Eye Contact: Don't care, Don't know, Afraid, etc.

Post Reply New Topic

Unless I'm really anxious, I try to make eye contact with people because I know it's very important to them. I kind of figured out how long I should look into their eyes, how often look away; some topics may require longer looking-away periods like when someone's feeling guilty, some require longer eye contact and maybe a sympathetic gesture if someone's distressed or sad.

If I'm moving around or if I'm distracted (like in a shop or on the bus - so many people) I just simply forget to make eye contact and even when I speak to people I just can't remember to, even briefly, look into their eyes. It's especially hard when I'm in a queue in a supermarket, packing things into a bag, then getting a points card, credit card, entering PIN, there are folks behind me moving things out of their trolleys... it's just too much at once for me to comfortably make eye contact. My daughter recently pointed it out to me, that I speak to people sometimes without even looking at them.

I've made a massive improvement over decades. As a kid I had my eyes just glued to the ground 80% of time and I used to talk to kids (when I actually felt like it, which was rare) without looking at them most of the time. My hair covered my eyes partially too, like I was hiding behind it.

Still, if people talk to me and stare very intensely (and say "look me in the eye!") it can simply make me cry. Once I had to get off the bus because a random woman was staring and me and I started to cry and feel shaky. It took me hours to calm down.

Precious lil"people" ofteen tell me:

"Look at me when I'm talking to you", when I make too little eye contact

"What the f**k you looking at?". When i make too much eye contact

So

Thus

Hence

Because

Since I do not or cannot , like, do the slightest thing correctly (eye contact) then I tend to fear, hate, avoid almost every precious lil "person"


Almost all the time

I can make eye contact but I often find it uncomfortable and too intense. Eye contact isn't necessary for social communication therefore I'm no longer forcing myself to do that. I will make "appropriate" eye contact only if it feels comfortable and not otherwise.

one time, a volunteer counselor (170 hours of training) asked me if i wanted him to make eye contact with me.

went to 35 counselors and counting. that was the only time anyone asked if i wanted eye contact from the speaker.

numerous times, the speaker had the nerve to tell me to make more or less eye contact with the speaker.

then the speaker had the nerve to tell me that i made the wrong type of eye contact

seriously

precious lil "people"

I am afraid to look people in the eye. It feels rude or invasive, and I worry that they will dislike me if I do it. I am also shy, and it much easier for people to ignore me if I'm not staring at them. Having people talk to me is stressful and frightening, so I try to avoid eye contact.

The meaning of eye contact was a mystery to me till I learned to see its avoidance as a matter of cowardice. No wonder it makes people despise you so much.

Other. It triggers fight or flight

Thankfully, eye contact doesn't have this effect on me anymore.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tz0avWZoqjg

Now it's just more of a chore to maintain it since extended eye contact still makes it harder for me to focus on what the other person is actually saying.

At this point I would rather get told I used too little than too much eye contact