Anybody else a self-harmer?

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Last edited by LadyBug on 26 Jul 2004, 4:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think defining the source/reason for the harm is important (as has been discussed earlier). I self harm. I started off scratching when I was distressed, and now cut - but not frequently. I see someone for help, and they are fairly committed to regular medication. Whenever I have another episode, they want to up the dosage. The thing is, I don't think the cutting is the same as stimming (for myself at least). I rock, and I mentally type my thoughts constantly, but the cutting only comes out when I'm really distressed. My parents always ridiculed emotional outbursts, and I find I cannot cry. When I'm hurting on the inside, I express it the wrong way, probably because of my limited release skills. When I get really angry I punch walls or myself, but I don't relate that to stimming. I think this is a different thing. I think it's something trying to escape from me. I always feel intensely relieved immediately afterwards, but horrendously guilty and self hating for weeks afterwards. I have the scarring, and cannot go out in public with my arms uncovered. My parents are the last people in the world who will find out about this. Their lack of understanding would be intollerable. I used to write when I was upset, and this worked really well, until a counsellor who I immensely disliked asked to read the stuff. I haven't been able to write since. I think if I got back to writing, I could probably stop harming myself. Seeking help is important!! Writing about it here, puts me out on a very uncomfortable limb, but it's important for others to know they are not alone, and to share a little.

The only time I come close to self harm is when I shut down from too much sensory stimuli and get frustrated that nothing feels real. How often does it happen and what causes the emotional state? If I start to shut down I go and have a sleep or watch a movie whith the headphones loud... or come on here and read other people's posts about the topic .

I do have a tendency to gnaw myself too but that's stimming rather than deliberate self harm... I need a teether.

Last edited by LadyBug on 26 Jul 2004, 4:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yeah, I self-harm. Sometimes cutting....burning...over eating. A lot. I've been trying to stop lately, but it is really hard. I've been watching a lot of Anime instead of hurting myself, and it seems to be working a little bit. Although, when I'm really stressed out, I find myself going back to old ways....

I don't cut. But I do bang my head. And since a lot of it is the result of "help", I don't want to seek any. I have found ways of reducing it on my own. I'm fully aware of how dangerous it is. But I think people do have a right to know that the official "help" that exists can be at least as dangerous as the self-injury itself (and in some people can lead to more self-injury).

I have been a self-harmer for a long time. It started during childhood for me, probably as young as age 7 or so. I would get frustrated and often run off to my room being angry, then start hitting myself, often causing bruising.

I used to have huge bruises on my legs, shoulders, arms, and my forehead. Later, I started scratching myself, arms and hands mostly, and sometimes even clawing at my face. I've spent alot of my life filled with anger and frustration over not being able to make things work for me, and still have alot of that frustration.

It seems like things just don't work for me and no matter what I do and how hard I try, people don't want to take me seriously. I'm just so sick of it I don't know what to do anymore. It seems like no matter what I do, it doesn't make a difference. I sometimes wonder if what my sister used to say about me, i.e. I was born wrong, everything I do, think, and say is wrong, and I'm not capable of knowing anything, might be true.

This had nothing to do with my intelligence, abilities, etc., just being me made it wrong. In other words, when I say 2+2 i= 4, it's wrong because I said it. Right isn't for me, I'm Mr. Wrong. Merit doesn't apply to me.

From what I've experienced in life, there might be some truth to that. I've always wanted to find a place where I could be right, but so far, haven't found it yet.

Another good one is http://www.RecoverYourLife.com

They even have some links to games that provide some levity like " http://www.parapluesch.de/ ", where you get to be a doctor to traumatized stuffed animals - including an autistic hippo and a water-phobic alligator

The worst I've done is bite my arms and hands, scratch my arms and bang my head. Lately when I have a meltdown I wand to chew on anything convienent whether it's my hand or a piece of gum. But I don't think I've done serious harm.

