How Many Friends Do You Have

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Around 9 or so at this stage I would say. I talk to allot of people however.

None right now. I used to have a very very close friend but he emigrated and I'm not good at keeping in touch. Besides we are very different people, almost opposites, which is ok in person but you run out of stuff to say online, not like I spoke much at all anyway.

Hopefully you're not anhedonic but just unable to enjoy company because of the risks and the pain of having to seem like people who aren't on your wavelength. It reminds me of why I don't like the "Aspie must fit in" approach to autism. Though to some extent there's some hope that if you cut the crowd some slack in that kind of way, you'll eventually grow on each other and then you really will be happy, and won't need to fake it.

None. I had few really good friends in my late teen years but started to feel like we were growing apart as I couldn't really partake in the usual teen activities of going to parties and nightclubs so it really just whittled down to two, then I attempted suicide and ended up disabled and only really ever exchanged emails with them until it just stopped happening as we had nothing to talk about.

I chose "6-10" based on my overall friends from school and college and work, but there's only a handful who I would actually class as close friends who I still keep in contact with, which I would say is about 4.

Actual friends that I "hang out" with in real-life? None currently. I have pleasant relationships with people at work, but between finding people my own age, finding people who have time for friendship, and finding people I get along well with, it's a nightmare to create a real social life. I had a few good friends when I was in school, but they've since moved overseas.

No doubt anhedonia plays a part for me since I always have depression. However, I do enjoy reading a bit online and would rather play through a video game or watch a movie at home than go "party" at someone else's place. It's stressful trying to entertain someone or come up with something interesting to say, and wanting to leave but not having a clear plan of how to excuse myself (without being offensive).

In-person - 0.

On here - 1 (several, though, with whom I'm friendLY - but, when my niece died recently and I didn't know what t'do with myself, ONE person on here was the only one who came-through, for me, and I consider THAT a friend).

Thank you!

Same here. I almost never see people outside of school (twice a year at most), but I am still on good terms with them so why aren't they a friend? What am I supposed to call them? School friends? I also have friends online, but I don't know if they count too?

I said 2-3 but I'm not really sure if thats right. I don't regularly hang out with them but we do meet up sometimes. What counts as a friend?

I've actually been a bit surprised by the results so far and have found them to be more heavily weighted towards the zero friends end of the scale than similar polls in the past. This is more closely attuned to what I would expect among Aspies so maybe the difference was that I asked that it only be answered by those who have autism of some form. I thank all of you for respecting that request so as to make this data “more pure”. Here are links to two other similar polls I found on WP, one from 2012 and the other from 2016. Let’s see where the percentages go as more people cast their votes. Please excuse my use of text quotes and links rather than the WP form… it makes this easier to write offline.

https://wrongplanet.net/forums/viewtopic.php?t=203927

https://wrongplanet.net/forums/viewtopic.php?t=309261


StampySquiddyFan wrote:
> friends and acquaintances… never know how to differentiate, since… we just talk to each other while we are there
> What is a "friend" anyway? … if (did you mean as long as?) you have somebody (people online, coworkers, etc.)

So true. For most people, friends come and go in your life but with us Aspies we can go for years with no friends at all… or even acquaintances… or even anybody to speak to other than the supermarket cashiers. School and work does force you together with other people creating at least the opportunity for acquaintances to develop but I am 67 years old, long out of school (and couldn’t handle the crowds if I were still there) and now retired, so I am canted towards the “nobody to talk to” end of the scale.

> She has OCD, just like me

My niece has OCD too. Her doctors once told her that her OCD was the worst case they had ever seen and she was truly disabled by it in all that she did. Eleven years ago she met a young guy (on Valentines Day) who was deeply withdrawn (some of us strongly believe he is an Aspie), brilliant and very calm as he gently stood by her in gradually showing her that her obsessions could not pose any harm to her. They married and by chance later moved to Atlanta where I live now. I rarely see her though because her job keeps her so busy that even her mom has difficulty reaching her. My niece still has OCD but it has become more of an advantage in her work in creating a sense of dedication and drive in all that she does. It impressed her bosses and she has quickly been promoted several times, now serving as the assistant manager of her entire store location as well as working at other regional stores. So stick with it and your OCD can lead you to a very bright future that few people can equal. Your reply reminds me very much of my niece who is bright and inquisitive just like you seem to be.

