Small Talk

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That's all very well - but unless what they've told me relates to a) their pet bird, b) the Roman villa they found while putting in a flower bed, or c) problems with their groundbreaking research into string theory, I'm not likely to remember

thing is I really hate silence in a conversation too especially if it's someone I'm interested in or threatened by. I get incredibly self-conscious and have to say something even though it comes out sounding like a script, which it most likely is as usually I'll have spent at least two or three minutes trying to think of something to say.

Also I find it really hard to start a conversation with something about myself, in fact mostly impossible - I can only ever ask the other person something about them, which mostly I'm not interested in anyway and that often starts a whole 'conversation' that I'm not interested in, 'conversation' here being mostly them talking and me putting in various short prompts and acknowledgements here and there and then suddenly it's over.

I still have problems with small talk even though I am thirty-six. The initial stuff is pretty easy and I’ve gotten better at it over the years. It’s the extended small talk that I have difficulty contributing to and especially group-talk. How one can engage in small talk longer than a couple of minutes I do not understand, but people do strange things. Last summer I had the misfortune of being in a conversational circle where the participants spoke for two hours on how drunk they were the last time they visited Las Vegas. I spent the time completely silent, fantasizing about sex.

When small talk gets annoying and I don’t care about the person’s opinion of me, I’ll just go into silent mode and drift off into some mental imagery. That’s my way of sticking my fingers in my ears and saying “I can’t hear you!” And by being silent, you get to make them feel uncomfortable, reversing the situation!

I wish I could offer better advice, but I am still struggling myself. I try and get the small talk over as quick as possible and then divert the topic into something interesting. If they can’t converse on a mutual interest, there is little point in struggling to continue something that makes one uncomfortable. I’m wondering myself how I’m going to deal with small talk at my next job, whenever that is….

That's not true. They do. You obviously don't care what they have to talk about, but have you ever thought that they don't care what you have to say either? What is important to one is not important to all. If I just went up to someone to discuss all of the mythological references and the deeper meanings of Harry Potter, they would think I was insane.

I am not naturally good at small talk but I am improving. Small talk is important and necessary. NTs also think it is meaningless. But let's say you've just met someone. Do you discuss deep philosophical ideas and discuss the meaning of life? No. You make small talk. If a person doesn't engage in small talk, they never talk to new people or people they don't know well. They never make friends or build relationships with people. Without small talk, a person is alone.

Yes, normals truely consider those innane things especially important and interesting. At least at the moment. In a couple of <small period of time>'s they'll not give two s**ts about it. But at the time, it is seriously the center of their lives(a little exaggeration there, as you can see a bit of bitterness showing through).
A tiny part of me really believes they are shallow idiots, and a much larger part of me believes everyone should have a right to their values no matter how insignifigant they are. But all of me is glad I have aspergers and i'm not fascinated by small talk.

Ooo, that is a scary thought. Since aspergers have strong obsessions, imagine one with incredible fascination of the art of small talk. *shudder*

I *know* that they don't care about what I have to say, Bec - it's been made quite clear to me throughout my 37 years, hahaha! Doesn't really matter, anyway. I force myself to engage in small talk when it suits me, and when I have the energy to engage in it (which isn't very often). Sometimes I have no choice, like when I'm at work; I need my job, so I put on a good show of feigning interest when necessary.

If I'm really interested in getting to know someone, though, I'll push myself to act enthusiastic while chatting, even if I'm not interested in the subject matter. I'm blunt, true - but I try hard to not be rude, especially if it's not warranted. Nevertheless, during the "small talk", I always gently toss in deeper stuff to "feel out" the person I'm getting to know. If that effort backfires - the person gets annoyed, or bored, or repeatedly changes the subject back to reflect his/her interests while disregarding mine - then I know that this isn't a person I really wanna know, anyway... It works BOTH ways, after all.

I think that's a bit of a generalisation, and slightly unfair. My best friend is most definitely NT, and he's completely bored by small-talk. He's not interested in cars or sports. What he wants to discuss is politics, art, or philosophy. He's an extremely good communicator and debater and will, with a skill that I am in awe of, maneuver the conversation towards those topics.

