Talking drains me

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Yeah, i pretty much can't stand to talk, but i do. I rarely enjoy small talk. The conversations i usually tolerate are on the intellectual side. I usually give one to two word answers to questions or none at all, if i don't like the topic. At least I'm not irritable anymore, since I've been on meds.

I feel more coherent writing than I do speaking, and really hated speech therapy as a child. It's not like I can't speak, but I have struggled with developing vocabulary and creating longer sentences. Most of my "go to" phrases are not more than 5ish words. Was worse as a child where most answers were "Yes" "No" or the longest "I went to the school."
I always wanted to learn how to sign.

Background on myself, I was nonverbal as a child and had not started speaking until age 9. I remember what people told me, but I never was able to respond, I was screaming in my head what I wanted, but was distressed nobody heard me and wild usually meltdown most days.
As childhood passed, I still struggle to speak. I feel drained talking to people so a lot of what I say is obsessive rant or terse responses. Does anybody else feel this way?

yes.

it feels like it takes a lot of energy to talk. physically talking. and thinking of something to say.

on the other hand, sometimes it feels like the effort ain't worth it. if i say something they like, they say "cool". if i say something they do not like they say "why". if i say something they do not hear they say "huh" or "what". but quite frankly almost everyone i have ever interacted with is totally not receptive to anyone else's opinion.

especially homophobic precious little "people".

then they half listen, interrupt me.

they call themselves "we", "people" and "most people".

"most people": one hand on the phone. one hand on the steering wheel.

they act like every thought or statement they have is the latest greatest scientific invention.

precious little "most people" make me wanna puke

right now i am 34.

the older i get, the stronger i crave alone time. the older i get, the more flaws i recognize in everyone i interact with, including myself.

the older i get the more meaningless "life" seems.

the older i get the more i feel like i would rather settle for less, than bother someone more.

the older i get, the more i feel like the statements and emotions going through my ugly fat stupid head are not the slightest bit significant.

the older i get the more i feel like not only am i trivial, absolutely. but, i am also negligible, functionally.

the older i get, the more i feel like almost everyone i have ever interacted with acts like he/she is the latest greatest thing since sliced bread. but they are just totally full of them.

but that is going off topic.

Last week, I was on the phone with my grandmother for 30 minutes, after I was so tired of talking.

If I am exchnging data I can talk, but when people want to have a coversation, I cant do it and I dont want to talk to people in my everdqy life: aat the store, where I live. I just try tp smile when someone talks to me.

As well as autism I have several other neurological and endocrine things happening, several of which cause energy insufficiency and one or two which cause trouble with my hands. One thing I'm doing a lot of right now is working on a sci-fi/fantasy story I started writing many years ago and would work on then put away for 5 years, work on for a month, put away for 8 years, work on for a couple months, put away for 2 years, that kind of thing.
People keep suggesting I get one of those speech to text programs and I keep telling them they aren't getting what the full situation is.

And besides the energy situation there is the thing where the effort to turn ideas in to speech causes the ideas to be lost along the way. Straight from idea to writing or typing ensures the idea survives the process.

I think that since I am quite verbal it is difficult for people to wrap their minds around that thing because it is so different from what they see - but then they only see me on good days.

And stranger still to them is that I worked retail and telecom on and off for 23 years and say the above. But again, how many of them saw me after I got home from work?

In a sad twist of fortunate happenings my physical health now sometimes more publicly interferes with my energy to talk and now that something is observable at random times in public it's like, "Why didn't you tell us that earlier before it got this bad? You should have said something."
I did ya dimwits, Twelve years ago, then Three Years Ago; then Eight Months Ago, then Five Weeks Ago; get your head out of your iPhone and Netflix and pay attention to reality.
But isn't that the way people are, if they can not SEE it or touch it, then it is a lie.

Yes talking drains me too. I can good conversations in my head. I just don't like speaking the words. My wife tells me alot that I need get the words from my head to my mouth. Of course I only speak to people when I have to. I rather not have conversations with anyone.