Here are two links to sites related to OCD that I found to be very interesting. The first link is no longer there but it drew a comparison between the characteristics of OCD and Aspergers. The point that I found to be so interesting was that is said that with OCD a person could not live with their obsessions while with Aspergers a person could not live without them.

> http://www.biobehavioralinstitute.com/v ... .php?id=38

This link is still there and was written by an Aspie who suggests that classic autism, OCD, Aspergers and ADD all originate from the same developmental source but differ only in the time at which they develop in infancy. I don’t know how much of this is fact and how much is speculation though.

> http://theemergencesite.com/Tech/TechIs ... rs-ADD.htm

> I am very sorry your mom is dying of cancer. That must be really tough to go through, and I hope you are okay.

Thank you so much for your kind words and thoughts. She has a very rare esophageal cancer that is known to randomly jump all over the body. It is so rare that the only documented cases come from a study in China where there were only 40 cases in all of the people in China. The median life expectancy is only 13 months but for right now it is responding well to radiation and my mom feels more comfortable than she was several weeks ago. It is indeed tough considering that I am so dependent on her socially as my only person to talk to on any regular basis but I am OK for right now. Once she dies, my situation will become much worse and I will become totally isolated, which is why I am trying now to lay the foundation for meeting people as described at the end of this reply. Other people don’t seem to care about anybody but themselves though.

> You can always talk to people here, and I will be your friend if you want

That thought and the need for this poll data is what brought me back to WP for a post or two. I have drifted away over the last few years due to too many things on my plate to be taken care of and I really do need friends in real life rather than online friends. I will still come back here from time to time because only those of us here can understand what it is like to live with AS. Personally I view Aspergers as more of a gift or blessing than as a disability or defect in much the same way as Tony Attwood sees it. I would be glad to have you as a friend and may swap a few messages with you from time to time in the future but right now I really do need to dedicate most of my time to finding help in real life, especially considering how slow and long-winded I get when trying to write about it.

> If you want to meet people in real life, then I would recommend maybe an autism meetup group or something like that.

I tried that before back in 2011 three months before I tried to talk to the church. See description below.

> I always get along better with people who have the same disability as me or have similar interests/personalities.

I have mixed feelings on that subject. The shared difference certainly does promote better understanding between two people but I think for real world friends, it might be a recipe for disaster for two Aspies to try to get along. We tend to be so rigid due to our respective routines and obsessions that our personalities might easily clash, to say nothing of the silence as each person relies on the other person to start conversations. So now I tend to feel that it might be better to look for understanding NTs if such a thing even exists.

> Do you have a job?

Retired. I worked for 18 years in the space program on an unusual island overseas but had to leave it behind years ago due to the harsh bullying I encountered.

> I hope this post helps in some way and isn't offensive!

It does indeed help and is not offensive at all. I just hope that you will not be offended once you read the further story of my underlying situation below. Thanks again for your reply.


My reasons for this post were indeed as I stated in the original post as an effort to collect fresh data on just how many of us have zero or few friends. In retrospect, perhaps I should have also added a poll category of zero friends and zero people to talk to. There is an entire lifetime of abuse that lies behind my underlying need for this information though and that is what this further describes. I am not only an Aspie but am also gay, totally alone, lack anybody to talk to other than my mom and have had to deal with this for most of an entire lifetime. In most cases other gays have excluded me far more harshly than straights have as seen by the fact that the only real friends I have ever had (about 5 friends over the course of a lifetime) have all been straight. The rejection I’ve encountered over the years is outlandishly absurd and shows that in spite of all their empty words about inclusiveness and unity, other gays have shown me only exclusion as they leave me by the side of the road to rot alone. So I sank further into total isolation. As another user pointed out, people tend to shun those who are different from themselves. Straights shun me because I’m gay and gays shun me because I’m autistic, most without ever bothering to ask why. After all they think they already know the answers when they don’t even understand the question.

