Anyone else like literal humour?

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Or....as stated in "Hogan's Heroes": "You're going to the Russian Front!"---meaning certain death.

The only times I can think of are conversations like this one, where language meaning is explicitly the subject. The incorrect usage certainly seems to be far more common; but maybe it's only when it's used wrongly that I really notice it.

Actually, I never noticed that either.

But you do read texts in which the author has to avoid confusion by saying "literally", or "both literally and figuratively" when reality happens to mimic a figurative expression.

well there was an ad on TV which said "our peri peri chicken tastes like Portugal"

my immediate thought was, "so therefore it tastes like dirt".

___________
meeting new girl at pub
her: yeah i can speak 3 languages
me: really ? which ones?
her: french, german and italian.
me: well when you learn how to speak english we can continue our conversation. see ya later.
her: but i can speak english!! !
me: well then you are a liar saying you can speak 3 languages.
see ya later again.

____________

as a person with opposition defiant disorder, i can not install any software because when i am asked to press the button "i agree with the terms and conditions" i find it impossible to do just by nature.

________
i was sent a document in the post which had one page that had "this page has been intentionally left blank" printed on it.
the page however was not blank because that message was printed on it.
____________

my friend said he had proof of something. i told him i was skeptical. he said " it's all there! printed in black and white ! !"
i said "i think you will find it is only printed in black". he got the s**ts because he was talking about something important.

_________
i once bought a newspaper that was printed upside down. instead of throwing it away, i figured out that if i turned it upside down, i could read it as normal ! i felt proud of my mental prowess that day.
________
ill conceived compliments to a girl who one is wooing.

you have such beautiful hair. it feels like the freshest fairy floss....(that is sticky and quite annoying in a tactile sense)

your eyes look as beautiful as the eyes in an 18th century porcelain doll....(lifeless and quite spooky).

your skin feels like well woven felt (not the best sensation with respect to smoothness)

your teeth are as white as 32 shucked oysters (although i will have to slice your cheeks and peel them back to check if i was right with that claim).
will you sign this marriage document?

______________
i wonder where "rapunzel's scalp" is kept.

obviously, if she grew her hair that long, and her savior tried to climb up it, then her scalp would have been ripped off and the white knight would have fallen backwards as her scalp fell down upon him.
i suppose a scalp is better than nothing.

_____________
talking at a funeral where everyone is morose trying to lighten the atmosphere.
"oh well, on to lighter topics.
lighters do not seem to last as long as they used to".

___________

the jack hammer was a ground breaking invention
___________
if jelly fish could talk, i am sure i would enjoy a conversation with one because i can be certain that they would have absolutely nothing to say.
___________
i reckon feeling guilty about being white is a good thing.
it gives one an excuse for not bothering to have a shower.
____________
yeah so someone apparently attacked a nail gun today and has been charged over the matter.
the news said "man charged with nail gun attack"
i suppose that if the man did not own the nail gun he attacked, then the charge would be "malicious damage"

___________
so i heard that everyone wants to feel wanted.
really?
apparently it is a basic human need.

all you have to do is shoot 10 people dead in a shopping center and then somehow escape and not be caught, and you will become the most wanted person in australia.
_________


this sign means look out for a kangaroo running from a presumably enraged wombat, who is in turn being chased by an even more enraged camel.

i can go on forever.

this guy is my favourite comedian

Last edited by b9 on 27 Nov 2017, 11:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I am always using literal humor with my children.

I told me 17 year old daughter "Why is an elevator only named for half of what it does?". I also bug here about saying "kind of" when she really means "exactly is".

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side, underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco where he surprised her in the fruit & vegetable department. There he proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands, but as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor the manager of the fruit & vegetable department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper,the headline declared............




'ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT TESCO!'

i do not like the joke. it is just one of those nt story lines that drag out and eventuate in a punch line.

i guess it is a play on words, but the preamble is quite insufferable to read.

another quick idea is that "arty chokes" are responsible for "writers blocks".

you know...brevity is quite the soul of wit.

you : "Why is an elevator only named for half of what it does?"
her: because that is the only work it performs. the descent phase is handled merely by gravity......sorry dad.

i had a problem with "kind of" as well.
some kid said to me in a hamburger shop a sentence with included the phrase "kind of", and i said "so not exactly like?"

him: the hamburgers here are kind of like awesome.
me: so not exactly like awesome.
him: errrrr.
me: so what are the differences between these hamburgers and "awesome"?
him: dunno what you're talking about man.
me: cool.

no further conversation.

i got the burger and left.

That's a shame , I really liked that joke the first time I heard it but it was told to me by my grandfather who is a great storyteller.

I'm not sure but I think that type of joke is known as a shaggy dog story?

I enjoy literal humor, as well as cringey puns, edgy memes, etc. I can also turn almost anything into a joke. I get funny looks when I do, which just makes me laugh even harder.

Thank-you my good man your literal joke made me LOL!

And yes OP literal humor doesn't make my head hurt and causes me to howl in laughter. Perhaps this is an Autistic thing? We're such literal people aren't we?

Actually it's telling you to beware of recyclers.

My mom has done it with me and my husband:

Me: Guess what Mom?
Her: No I don't want to guess (sometimes she would just start saying random things and then tell me she is trying to guess)


Employee at work: Hold the elevator
Husband: How, it's attached and it will be too heavy


Dad: Keep your eyes out everyone
Mom: That will hurt if we did that

I also enjoy literal blonde jokes


Q:Why did the blonde go on top of the house?
A: Someone said the drinks were on the roof




The house is on fire so the blonde calls the fire department. She is panicking telling them a fire started and they tell her to calm down and then they ask her how do they get to her house. "Duh, the big red truck."


A blonde is walking along the side of the river, on the other side the brunette is trying to figure out how to get to to the other side when she spots the blonde. "How do you get to the other side of the river?" she shouted to the blonde. The blonde yells "What?" and the brunette yells again "How do you get to the other side of the river?" and the blonde shouts louder again "What? I can't hear you?" The brunette cups her hands around her mouth and shouts even louder HOW DO YOU GET TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE RIVER?" The blonde then responds "You are on the other side oft the river."



It used to be back in the days anyone who took things literal was an idiot so I always enjoyed the jokes on TV when dumb people would take things literal.

I have also enjoyed play on words which is why I enjoy those sort of jokes.

Is this literal or literary?

Good to hear others like literal humour, too. I used to terribly annoy my ex (haha) by making the worst puns possible, or turning a metaphorical statement literal. I don't know many who actually do enjoy these forms of wordplay, though. Most aren't amused or seem confused/irritated by it.