that cannot be explained by the place of birth/childhood, unusual voice modulation or pitch (you mentioned that), speech seems too formal, speaks too loud.

Of course, these are just examples. Again, I think it would be very hard to find a person that would exhibit all traits that I mentioned (I certainly don't).