An event in 2010 served as a wake-up call to me that I needed to try again to try to find ways to meet people. I was not diagnosed with Aspergers until two days after my 60th birthday and quickly began to understand the many ways it explained everything about me that people had always used to belittle me. A year later I went to a nearby autism organization which offered a very simple program to pair volunteers with autistics to give us a way to gently introduce us to other people naturally with the goal that we might eventually develop friendships. It was exactly what I had always needed but they rejected me for that program implying strongly that it was because I am gay. What I needed was the same sort of approach but offered by the gay community so that there would not be that additional discrimination involved. As such it would also be much more appropriate than that autism organization. I should add that I am only looking for simple friends to talk to… after my experiences I don’t trust anybody for anything else. I had always found other gays to be too secretive, demanding and aggressive towards me. In the past I tried several times to talk to the gay church, which advocates a kinder and gentler treatment of people in general as all churches theoretically represent. Only once was I shown common respect by such pastors though. Three months after I tried to talk to the autism organization I went to talk to the pastor of the gay church and made a real mess of it since we have so much difficulty with conversation. It was an inconvenient time for him and he suggested that I email him to talk again later. As I walked away, he made an unkind wisecrack about a trait of my autism that he noticed. Then he never did reply to the emails that I sent him later to arrange to talk again. He had snubbed me completely. So within three months I was rejected by the autism organization for being gay and then rejected by the gay church for being autistic. The only thing they didn’t say to me was, “you just can’t get there from here”.

There was no place left to turn. Several months later I thought of that church’s national organization. I have no wish to embarrass that pastor (indeed I want to avoid this at all costs) but only want to talk to somebody else who might actually listen instead of summarily dismissing me. Most Aspies express themselves much better in writing than in conversation as is also true with me. So I set out to write a description of my many experiences in being abused and enough info about Aspergers in simple words that any person could understand our reactions, behavior and manner of thinking in order to better understand me. This has turned into a six-year project as I get too wordy then have to cut out all the excess to make it more readable. Then my mom got diagnosed with cancer (a month ago tomorrow on what would have been her 70th wedding anniversary with my dad… how bizarre is that). I no longer had the luxury of time and had to begin a conversation with somebody ASAP. I started another short introductory email to that organization that took about a week to perfect. Then I sent that email several days ago and got an automated reply so this time I KNOW they received it. There has been no real reply yet but they may have a small staff to deal with everything and it may still take more time. If I still hear nothing I will resend it in a few weeks. It already looks like history is repeating itself from six years ago but time will tell. To be on the safe side, I’m already thinking ahead to other possible sources of help. Why does the gay community’s favorite way of dealing with people seem to be misleading or disregarding them completely? Or is this only an NT thing? I’ve experienced this for decades. It is so rude. If there are never any replies, then it will paint a very ugly picture of a church that does not believe in the Golden Rule. If that does indeed turn out to be the case, they will have proven themselves to be too devoid of any feeling or compassion to be the kinds of people I need to be talking to anyhow. It will be a pity because that one good pastor I spoke with 35 years ago was indeed very genuine and caring without a hint of the selfishness I am seeing now.

Once my mom dies, I will quickly sink into total isolation so I am trying to take these steps now to prevent this. I can just imagine ending up like a man described in a local news story yesterday. A man died in his house and rotted away completely but nobody noticed for two years. A tree fell on his house a year ago, inspectors came and went and weeds grew up in the yard but nobody noticed or bothered to check on him. Finally a homeless man scavenging through the house found the skeleton, told a neighbor on the street and the police were called. Otherwise he might have never been found because people were too indifferent to care. Here is a Google search link to that story.

https://www.google.com/search?q=Ellenwood+Skeleton

Friends? Not sure I every really had any. Most just tolerated me because of work, etc. Never had any in school either. At my age too much bother for relationships as I apparently not very good at them. Struck out twice on marriage and now go it alone. Been this way over 12 years. I have so many interests I haven't the time....

P.S. Forgot the users. The one-way types that are friends only when they need something like a computer fixed or the like. Then they act like I'm their long lost friend till they get what they want...

People tend to pretend to be the same as the group, so they will fit in.

