Overwhelmed by simple everyday things.

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Funny you should mention the field of aerospace engineering. That's what my father used to be and he actually had a pretty good job, but his mental health started deteriorating and he really wasn't serious about getting help. He was put on mandatory disability through his company and escorted out of the building by security. I strongly suspect he's on the spectrum too, though never diagnosed. It can be hereditary right? He's in a much worse place than I am, and I do have a lot of fear that I'm going to end up like him someday, which is why I'm trying to get as much help as I can now. I think it was my mother's stroke that prompted me to take extra steps to find more help because even though she didn't die, she's no longer capable of functioning as a parent, and I did rely heavily on her for certain things. So it's like I have no parents even though they're both still living. Not that my father ever functioned very well as a parent to begin with...

I actually wanted to go into a similar field and become an astrophysicist when I was in elementary school. Then by the time I got to middle school and high school I realized that my math and physics skills weren't nearly good enough for that sort of career. It's probably for the best though. I doubt I ever would have gotten a job in that field. The work my father did was classified and while he took keeping his mouth shut about his work seriously, I'm not the sort of person that could ever keep it to myself.

Sorry to hear that you really haven't been able to find any resources despite looking hard. Though out of curiosity, the woman from the autism society that never got back to you, did you ever follow up and try calling her again? I ask only because I find that I have a lot of problems in general with people calling me back in a timely manner or at all. I've been told that I should really follow up with people more and keep calling them if they don't get back to me. Of course this is easier said than done. It can take a lot of mental/emotional energy for me to call someone once let alone repeatedly. Plus I worry that the more I pester them, the more likely they are to ignore me, but I don't know how likely that worry actually is. So because of that combined with overall absent-mindedness, it can take me a long time to actually follow up with someone if they don't get back to me.

Funny you should mention the field of aerospace engineering. That's what my father used to be and he actually had a pretty good job, but his mental health started deteriorating and he really wasn't serious about getting help. He was put on mandatory disability through his company and escorted out of the building by security. I strongly suspect he's on the spectrum too, though never diagnosed. It can be hereditary right? He's in a much worse place than I am, and I do have a lot of fear that I'm going to end up like him someday, which is why I'm trying to get as much help as I can now. I think it was my mother's stroke that prompted me to take extra steps to find more help because even though she didn't die, she's no longer capable of functioning as a parent, and I did rely heavily on her for certain things. So it's like I have no parents even though they're both still living. Not that my father ever functioned very well as a parent to begin with...

I actually wanted to go into a similar field and become an astrophysicist when I was in elementary school. Then by the time I got to middle school and high school I realized that my math and physics skills weren't nearly good enough for that sort of career. It's probably for the best though. I doubt I ever would have gotten a job in that field. The work my father did was classified and while he took keeping his mouth shut about his work seriously, I'm not the sort of person that could ever keep it to myself.

Sorry to hear that you really haven't been able to find any resources despite looking hard. Though out of curiosity, the woman from the autism society that never got back to you, did you ever follow up and try calling her again? I ask only because I find that I have a lot of problems in general with people calling me back in a timely manner or at all. I've been told that I should really follow up with people more and keep calling them if they don't get back to me. Of course this is easier said than done. It can take a lot of mental/emotional energy for me to call someone once let alone repeatedly. Plus I worry that the more I pester them, the more likely they are to ignore me, but I don't know how likely that worry actually is. So because of that combined with overall absent-mindedness, it can take me a long time to actually follow up with someone if they don't get back to me.

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yeah, my precious lil "parents" are socially awkward too. but they have never gotten diagnosed. in hong kong, at that time, it was not as prevalent as it is, here and now, to get diagnosed with autism. my precious lil "mom" got a stroke 2 years ago and then dropped dead. my precious lil "dad" is still alive. he has colon cancer, stage four. diagnosed 4 years ago. on the other hand, there ain't no absolute method of measuring social awkwardness. so it makes me wonder if they made me socially awkward.

nature versus nurture

yes, autism is allegedly hereditary.

yeah, i flunked out of Structural Engineering at UCSD, during 4th year. and that was over 10 years ago. and every day, i still profoundly ashamed of my academic skills.

aerospace engineering is much harder than structural, in that structures are on the ground and not moving. merchandise in aerospace engineering is in the air and moving.

besides, during Structural Engineering, i was still struggling with Gender Identity Disorder, clinical depression, autism. got diagnosed with all of them at age 21. right now i am 34.

and i wonder what other diagnoses i qualify for, that no psychologist has assigned to me yet. b/c the psychologists that diagnosed me with those labels, did not give equal consideration to every mental illness.

based on what i have read, plenty of electrical engineering and computer science majors have personalities that are similar to autism.

