HELP

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Thanks. Describing disassociation is very hard, and I can see you are trying your best here.

I get what you mean about living in the past- that happens to me as well. Whenever I feel all spaced out and weird, I try to think of past memories, but it just ends up making things worse. Have you spoken to a psychologist about this? Do you know what could be causing it? Sometimes finding the underlying cause can stop the weird feelings you are having.

I should also mention that my brain feels like it contains reference points that never should have existed and yet I still need them, or something like that.

As for what caused all of this, I think it's because I can't feel like my "true self" unless I am relying on a psychological trait called "absorption." Look it up, there's a good Wikipedia article on it. The synaptic pruning that occured around age 25, combined with a "chemical lobotomy" that I think was caused by some supplements I was taking, combined with the fact that around that time my brain learned how to deconstruct things in ways it never had before, and the way I misinterpreted things as I was trying to fix everything seem to be what caused all this

Is there any underlying disorder you have that may have caused this (mental or physical)? Or has it just been a dissociative disorder for you?

It may have been because of my Aspergers and possibly because of OCD as well.

OCD and ASD can both cause disassociation, so you are not alone here. Have you ever spoken to a psychologist about this? What is your life like? Do you exercise and eat healthy?

I'm asking this to get a better picture of what you are going through, as it's hard to do when I don't know you in person.

It feels like I've been split into at least 3 different entities that need to be able to peacefully coexist with eachother in a way that feels logically impossible - and because of how sneaky all of these entities are, the ONLY thing that would work against them would be if there were an immediate, foolproof way of achieving this from home without having to spend $100 on EEG equipment. Oh, and when my brain first started deconstructing things like that all those years ago, I initially accepted the changes caused by the deconstruction even though I didn't want to, and now I regret that I ever accepted those things because it just causes more complications. There's also the fact that my brain learned how to inhibit that "intense world" associated with autism, which feels good and is more acceptable than the things that were caused by the deconstructions, but still causes dissonance because some of the entities might need those intense things. Still, this immediate foolprjoof solution simply has to exist, the only things making it hard to find are how esoteric it is and things like how my brain feels "slippery." And I know I used the words "logically impossible" but that could just be the best way of describing what I'm really trying to say



I eat and exercise ok. I have talked to therapists about this, but not since I recently found a better way of describing things.

It's also being caused by the fact that at various points of my life my brain rewrote the standards of what it considers to be "archetypical" and often likes earlier archetypes better and right before the big crash I encountered the first " vacuum metastability event" regarding things like this even though at the time it was one of the few good ones, or something like that. I think I'm starting to ramble on again. Just know that whatever I'm looking for simply has to exist and the only things keeping me from finding it are how esoteric it is and how slippery the inside of my head feels

Sorry for letting myself get all tangled up again like that again.

What I need is this - an instant, foolproof way of making it so that all of my cognition is absolutely "neutral", but somehow making so that my old "intense world" is still fully active (just more inhibited), and I want to somehow hold onto the one rigid plan that I need to pull myself together once I've had time to heal

Have you told a professional any of this? I can't say for sure what you should do, but my best guess of how to stop this is to wait and change certain things in your lifestyle. You said you want your cognition to be neutral- do you currently have a job/study anything? Maybe you could try and have normal cognition during the day, and engage in your "intense world" later? I'm sorry, your case is very interesting and I have never seen anything like this before. I think there is more going on than simply DP/DR (perhaps another disassociative disorder)?

I essence, I believe the OP wants to tap into his "autistic" aspect, so he can take advantage of the unique qualities of that aspect, and of an enhance ability to see details, and to see subtleties.

It would be much easier to advise him if we knew him in person. Writing is a very limited medium in many ways.

I agree. It is very confusing to explain all this through writing.

He wants to be like Temple Grandin, in a way, I believe. But he also wants to be unique in himself, too.

Do you find that is so, Dane?

Maybe. I think that what it is that I want is to have no choice but to allow myself to heal, but at the same time still feel safe from things that I'm supposed to have hypersensitive reactions too, and to still be able to plan exactly what it is that I want to do with my life once I'm healed

Do you go to Saratoga Springs much?

Some people say that partaking of the mineral waters there helps settle peoples' minds.

Yeah, I go to Saratoga all the time. Maybe I will try it. But I would like to point out that some of the glitchy pathways that I'm trying to escape from are so sneaky that it often feels futile. And I still need to be able to sharply discern the difference between good and bad in order to function properly. And there are still some specific goals for the future that I want to be able to hang on to

Any medications? Mine seem to worsen it, especially if I miss a dose and go into withdraw. Also, depression can make my depersonalization range from SEVERE to very mild, sometimes even being non existent. It alternates for me. Do any of you get black and white thinking? I get stuck in really depressing cyclic thoughts.

I think one (of the many) things that could cause or worsen this is the fact that many of us are isolated or have trouble connecting to people. I have conversations but feel persistently lonely and I feel like I'm talking to people from an island on a PC but I'm right there with them. I tend to think "abnormal" or "existential" thoughts which make it really bad. Sometimes engaging in a lot of active stuff like travel or parties will help "push" it away, and also sharp or realistic anxiety will sometimes shock me into normalcy temporarily.