Feeling Like You Don't Belong

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I don't know if I'm on the spectrum or not, but this is exactly me. Everyone in my family gets to gether and has a hoot. I avoid talking about myself because it feels unnatural to just chat about who I am and I worry no one will really take the time to listen and this just causes anxiety. My very identity seems to be built on feelings of being out-of-place. Being an outcast. Luckily I don't need anyone else, really. And people are tiring anyways. Like a kid stuck out in the cold looking in on a birthday party. Look at how they blow their horns and smile and giggle and eat cake.

But I think that people need to connect other people to have a reason to live. People keep each other alive. Sometimes people die when other people die in their lives from the grief. My day to day existence is pushing back the gnawing jaws of suicidal thoughts. Music helps. Bands like the Swans and Xiu Xiu cause some kind of resonance with these feelings. I cry. I can take one more step and one more day. It's a messed up existence - but maybe this is how everyone lives? I don't know. (Have a listen if you care: search google for "xiu xiu fast car" and find the YouTube video --- this is a cover of Tracy Chapman's Fast Car. I'm not good with understanding lyrics, but all I know is that I know what it means when Jamie Stewart says "leave tonight or live and die this way". When you cannot relate to anyone, all you can think about is leaving this place --- maybe for another planet.).

PM if you want to chat. I'm open to the idea.

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A

I don't feel like I belong most of the time. I feel like I have very little in common with my close family and nothing in common with my extended family. I can't find anything to talk to them about, and a lot of the time, I think they only put up with me because they feel sorry for me. I usually just cling to whomever brought me to the gathering. I wish I fit in better with my family, it doesn't matter to me anymore if I fit in with the general public, but it hurts when I feel like an outcast in my own family.

Do they know (Have you told them) about those feelings and what you think? Not in any kind of accusing, complaining or fault-finding way, just the quiet facts about yourself to see whether they are aware. They might not have any idea how to process those things and/or how to respond, but your candor might lead to their giving all of that some thought in relation to how they perceive you and what they do.


Do you distinguish between an actual outcast and a circumstantial outsider? I think my mother thought I was an outsider by choice and felt hurt because of her mis-perception, but her actions nevertheless showed she had never cast me away.