and quite frankly, i thought, and still think, that outside the STEM jobs, the job prospects for autistics are severely limited. especially since many autistics, including myself, are very bad at interaction necessary for jobs like retail and restaurants.

and i ain't got no job skills that are worth more than minimum wage. of the jobs i qualify for, almost all of them require a lot of customer service.

seriously makes me wanna puke.

my precious lil "parents" made me and my sister take the SAT in 7th grade. my sister is 4 years older than me. she is a medical doctor.

and i am just an (aspiring) taco bell fry flipper.

seriously i am profoundly ashamed of myself. and have yet to get over it. and i am so ashamed of myself, that i find a lot of things totally emotionally disturbing.

and it has gotten to the point, where i truly believe that nothing, or almost nothing, is worth the effort it takes to do it.

it takes so much energy to explain to someone that i ain't neurotypical or cisgender (trans). a lot of the time, they grunt "huh" and "what". then they do not understand. then they have the nerve to tell me i was "lying". then they are in denial (five stages of grief). then they do not care. and if they "care", it ain't in a positive way. then they do not believe me.

but what if they heard correctly, understood, cared positively, believed me. then what? the precious lil "people" that i interact with ain't got no political power. they can't write laws. all they can do is vote and go to political protests. whoooptie do.

they have little power to "help". but they could do a lot of things that hrrt. and that hrrt is immediate, permanent, and profound. seriously. without joke. i can't get over it.

san diego was so homophobic. precious lil "people" had the nerve to tell me i was "lying" when i asked them to call me "he" instead of "she".

and that was before 2012 Equal Employment Opportunity Commission added "gender identity" to the list of protected status.

there were so many precious lil homophobic "people". and they acted so confident and enthusiastic. and the laws were not out yet. and some of them were academically smart. and they were functional socially and vocationally. and some of them were handsome and i had crushes on them. and then they turned out homophobic.

and then they acted like i invented "lying", while nobody else in the world had ever lied. they acted like they had never lied before. they acted like they had never done anything wrong before. they acted like they were morally perfect and i was evil.

then when it turned out that i was right, not one of them (besides my immediate family) bothered to apologize.



they did not:
waste as much energy, admitting they were wrong, as the amount of energy it took to fix the problems they caused
waste as much energy, admitting they were wrong, as they did telling me i was "lying"
waste any energy altogether.


so the thing is, though, i just don't get what is the point of interacting with anyone on a social basis altogether. b/c i do not know what precious lil "people" reject about me today, that there will be laws mandating the passive aggressive tolerance of, 10 years later. and i do not know what those laws will be, b/c i ain't psychic or telepathic. if i were psychic and i knew, then what? nobody would believe me or care.

and the other thing, is that some people say that homophobic "people" are not willing to accept people that are different from them. got it. (fine). but quite frankly, some neurotypical "people" and extroverted "people" are also not willing to accept anyone that is different from them.

and the other thing. though. is that. the solar system contains a lot more cisgender and neurotypical "people" than trans and autistics. so they can ignore, marginalize and discriminate against us, while retaining a functional life.

on the other hand, even the terminology changed. euphemism.

when i started Gender Therapy, almost nobody that i disclosed to knew what pronoun to call me. and almost none of them were receptive when i told them.

when i disclosed that i was autistic, almost nobody cared. they acted like it was a lame excuse but they did not tell me i was wrong or lying. some of them were in denial though. it's so frustrating. i went through all that effort to get a formal diagnosis. and when i disclose, someone has the nerve to tell me "you're not autistic." those big egoed ret*ds (no ableism intended), just have to say three words and it's like a smack across the face.

but when i was in school, the school told me that it would only accept learning disorder diagnoses from psychologists that did not work at school or at Kaiser. the psychologist had to specialize in learning disorders. something like that.

and then the psychologist wrote the diagnostic report. and i took it to the school. and then the director had the nerve to tell me that the report did not specify what accommodations i needed.

seriously some precious lil "people" are lazy, incompetent, close minded. totally irresponsible.

none of those homophobes got a punishment of the slightest amount.

while i had to suffer for their wrongful actions and statements and attitudes.

and i never got a consolation prize or anything.

so, why should i interact with anyone?

b/c the thing is, if you interact with someone in one situation, that does not represent the way they respond in any other situation. and every situation is different. and sometimes the same precious lil "person" responds 2 different ways to what appears to be the same situation.

like some precious lil "people" appear receptive to almost everything in the planet Earth. world. solar system. milky way.

receptive to almost everything. except that people that are not just like them (1) exist. (2) have rights (3) have emotions.





the woman from the autism society did not give me her phone number.