I'm of the opinion autistic people are not inherently capable of this kind of revenge said to be in the genes. At least not beyond the heat of a moment. Perhaps having been taught revenge in Cognitive Behavior Therapies?

The complete article can be found at: www.nytimes.com for free during a period of 7 days before there is a charge to read the archives. I will be happy to send a complete copy of the article to anyone who has difficulty locating it. Send me a private message with your E-mail address.

Love, Peace, & Auspie Rock,

LadyBug



Payback Time: Why Revenge Tastes So Sweet

By BENEDICT CAREY

Published: July 27, 2004

Balance of NYTimes article at: http://www.nytimes.com/2004/07/27/healt ... .html?8dpc

"You're talking about small events in everyday life that can look insignificant until they touch some old conflict, some longstanding betrayal or shame the person carries," said Dr. Irwin Rosen, a psychoanalyst in Topeka, Kan., who studies the role of revenge in pathology."

"Dismayed and ashamed at their own vulnerability, some people exact the revenge on themselves, Dr. Rosen said. What looks like self-defeating behavior or even masochism is fueled by a deep desire to hurt someone close. One of his former patients, a 32-year-old doctor, was drinking herself out of a career and had left a trail of ex-husbands, he said - partly, it came out in therapy, to get revenge on a brilliant father who had insisted on flawless devotion from his children."

Last edited by LadyBug on 27 Jul 2004, 11:54 am, edited 2 times in total.

That link doesnt seem to be working Ladybug.

I'm of the opinion it is not okay to cut oneself, bang your head, or whatever that might result in injury for an adrenalin high. This belief that it releases the spirit is a matter of interpretation.

"First Do No Harm" is the oath taken by the medical community.

LadyBug


The Paradoxical Theory of Change

Arnold Beisser, M.D.

Balance of theory can be read at: http://www.gestalt.org/arnie.htm

"Perls's own conflict with the existing order contains the seeds of his change theory. He did not explicitly delineate this change theory, but it underlies much of his work and is implied in the practice of Gestalt techniques. I will call it the paradoxical theory of change, for reasons that shall become obvious. Briefly stated, it is this: that change occurs when one becomes what he is, not when he tries to become what he is not. Change does not take place through a coercive attempt by the individual or by another person to change him, but it does take place if one takes the time and effort to be what he is -- to be fully invested in his current positions. By rejecting the role of change agent, we make meaningful and orderly change possible."

Torley-Wong - I am so intrigued with your description of violent movies - I've always liked really dark movies with violent themes and it sounds like the same sort of thing . . .

I did a lot of self injury when I was a teenager and still do it some now, but I have really cut down on it now (no pun intended) but will still do it when I get really stressed . . .

But then there is the new tattoo and piercing obcession . . . it is hard to tell if they are related or not . . .

When I am training with something, for a game or hacky-sack or "ninja" stuff, I will hit myself when I mess up for lack of judgment or coordination. Its not that bad, but hard enough to cause a slight sensation of pain (not to want to mess up) and enough to get my mom uppity. Its a habit i learned from a black-belt friend. and I find it to work pretty well..

I also used to scrap small bits of skin of my arm to draw blood. prolly just to get a response from the belligerent teachers.

I self-abuse sometimes. If somebody chastitises me for being the way that I am or they tell me to smatren up, I bang my head against the metal headboard of my bed. I was so ticked off at people's insensitive remarks that I hit my right hand with a leather belt not so long ago. My hand is still stinging, but I feel better than I have all day. It's almost like this rush of energy is going through my body.

I have always had a thing for punching walls. I have patched many holes in my life and I wrecked a furnished apartment which cost me signifigantly to repair. I have bought countless alarmclocks. They were always prone to get destroyed. I just remembered that I used to bang my head on my headboard as well. I've also cut and burnt myself before.
When compared to the ways that some people hurt others, I would always choose self injury. Neither is really helpful however.