Facebook didn't ruin what friends are, 'friends', is a fake NT concept.
At least if people were more honest or technical they would say friend ONLY for best friends.
The rest would be Aquantances, or Work Colleagues.
However there is also competition among people to be classes as a 'friend' so the lie is perpetuated to keep people around even though they're not 'genuine friends', most people only associate with other for a specific benefit ie knowledge, drinking/sports/film buddies, to appear to be normal social person, they have a cute brother, they have ties to an industry that I wish to work in...

I found a friend during a "Wider Opportunities for Work" course in 2009. I specifically asked her if she wanted to be my friend and if she wanted to hang out outside of the course. We have been pretty good friends ever since. There have been a few blank spots where we didn't talk or see each other for a while but we always get back in contact.

The second friend is one of my flatmate's friends but he has always been really nice to me and has invited us to his new house tomorrow night for dinner and a few games of Cards Against Humanity.

So those are my two friends. I go to college during the week but I don't have any friends there, mostly due to the fact that the other students in my class are about 20 years younger than me.

OP, that's sad about your mum but I'm glad she's comfortable at least.

Jeez, TTRSage, that sounds really tough. It's terrible enough with your mom but it's even more terrible with discrimination against your sexual orientation. I hope you figure it out. I know it's not the same as real life friends — but if you need any support, remember that you have this forum. I like to use a free site called 7 cups of tea for one on one one live support for problems and you can try it if you want.

I hope you remember that this isn't just a problem of getting people to talk to — it can also be seen as a problem with having a loved one with cancer, a problem with discrimination and a problem with anxiety or depression. For the cancer one, I don't really know about that so you have to search on it yourself. For anxiety or depression, this guide might be helpful.https://www.helpguide.org/articles/depr ... ession.htm

You can also benefit from meditation done as little as 10 minutes a day. Here's a nice guide. http://aboutmeditation.com/beginners-gu ... echniques/

I hope I didn't offend in any way. Sorry, if I did. I'm not exactly sure how to approach people like this but I still wanted to help out. Take care. Really.


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Diagnosed autism here by two therapists. I only have 3 people I'd call as friends. One is an adult mentor around, one is my guidance counselor and another is my neighbor I've known since childhood. I'd mention my family — but you said not to include my family here.

There are other people who approach me to strike conversations and see me as likable but I don't talk much. I can spend several hours and even days mostly by myself researching and analyzing what I'm interested in.

Though for some reason, I became well known without knowing it even though I spend most of my time alone. I was pretty surprised at the idea and I didn't even notice the signs — I thought many different people saying hi to you was done for everybody around here.

So I asked a close friend of mine — my neighbor — why I was likable. It went like this.

"It's because you're so sincere. It shows in your body language — your tone of voice and facial expression is genuinely warm."

"Huh? I do? What does sincere body language look like?"

"I don't know. Just . . . Not fake? It's just that even if you make social mistakes — you tend to seem well intentioned enough that you're easily forgiven."

"Oh? What does the tone of voice of well intentioned sound like? I can't tell whether people are sincere or not."

"It's like. . . it differs. It could be a loud confident but protective voice. A gentle soft spoken voice. It could be a more fast talking rough but playful voice."

"Uh... but those are all different."

"Haha. Sorry, I can't explain it. Sometimes people think when you take things literally too much, your usual gentle playfulness makes it look like you're doing it on purpose to mess around."

"Oh. . . I didn't notice. Well, I don't get it. Aren't there well intentioned people who suck at showing their intentions? So why not me? Don't social mistakes automatically create some kind of unlikability that increases the more you do it? But why not me? But it's a good thing, right?"

"It's not that simple. You need to look at the context. It's not just because of you — people are generally more accepting with differences around your school. The teachers are accommodating to you and teach acceptance. And the students there were taught to be the same from what you've told me. But even so, that's more of a generalization of what happens usually. Yes, it's a good thing."

"But there's this one guy people think of as weird and avoid him . . .So why not me?"

"What makes you think people avoid him?"

"Well, he has people he talks to though people tell me to avoid him. And I don't know why people think he's weird in a bad way. How come there's a weird in a good way and a weird in a bad way? And. . . "

The conversation lasted for a while. Still don't get it.

I'll figure it out someday. . . Probably has to do with how far back I've been asking her questions like this. I used to get bullied all the time and then I started asking questions like this. . .