I am female and have never succeeded. Am I an aberration?

Post Reply New Topic

@ASPartOfMe;@rowan_nichol:

Thank you for your insightful replies. You're both entirely right, and I cannot disagree with any of it. I reitterate that I am in no way trying to undermine any challenges these other women do face, or efforts they exert in order to get by. I'm not saying it's easy for them. But at least they do succeed, and in more ways than one (successful careers; relationships; motherhood). They at least have the ability to mask, mimic, and assimilate, even if underneath they might feel like outsiders. Their efforts get them somewhere, even if they're left burnt out by the end of the day. That's still something.

Just to clarify, in case I'm giving off the wrong impression, I'm not trying to wage a battle for who has it worse, because these other women may very well have to contend with things I might not. I don't want a pity party, despite how it may appear. I am simply wondering why my story is worlds apart from theirs when I am apparently high functioning, accademically capable, and always eager to learn. I whinge and whine about my failures here, but I don't spend my outside life being a cloud of moroseness and reclusivity, so I don't understand why my every attempt at adult life is an unmitigated disaster.

You know what I believe?

I believe, perhaps, that "bad luck" might have something to do with your "lack of success." It just hasn't "happened" yet. Do remember that many people do not achieve success until they are of a relatively advanced age.

I believe your overall attitude is good, and conducive to future success. Do you have anything which you especially enjoy? Perhaps, in the beginning, you can supplement whatever "benefits" you receive with, say, selling your art, or designing jewellery...things like that. Or something which I'm not knowledgeable about.

I'm not one of those advocates of "positive thinking," nor have I taken the Dale Carnegie course. But I have a good feeling about you. Your head and heart are in the "right place." You haven't "given up."

Hello!
I've been feeling a lot like you are myself lately, I even published my own panicked, melodramatic woe-is-me rant just the other day. I've never had a full time job and the part time ones I've managed never lasted long. I'm trying to claw my way toward a career right now but ther's no saying whether or not that will work out.

Social interactions continue to frustrate me and if anything, I feel like I've gotten worse at it over the years, instead of learning to mask better. I'm lucky that I did manage to find myself on awesome SO, but he's the only social interaction I usually get.

I'm with you and dragonsanddemons (to some, angels to others?) in that I've always identified more closely with what people call the 'male' side of the spectrum. I'm not sure if people think 'autism' when they see me but I'm sure the know something is off. I've got the full body rocking and obsessive interests in things other people find boring, as well as an almost obsessive avoidance of eye contact and some strange hand motions. I'm not sure if these things directly led to my lack of success, but I'm sure none of them helped people want to keep me in a workplace.

What I mean to say is that I don't think your an aberration and that some of us probably feel the same way, I know I do.

What's important to remember is that you never stop having potential for success. You can still set goals for yourself and work toward them slowly. Only you can define what would make you feel like a success and then find a way to accomplish it. Getting discouraged is so easy, but you can find something to succeed in, even if it's a small thing. Good luck!

To Firebloosm, dragonsanddemons, Khiori and Andrewdarr, many thanks for your thoughtful responses. Indeed, people don't want to be known by or remembered for their failures, so it's very brave of you to share your stories with me. I'd say God Bless, but I'm agnostic

ETA: I'm not brave; more desperate, lol.

I really wish I could find a way to solve your situation.

Have you thought about showing your designs right here on WP? There are a few entrepreneurial types on this website (alas, I'm not one of them). Maybe one of these people can give you ideas about how to sell them so you can make money. And, perhaps, how to "present yourself" better.

You really haven't fall victim to the "woe is me" mindset. I believe you still have lots of spirit.

I just sense that you need some sort of "break."

Many famous people have floundered before they got their big "break." Thomas Alva Edison is one of them. There have been quite a few others.

I have studied my two-year course for four years. And three-year course before that I have also prolonged. I could not find here friends, I could not neither remember other students at university. My thoughts about my study were such that If i will fail and don't finish school, I will not be able live independently and my life can't be better in future and I had suicidal thoughts. I was not happy with my life, my mother often screamed at me. I had often problems too with my older brother. I was lonely without friends, later I found some friends online due to my hobby. I didn't have any privacy, all siblings in one room. We didn't have bathroom, hot water, flushing on toilet... And I believed without school my life can't be better in future. I didn't have other choice. Now I see may be my thoughts were wrong, my younger brother failed with study at university and he moved away from parents and live independently.

Before I found my first job, I reached age, when I should pay for my study. I had a debt and didn't have money. I was worried ask parents for money for repayment this debt. My mother had fumbled for smaller amounts like broken bottle. Again I had suicidal thoughts when I will not find job. I found job because they hired at that time twenty people, it was part-time job for students. I worked as tester, it was ideal job, because most time I didn't need speak with anyone. When I finally finished my study, this part-time job helped me get my current full-time job in same company.

I didn't disclose my AS. Until my 30 I didn't know it. I am very introvert. Often people consider I am shy or stupid when I am not able to speak with them. My boss thought I am arrogant, when I didn't able to speak with him. When he told me about some project, he was angry because I didn't look enthusiastically. My eye contact for him was in the beginning problem too, because I can't look at him and try tell him something at the same time. Later he realized I have problems with communication and if I can't speak with him, I can send him e-mail.

I met my husband because we had similar hobby, this hobby helped me too get both my jobs. I do similar activities now for money. I was lucky to meet someone who is in many ways like me and has much patience with me. I don't have friends.

I know one girl with AS. She is nice person looks very good, is social, has friends and she can't find a job. I don't know why because her problems are not visible. Maybe she look little shy, but she can talk with people. One therapist told me, I don't have problem, because most people from IT field are weird. Maybe my problems are not so serious like yours, I can't judge it.

Maybe I am now successful, but it was not easy. I often had to try something again and again or I had to find different way how i can do it, when I can't like others. Now I am happy that finally I have a little normal life. I hope your life will improves too.

It's a matter of attitude.

I can't see anything unusual in what the women are saying - expect for their slightly positive approach. I am also like this, sometimes. And other times I get negative and pity myself.
They have their own problems but they are happy they found out what the cause is so they choose not to pay attention to the negative aspect of life. For now. Till something breaks them. Been there, done that, got a t-shirt.
You are currently having a hard time therefore you are focusing about the negative parts of your life and picking all the positive parts of theirs - omitting their negative experiences, such as the bullying. It also doesn't seem like all of them have husbands or even friends. Some even clearly admit they don't.

Depression is a common comorbid and I see depressive confirmation bias in your approach. Get it checked please.

@kraftiekortie and everyone else: many thanks for the replies. I'll be getting back to you all later.

I currently wash dishes for $10/hour in a crappy chain restaurant.

Joined the military. That didn't work as I couldn't handle being an NCO.

Went to school to be an EMT only to find out I can't drive an ambulance worth sh_t.

Attempted to go to school to be a medical laboratory technician, but my ADHD kicked me in the @$$, so, not only did I not finish, I racked-up a $5,000 debt, and burned through even more of my GI Bill benefits.

Welcome to the world of failed females.