Coping with Christmas

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The OP deserves some kind of trophy for sitting at a table for 7 hours. I know I'd be running out of the place screaming my head off after only one hour.

At least my parents understand. They don't force me to do anything like that, and their house has a nice, dark basement and guest room I can can go hide in.

As long as I'm pretty sure that I'm not needed in a conversation, I try to meditate on something or work out a mental puzzle. Arithmetic can work, or dreaming up a Rube Goldberg machine, or working on some real job you are involved in. I can meditate on my breathing, trying to let other awareness be still, or stare at any bright object until the room vanishes. The odd thing is that I usually do the breathing thing at meetings, and may then focus my will on never speaking after the scheduled ending. After the meeting, I'm more popular than if I don't meditate.

The hardest part about Christmas is resisting the urge to spend a lot more money on gifts for my friends and family than I really should. So far I've managed to reign in most of my Christmas gift budget.. buuuut, there's one friend I'm definitely spoiling BIG TIME this year between Christmas and his birthday a few days before - but it's a bit of a one off thing; he was Truly a wonderful friend to me last year when I needed it more than I knew at the time, and so my spoiling him this year is out of gratitude for him spoiling me with his kindness last year. Plus I just like it and it feels good to spoil the friends I love.

Yup. That's why I usually start shopping for the next Christmas at the end of the year when all Christmas stuff that didn't get sold is on sale.

I have not spent money on Christmas in many years. Last year, I put a few days into making some art metalwork for one friend, and might do that again, but the last time I got a Christmas gift, I burned it. The time before that, I was with 3 friends doing "traditional" with a considerable round of gifts, and most of what I got was a waste, as was, presumably, most of what I gave. Anything commercialized is pretty much ruined, to my mind.
The coping that gets me down is the extra loneliness, as everybody gets busy seeing people, and I can't work in a visit.

I had to tolerate it because I was dependant on my parents, in many different ways, not just financially. But I moved out as soon as I got my SSI and became able to keep myself alive without their money. I am still struggling with many things but my abilities gotten much better than when I were living with parents because I can actually try stuff, without asking for help with travel (back then I lived in a place you could only reach by car or a train every 2h, now I live 10 mins from a busy tram station - trams every 3 mins - I have a monthly ticket for and can go anywhere in Kraków), without being worried of them asking me questions (Where are you going? When will you be back?) and without being controlled or forced to do stuff. I learned a lot for the a few months alone. I can actually keep my place clean and cook for myself when noone controls me now - because I am not getting punished for doing it "wrong" and it's working just fine.

As for my mom - I wonder. She is saying she doesn't want to move out and leave the garden because she loves the garden around our house - and they would have to sell the house if they were to divorce. But I don't think it is the main reason - she simply isn't assertive enough. She agrees to do anything me or dad tell her to do and then plays passive-aggressive instead of telling us straight out she doesn't like it. Well, sometimes she refuses to do what I say, by using argument "Dad will get angry if I do that" but it just means she is more afraid of displeasing dad than displeasing me.

And dad isn't 100% bad person. He is dependable (if something has to be done he will do it), has many skills (he built our house from the scratch and he can fix anything in it) and he pays for family vacations and trips he organises from his own savings. And apparently he was "deeply sorry" when mom threatened him she is going to leave him - but he doesn't seem like that anymore because he probably learned by now those are empty threats.

After I'd been away from my dad for a year and a half, it didn't even occur to me to go "home" for Christmas. Instead, I spent it in a dorm, down to about 1/3 of the regular population, with all the other kids who couldn't or wouldn't go home. It was great.

I generally just get gifts for the kids in the family (now nephews and nieces kids)

Some years they don't go over so well. Last year was a home run.

For the two oldest boys who are now in high school, I got shaving mug and brush kits. They love them. I think that their father (my nephew) was a bit jealous since their shaving kits are better than his -- his shaving kit is one of my old shaving kits but I don't think that he knows that.

For the youngest boy who is about 6 or 7 I got some kind of lincoln log type kit.

The two girls got plush animals.

For what it's worth, I got one Christmas gift years ago that I still use regularly -- a round ratchet handle for sockets like this:



In general, though, I look at Christmas presents as being mainly for the kids.

Tis is the time for Christmas Parties. Loud music in the background, small talk that does not lead to anywhere plus, feeling especially awkward. Being gluten-free and dairy-free makes finding food that I can actually eat difficult. People may appreciate my presence, but I am usually quiet. I usually find a place where there is less noise and hoping I do not get noticed. I observe the conversations around me. So dull. If there was some sort of structure to the party and I might open up if there were an activity about specific things one may want to know that would make a party more doable, otherwise I am in retreat mode.

This is always such a trying time of the year and probably my worst time of the year actually. I'm not entirely sure why but Christmas has always been such a great source of anxiety and loneliness for me. It always feels like I'm trying to plow through a very large dark cloud that I can't see the end of. I suppose it's just the thought of all those people getting together with such happy memories that bothers me the most. All of that happiness that I'm always left out of.

What a dreadful thing to say isn't it?