C2V wrote:
It definitely seems like it to me, too, and I've narrowed it down to a few possible factors -
1. I am developmentally delayed, so I didn't even catch on to anything different between me and others until much older than I should have. I had no awareness of norms, no awareness of other people, etc. Like a dog. Not much self-referential consciousness. So, I wasn't really capable of understanding that autism was a thing and that that thing was making life more or less difficult for me until later. Mature adult self-reflective consciousness can really point this stuff out to you rather starkly
2. Life is much, much simpler as a child. If you can play in the dirt with proximity to other children then you skate. As we age, life becomes more demanding, more complex, etc. That can appear to make autism seem worse just due to the contrast in expectancy. Suddenly you're meant to take care of yourself, live independently, work, have relationships with functional adults, etc. None of this was required as a child, ergo it seems autism is worse in adulthood
3. I was just having a rant about how autistics are conditioned from infancy to hide anything autistic abut them, and praised for anything neurotypical they can fake. If you end up having to throw out that idea because you're too autistic to make it work, aka you're becoming more accepting of the fact you're not neurotypical and acting like one is just a thin lie, then that embracing of yourself can, I think, bring out more of your autistic nature that you'd been suppressing, sometimes for years, trying to be as "normal" as you can and had always been conditioned to think was superior. That can make it seem as though it's getting worse when it's been there all the time - you were just working too hard to pretend to be something you're not.
4. I believe successive burnouts, or breakdown as happened with me (and not the colloquial meaning of "breakdown," here. I don't mean you feel a bit down for a while or develop a bit of depression. I mean severe autistic breakdown that had me bedbound, nonverbal and almost catatonic for almost a year) can break something that never fixes, and that can exacerbate the autism.
Probably a lot more I can't think of off the proverbial top of my head.
Excellent comment. And sorry to hear about the burnout you had, I have a lot of bad meltdowns but never experienced that myself but it doesn't sound nice at all. This may sound strange but due to so many years of acting / faking, I actually forgot who I was. My adoptive parents were always loving and caring but they were never accepting or supportive of my aspergers since being diagnosed age 5. They treated me like crap and punished me whenever I displayed any autistic behavior so I had to learn to act exactly like my nt brother and sister. Wasn't until I moved out when I stopped acting. this made life easier and I became a more autistic but completely different person. I can also relate to number 1. I didn't realise how different I was until I started studying myself compared to others to realize that I act and react completely different to anyone else in certain situations
14 Sep 2017, 6:56 am