I believe the truth of the matter to be that if you do not get to know people by initially attempting small-talk, they will not be likely to share with you their topics of interest, because unlike us, they are reactive to the 'I find this boring' body language they receive from others who do not share their interests. They use the small-talk introductory part of a conversation to guage whether you are finding them interesting to talk to, in order to maybe have a more meaningful conversation later.

If you do not attempt to get to know people and engage them in conversation, you will be unlikely to find out what deeper subjects interest them - and who knows, the bloke from the office who talks to his colleagues about cars may also have an interest in quantum mechanics or philosophy, and may not be the shallow person you percieve him to be, judging him solely on the nature of his small-talk chatter about cars which exists to cement his relationships with his colleagues it being the only subject in which they have a common interest.

The trick is to act sort of creepy, and say something thats a little un-PC. Then you'll find that all of a sudden they "forgot to switch the oven off" or "just remembered an important meeting".

It also helps if you invade their personal space and stand really really close to them. And breathe heavily. And twitch.

I feel the need to clarify further my previous post on this topic (in other words I've been mulling over it for a while and worked out what my point was!)

Small-talk is important to NTs because of what they get out of it, things that we miss. We hear the words only, and they seem trivial. NTs get a much broader communication in which much more than the words is communicated. They are learning things about each other that go beyond the words that come out of their mouths. They may be enjoying the facial and body-language reactions and interactions. They are tentatively exploring each others mood and emotions, finding and responding to mutual areas of interest, working out if the person they are chatting with about their new car is feeling sad, happy, or bothered about something. They may be confirming their friendship, or on the way to making a new friend.

This is why I feel it is incorrect to suggest that when NTs indulge in small talk that they are being shallow and trivial. They are just communicating in a different way than we do - 80% non-verbal, and that communication is dealing with the status of their relationship with each other, and their emotional responses to one another - it has less to do with their new car than you may think if all you 'hear' is the words that are being uttered.

In my opinion.

Yeah, its like if you've ever played The Sims- the way they talk in that.

what an intelligent and articulate post!

I couldn't agree more on this.

But that is stupid. And illogical. Why communicate something negative subtly when you are talking abouot something positive?

Wheteher it's negative or positive, the point is that we (AS'ers) don't enjoy this because we simply can not grasp all that is being communicated and can conceive merely a fraction of what is really being "said". We never get the full message, and it seems that small talk consists of a heavy dose of body language and other misc. subtle cues, anyone here that can read those is probably NT. Because of whatever terrible social drawback(s) AS (or HFA) has handed you, it seems that smalltalk's true meaning is beyond us. Sorry to sound depressing, missed out on some meaningful conversations due to background noise today.

Okay.

Many times, I have difficulty in feigning interest in what the other person is saying (because god knows it doesn't come naturally and most of the time I could really care less). I manage to do it for a little while, but if it is an extended conversation then after awhile I get tired and my face goes flat and I stop talking except for uh-huhs because it takes an incredible amount of energy.

Sometimes, in conversation I have found that if someone says something, relating a similar story might make them feel as though you understand them better. HOWEVER, I have found that I go too far with this and I am ALWAYS relating back to me which makes me sound just as egocentric as I really am!

I also use humor along with this, BOTH of which I use far too much. So I am funny and egocentric (and then sometimes completely silent). Damn. I need to balance these out more and get more ammunition and of different sorts, so to speak, so I don't rely so heavily on just a few things.

And again, this mostly refers to extended talk situations.

Oh, and I also agree that asking the other person questions about themselves is good, but this tactic can also be used too much and the questions might end up seeming oddly random and/or you might seem incredibly nosy if you just ask too many.

*sigh* All those ruddy FINE LINES. Why do I rarely see the NO CROSSING signs except through anything but occasional sheer luck???

Yeah, it was generalizing and it is unfair. I said my bitterness was showing through. I couldn't live and simultaneously "know" that NT's were as shallow as I described. Autistics are certainly not the only interesting and worthwhile people out there, there would have to be quite a few NT's who are pretty swift and enjoyable people.